sabotaging potential same-sex relationships

I'm in my mid-late 20s and over the past year or so begun to acknowledge and explore the fact that I might not be totally straight. I had a handful of crushes on women before that point (including a professor teaching a course on Oscar Wilde...) but I'd never acted on any of them. Since becoming a bit more open I've had one dance-floor makeout and been on a few dates with two different women. Neither relationship made it past the fully clothed makeout stage (in one case she ended things, in the other case I did, partially because she wanted to move faster than I did). One of my friends/colleagues has admitted that she's attracted to me, and I'm attracted to her, but whenever our relationship gets too close to being physical (like when she invited herself over for a platonic sleepover) I get cold feet and totally lose interest. Meanwhile, I briefly dated a guy and slept with him on the second date, and am totally smitten with another (confirmed to be queer) female colleague who is off limits for at least another month until I'm no longer in a minor position of authority over her (though we're on the same level, I'm currently a teaching assistant in a course she's taking).

...This to say, I'm worried that I'm subconsciously sabotaging same-sex intimacy and falling for unattainable people because either:

a) I'm not actually queer, I'm just one of those people who hangs out with lots of queer friends and who is totally not at all homophobic/squicked out by gay sex.

b) I'm actually a lot more homophobic than I realize and I'm avoiding actually doing something that would allow me to feel more certain about my orientation (and therefore come out about it)

Then again, maybe I just haven't found the right girl? I tend to be pretty picky about the men I date as well (I've been single for almost 3 years, and completely celibate for about 2 of those years)...

Has anyone experienced this? How did you break out of this holding pattern? Any advice?

 

Thanks for your response! Because I've been dating/sleeping with men for years, I've forgotten what it feels like to just not be ready for sex. But I suppose I should remember the thing about coming out kind of sending you back to a new awkward adolescence as far as relationships are concerned.

Yes. I'm super turned on by oral sex, so that's usually what I fantasize about. Also, things involving boobs. Boobs are great. :icon_bigg But my fantasies usually involve some generic/unknown woman, or someone I don't have any chance with. When an actual woman is there wanting to have sex with me, nerves have this way of totally overwhelming attraction.

I think this is a part of it, but I have pretty much no reason to worry about coming out. I live in a liberal place with lots of legal protections, and though my parents live in a less liberal place, they're virtually guaranteed to be supportive (my mother is already agitating within her church to make it a more welcoming place for gay people). Being bisexual would change pretty much nothing about my daily life.