I've been in a relationship now for about 3 months. I'm just out (only recently realised and started experimenting with men) , he's been out for years. I moved to his city last month with a new job, but haven't been able to see him much due to work, sorting out a flat etc, it has been stressful but he seemed understanding. Recently he asked me to spend more time with him so I rearranged a few plans so I could do. Two weeks ago we booked a B+B of sorts - it was actually a private landlord who was renting out his room on a nightly basis. He knew we were gay, but I just felt so uncomfortable there. It didn't feel impersonal like a hotel does. For this reason, I really wasn't very comfortable in having sex. When I said this my bf suddenly went all cold on me and we have barely spoken since, though he hasn't actually broken up with me. The thing is I'm still getting used to being gay so to speak and don't always feel like sex, but for him it is very big and he has already been missing out big time because of me and has said this to me. I feel like I'm really not giving him what he wants so maybe we should break up? He hasn't said he wants to yet, but sure he must be close to asking me. We get on so well and I'm pretty shy so to find someone like him feels pretty rare for me and am scared if I do break up he'll never want to speak to me again, whereas I think he could be a great friend and still enrich my life. Yet if we keep going I'm not going to 'get with it' fast enough for him and he's just going get more angry with me. I did message him today after nearly two weeks and he replied but in quite a formal way. Is it worth asking to meet and talk through our issues? Just thinking if he doesn't want to what to do then? Thanks for any help
I think it would be a good idea to talk things through with him and try to tell him exactly what you have told us. Leaving things in the air for two weeks has probably not helped. It's in his interests (as well as yours) to make sexual intimacy a pleasure, so if he is any sort of boyfriend he will listen to you and show understanding and support. If he isn't prepared to show patience and respect for your feelings you might want to re-evaluate how good a boyfriend he is likely to be over the long term.
Well I messaged him and before I got a chance to ask to meet to say how I felt he said he wanted to end it. I asked if we could be friends and was told "I'll support you if you need to talk but we can't be close". That was pretty insulting tbh. When I asked about the falling out over sex suddenly there were a host of other issues...I asked why he never said anything and he said it wasn't his responsibility and that "he wasn't my mum". Is the guy for serious? I may not know much but surely all relationships are tested when the going gets tough and letting your partner know how you feel is a staple of this?? I'm a bit upset but after he revealed his views I actually I'm better off without him. I kinda expected an apology but he doesn't think he did anything wrong. Really sad to end things on such a bad note. Do you think its worth asking him for coffee in Jan maybe? All I think now are how he hurt me yet when he wanted to we got on so well. I understand him breaking up but feel he was unnecessarily rude and unkind to me.
Always always always trust that people are exactly what they shown themselves to be. The way to get into big trouble in relationships is to have the "well he has a big heart but is just going through tough times" or "I know he loves me even though sometimes he treats me bad". The thing about relationships that is so hard but so simple is to just be you and don't over-analyze the other person in your own mind. If you want to know something about the other person ask him questions and observe him. Anyone who is truly interested in you will answer your questions and then respond with questions of their own for you. The antidote to most relationship issues is curiosity. Also, the more self-knowledge you have, the less relationships will confound you. In other words, all the questions you'd want to ask your partner, start by asking yourself and finding those answers.
