Help with my 4-year relationship. I feel like killing myself

Dear HeightenedState it's a scary situation for sure and I'm not sure what help I can offer. The question is how do you balance giving him space and keeping tuned into his needs? Was wondering do you have a personal counselor/therapist and if so have to spoke to them about him? I ask as you need close in person help too to weather this storm.

If I may ask, what is your age. I ask as there may be a different support area that you may want to post in as well. Take care and if it's ok I'll be praying for each of you. (*hug*)

 

Hello and you're welcome. You may also want to post in LGBT Later in Life as I'm sure the folks there probably been in this situation before and might be able to help better than I. To be honest forget about what others may think, the folks here are supportive and it all confidential. Please post there and see what happens.

Hopefully you might have a crisis line or crisis center where you can see a counselor on an emergency basis. A google search in your area should be helpful to find these resources. Here's the GLBT NATIONAL HOTLINE. 1-888-843-4564. Please call there right away!

 

Please give us an update when you can... of course if you want to.

 

Well.....i don't think he will do something so terrible as harming himself. When we lose someone we love we always need some time and space to grief say a last "goodbye". i suggest that you should call him and tell him that you will be there next to him no matter what, that you really care for him and that you will do anything he needs to get past that problem.
You guys have been together for so long that i think you will manage to make it through ,
Best of luck

 

I also think that he needs reassurance that you are there for him . He also needs so time to work threw her death and for some reason he thinks it is his fault I am not sure why but he does ,I feel that once he works threw this he you both will be back to normal well together again at least I do think he needs to think of maybe seeing a therapist or counselor and maybe you could join him if he will let you I wish you all the best of luck and know this I am here if you ever need to talk or need a shoulder to cry on .

 

Hello HeightenedState,

I'm sorry about your situation. It seems like your boyfriend was having some emotional problems while grieving and felt incredibly guilty. It's normal for people to think "if only I had done this.." or "I wish I had done that.." while grieving, and part of that comes a willingness to accept blame. However, there is no blame to be dealt. People die, it's an incredibly sad part of life, but sometimes it just happens.

Since he was in such a state of emotional chaos, he probably started to overanalyse things. I think it's pretty safe that his text came from a place of trying to protect you since he felt like he was a source of problems. I think what's best is to give him some space to think about things and to calm down, of course giving him reassurance that you're there for him if he needs you. Sending small messages periodically (not too often) along the lines of "I'm thinking of you! We'll work through this eventually, I promise." will give him comfort and support without suffocating him.

The best thing to do is keep your cool throughout all of this. Something to definitely avoid is geting emotional to him because it will only add to his problems, which might make him push you away further. When you make supportive statements, try to avoid things putting pressure on them, eg saying "do you want me to come over?" - instead, give open support such as, "I love you and I'm here for you, if you need me to come over just ask and I'll be there." since he can't directly say no and cause disappointment which leads to more guilt, but he can say yes by asking you over.

Of course, self harm is never the solution and I sincerely hope you avoid that. What he needs is someone who is emotionally strong to help bear his load should he need you to do that. Give him space and time, and most importantly forgive him for what he says and does during this time because he's had a shock.

I hope things have cleared up for you since you posted this, but grieving is a very personal process which can take any length of time. Good luck with it and I hope my post was useful to you in some way.

 

Be strong. Don't be the one to back away, go to the meeting even if you're scared or think he won't turn up, because if he does turn up and you don't he'd probably feel guilt that he's to blame for ruining your relationship. I really do think he needs you to be the strong one here, and if you do want to continue the relationship, it would be the best thing for you to do.

Also, it is totally normal (for lack of a better word - grieving is a VERY personal process, so "normal" doesn't really apply) to hit emotional turmoil a few weeks after. The first process of grieving involves denial, and the shock at first almost numbs you. When you start to notice the lack of their presence, it can be very upsetting/confusing/etc.

I don't think he meant it was over when he said it. He probably saw that as a way to have some space and prevent himself from causing further hurt to people he cares about. If you've never really gone through problems like this and had a really good relationship beforehand, I implore you to stay strong and forgive him for things he says and does at this time..

 

I'm really glad my posts have been helpful to you!

When relationships do go through times like this, I'll be honest: it can be really difficult to recover from it. Things can get awkward, quiet, and generally uncomfortable. What it takes during times like this is a healthy balance of resilience, communication and a willingness to work towards recovery. If you lack any of the three your relationship will ultimately suffer.

I think you're struggling to give him space because you're worried about him. That's a good thing, but I think you need to let it go. You said you'e asked him twice if you were the problem. That isn't the best thing to say because it might make him feel responsible for the relationship by forcing him to assess who in the relationship is problematic. Unless you're reassuring him or being honest, I think you should say nothing for now. Have faith and trust in him that he will make the right decisions.

You're almost setting yourself up for disappointment if you hope he'll reply to you since it's likely at this time he'll need his space. I think you should distract yourself from the relationship for a while, it's not healthy for you to be stuck thinking about it and worrying about him. See friends, watch happy movies, anything that will take your mind off it.

 

I mean, I don't see why the blame is put on him. Say nothing for now and try to see what he does. If you try to, then he feels like he has to reply back and etc. etc. Like the person above me stated, take some time to relax and forget about him. If he wants you in his life and for comfort, he'll let you know.

 

Honestly, after 4 years, he didn't care about you enough to call you and let you know, maybe give you a chance to talk. Seems pretty cold to me, regardless of depressed or not.

And it's a Grandma, she was an old lady, they die, that's life, ya you can be upset, but it's not like it was an untimely death, so I feel like he is maybe using this as an excuse. I loved my grandparents but when they died I at least took peace that they DIED OLD, it wasn't enough to send me off the deepend, even friends that live with their grandparents have had them die and never reacted like this.

but I am also super paranoid about other peoples intentions ha, so take what I said lightly.