She's really messing with my head! (possibly long read)

First of all, I'm new. I've been on this webite years back but I was curious and just read threads and people's stories... Etc.

Umm... How do I proceed?
Well, I guess it started when one of my best friends (then close) introduced me to her friend. They were close. She was really nice and friendly. We have lots in common and we go around in this little trio, with our own inside jokes and everything. We attend a roman catholic girls school. (There are quite a lot of open bi and les people, surprisingly there are hardly any homophobes :lol

I'm an only child (no, I'm not spoiled and it's lonely) and I live with my mum. To support me, she has to go to work lots and I rarely see her unless I come from school and she's getting ready to go. Not really any physical contact. None of my friends show affection or anything. But this girl straight on HUGS me all the time! Links arms, touching... You get it. It came from nowhere and I guess it was around the time we got used to each other. But I was freaked out by the hugs because they would go on for too long and she wouldn't let go. I didn't see her hug people like that unless it was my other best friend.

But soon I got really uncomfortable, around the time I was seriously questioning my sexuality and I thought that we looked like lesbians everytime we hugged (ok maybe there were a few more homophobes than I thought) and I began to emotionally push her away and stuff. I think she hid it but maybe she was upset with me or puzzled. Sometimes she would look sad after hugging me and it made me feel SO GUILTY! Especially since I thought she was attracted to me.

But I slowly began hugging back and linking arms with her. I stopped feeling uncomfortable. Then (guess what?) I developed an intense crush on her.

Let me tell you the difference between a normal crush and an intense crush for me: I only had those for the boys in primary (elementary for americans). Intense crushes have me thinking I'm in love. It hurts all the damn time. I want to be with them physically and emotionally. I want them to confide in me like I do with them. I'm always thinking about them, being extra sweet and going the extra mile. I fantasize about our first kiss. I fall asleep imagining that they're next to me. I smile uncontrollably etc... I get depressed when they don't treat me like a close friend. I've only had intense crushes on girls apart from this one boy that I obsessed over but maybe that was out of loneliness.

Anyways. I started reciprocating all those hugs and touches. I loved it when she ran up to me. I enjoyed surprising her and tickling her and just being with her. Sometimes she would nuzzle my neck with her mouth and it turns me on SO MUCH. Then one day she was really upset. Didn't want any hugs. Didn't want to talk to me a lot. Her whole class was keeping quiet. She gets called out at the end of assembly and told to stay behind with another friend. I try to look at her and she avoids eye contact. After, I grill the other friend. Turns out someone started a rumour she was bi and she had a crush on this friend and basically her class was being weird to her (yet they have about 1 third of the class bi no exaggeration). I ask her about it. She hugs me and tells me everything. But she's 'not bi and she doesn't know who would say something like that'. My heart sank. But that was 2 years ago.

She was still really touchy with me. More touchy than she would be with any other. Once, she half kissed me. I think it was meant to be on the cheek but I think I turned or she turned but then we kissed with half our lips. Like the left side of my lips. Afterwards, we smiled shyly and I vowed that I would kiss her too (on the cheek though). That was a year ago but I'm sure she remembers.

We have this joke (she made it up) where we're both married and the other best friend is our daughter. Her other friend says we act like a couple and have hidden feelings (if only she knew). This was like a week ago. She says we act kind of suspicious together... But I don't know. We even have a love triangle with another friend! Have I mentioned she always says I love you? Like in a 'deep' way not 'luv ya'. Like we'll be staring at each other and she'll say I love you, hug me and put her head on my non existent chest. Mind, this is all on the bus.

Things that make me think she's not straight at least:

Physical contact all the time! Touches my legs, arms, hugs, nuzzles into neck. Holds hands occasionally
Says I love you
We're 'married'
When my other best friend talks about future boyfriends she says 'I don't need them I have you'
The Half Kiss
Gets insecure when she thought I didn't like her (I said it as a joke)
Got kind of upset when I joked about a new 'hugging buddy)
She doesn't treat people the way she treats me (isn't so touchy, lovable...)

Reasons she is straight
Says she has a touchy family
She said she wasn't bi and she was about to cry so she must have been super upset
Hugs other people

I really need to know! I don't know if my 'gaydar' is right or even working, but I had a feeling she was bi or les before I even had a crush on her! Before I do something I regret...

Thanks for reading all of this - if you did, I'm eternally grateful and would be way more appreciative if you replied :icon_wink:icon_bigg(*hug*):help::tears:

---------- Post added 19th Oct 2014 at 11:01 PM ----------

Forgot to mention: I had a series of girl crushes before, each more intense than the last. But she's the one that made me realise I was bi.

 

Things that make me think she's not straight at least:

Physical contact all the time! Touches my legs, arms, hugs, nuzzles into neck. Holds hands occasionally
Says I love you
We're 'married'
When my other best friend talks about future boyfriends she says 'I don't need them I have you'
The Half Kiss
Gets insecure when she thought I didn't like her (I said it as a joke)
Got kind of upset when I joked about a new 'hugging buddy)
She doesn't treat people the way she treats me (isn't so touchy, lovable...)

Reasons she is straight
Says she has a touchy family
She said she wasn't bi and she was about to cry so she must have been super upset
Hugs other people

 

Considering how about a third of her class is bi and she still talks to them, I think its safe to say she's alright with it. How do I find out in a subtle way?

 

So what if she's interested in me? We can't have sleepovers or go to each others houses... I know this is far away but in June we have an overnight stay at a theme park. Maybe I could kiss her this time!! Ok, I'm wayyy too excited

 

Yeah of course this thread is free for anybody to use!

 

I don't know for sure because:
'Hormones' -_-
Everytime I think I'm one orientation, a crush throws me off and I'm like 'was I ever this orientation in the first place?' If that makes sense. I'm at the point that I don't care that much anymore, I like who I like and sometimes it happens to be girls. But for some strange reason I only get crushes on friends... Is that strange? Does that count as a real crush?

 

Update

I know nobody will read this and care, but everyone's just drifting away. My depression's coming back. I honestly don't care if it comes - I think I'm welcoming it. My 'close friends'' are reduced to aquaintances. My 'best friends' keep disappearing when I need them most. It hurts when my crush doesn't talk to me as much. We have nearly all our classes together except for two. Yet I've never felt so further away. I want you to understand that I'm not 'ok'. I lie to you to make you happy. I don't want you to worry about me... Yet at the same time I need your reassurance. You don't know about my depression. I don't know when I'll tell you. It doesn't seem appropriate to bring up in random conversation. I prefer listening to you babble on. Our other best frind, she knows - but she doesn't seem to care. I can't tell if she's just being her normal 'straight face' self but I don't know what she's thinking. Does she pity me? Does she give a damn? Has she already forgotten? I just need one of your hugs again. Even some small 'I love you'. I need to know that somebody cares. Can you not see my descent into darkness? Am I hiding it too well? Do I need to start playing games again? Start being angry? Become the person I was and never want to be again? Because I feel like I do. Nobody understands and if I told you, I don't think you would either. What do I need to do to make you see that this is a mask? I refuse to believe that you won't see it. Look beyond the superficial. Can't you see? I need you, even though the world doesn't need me.

 

Things have gotten slightly better, but not much. We're doing coursework and things at the moment so she's understandably stressed and won't initiate hugs... On the bright side we're getting each other Christmas presents - I was thinking about a necklace. We're already getting each other chocolate so it's a little surprise.

 

I've already given her (and the other best friend in the trio) a bracelet that came in a set. One's silver, the other coal and mine is gold. It has an infinity sign and a tiny bff heart. I would get her another present but then I'd have to give my other friend another present so they don't think I'm picking favourites.

I feel like utter crap today - we had an english exam and I messed up in the second half, so there go my chances of producing at least a B. This is for our GCSEs if you're in Britain. I keep coughing and my head is pounding right now. Just woke up from a nap so I guess I'm slightly better. At least my joints don't hurt anymore. I'm not ready to be an old lady! My depression is at that stage where it comes and goes but I just know it'll hit me full force during the holidays. I've been all distant and of course they asked me what's wrong and I just told them nothing. I've been disappearing on them and just wondering the school at breaks, lost in my thoughts. They've pretty much accepted that I'm going to act like this. My crush doesn't know about the depression though, because I know she'll become all sad for me then I'M sad for me. She's also extremely worried about my eating habits just because I don't eat lunch with them. She was convinced that I was anorexic or something but I'm not afraid of food, even though I WAS anorexic when I was younger. Her concern comes a little too late

I just don't want to burden her with my problems, especially when she feels like SHE'S a burden to everyone around her. Sometimes I just want to cuddle with her - but obviously my other best friend is there. I remember when we went on a trip and everyone was watching a movie. We just cuddled under her blanket while her head rested on my shoulders. We were so close that if we both leaned in a tiny bit, we would have kissed. I satiate my carnal desires with hugging XD. I'm definitely positive that if we had... Say a whole evening to ourselves, I'd work up the courage to kiss her.

---------- Post added 17th Dec 2014 at 09:51 PM ----------

Just reread my post and I realized that I forgot to say thanks for the compliment.
Thanks so much, I have some kind of love-hate relationship with my writing.

Also change blanket to coat. We were under her coat. Obviously our heads were showing and it would be extremely suspicious if we ducked underneath