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I'm a Lesbian, but I'm married to a man... HELP?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Oliviaemmalee, Oct 14, 2014.

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  1. Oliviaemmalee

    Oliviaemmalee
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    Location:
    Salt Lake City, Utah
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey, so I'm 17 years old, and since I could remember I've always liked women. But when I was 14 years old I was kicked out of my home and I turned to God, and became a Christian, but one thing I didn't think about when doing so, was the pressure to being straight and all the hate towards gays...

    So I decided through pressure to get engaged to my best guy friend and get married... well now that we're married and have a 4 month old son, I'm really starting to realize how much I can't keep who I really am hidden and pushed down anymore.

    I really realized this when my husband cheated on me a couple months back with my sons godmother. I wasn't really mad about him cheating. More the fact that he expected me to suppress my true sexuality, and he can just go and do that and I have to forgive him and move on. I do forgive him. Honestly I don't blame him for cheating on me, we never have sex. You know why? I AM A LESBIAN! It's really difficult for me to be intimate with him in that way. At one point in time I was okay with it, but now I can't do it without crying in the bathroom after and feeling disgusted in a way.

    He knows I am attracted to women... but of course he encourages me to hide it and treat it like a drug addiction because "it's not natural."

    Our anniversary is in 2 days and I'm DREADING having sex with him..... I just can't do this anymore. I always have and always will be attracted to women.

    I have no idea what to do..... :icon_sad:

    -Olivia
     
    #1 Oliviaemmalee, Oct 14, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2014
  2. ChloeKiss

    ChloeKiss Guest

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    I am so sorry you are going through this Olivia! That is terrible that you have suppressed your true self for this long but it also shows great courage.. I couldn't be with a guy if I tried :lol: They are cool to be friends with but other then that.. no thanks. I don't understand your situation fully considering I am not in your shoes but i've read enough to make me believe you have lived with terrible shame and guilt towards your sexuality because of outsiders opinions.. particularly straight family members or friends? You grew up around religious people?

    I can't say I know everything about you considering the amount of info you gave only left me with assumptions.. but seriously in my opinion you need to leave that guy you call your husband and start doing and being WHO YOU TRULY ARE. The feeling of openly being a Lesbian and finally experiencing true love with a girl isn't so far away if you just let yourself be yourself. I know other peoples opinions and expectations can be daunting but honestly.. fuck them all. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

    Good Luck! x

    Welcome to the forum btw! :slight_smile:
     
    #2 ChloeKiss, Oct 14, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2014
  3. Oliviaemmalee

    Oliviaemmalee
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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you so much for the advice.
    Here's some more info about the situation:
    -I have a 4 month old son
    -Surprisingly I grew up in a very open minded family, and I have a gay uncle but the first time I came out to them they called it a phase. They've always been really hostile towards me in other ways. My mother is starting to believe me now though.
    -I got really involved in Christianity when I was 14.
    -I got married at 16 to the guy who was my best friend for 5 years
    -I've known I was a lesbian since the age of 4. I saw a picture of a naked woman in a "how babies are made" book, and I felt a really specific way.
    -I first came out when I was 9 or 10, but then kept going back and forth due to pressure up until this point
    -Having my son has really put things into a new perspective for me recently
    -I have been diagnose with severe depression, but i know if I were to be myself I would be just fine

    I just don't know how to leave my "husband" though....
    And also all of my friends are mutual, and VERY conservative....
     
    #3 Oliviaemmalee, Oct 14, 2014
  4. ChloeKiss

    ChloeKiss Guest

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    Oh right.. Well hopefully you get more answers to this question.. Yeah having a son would change things. Good Luck with everything anyway! (*hug*)
     
    #4 ChloeKiss, Oct 14, 2014
  5. meme66

    meme66
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    Are you self sufficiant in anyway? Job, income, public assistance? Do you have any skills to stand on? Typing, nursing home work,hospital work? How long before you can legally work? Im asking because you have to leave. Dont make any sudden moves until you have things in order. You have to protect your baby and make sure u have a safe place ti live and money to live on. Get a job, save money, find a place and move out. In that order. It may take time but just the idea of the situation ending will keep ur drive. I dont know vindictive ur husband may be as far as his child is but dont give him any ammo to take ur child. Live by the book. Keep yourself around good people and he wont have a leg to stand on. You cant stay where u r unhappy. It will kill you spirit. I know plentt of people who have had to do this same thing and it works. You can do this and you will be ok. You are young and have a lot of living to do. DO IT!
     
    #5 meme66, Oct 21, 2014
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