my reaction story

Its not your fault you had to grow up in a less than accepting environment. You've been conditioned to think that gays are 'strange' and 'unnatural things' and that they do WRONG. Love isn't wrong. Love will take whatever shape or form it can. You don't have to be obliged to step in but if there's a fight call the police. It might end up being one of those things where a crowd beats up a couple because they're suspected to be gay.

 

Hello, Str8guy,

I do feel for you! I grew up in a religious family too, and unfortunately that puts you in a box. You feel like you have to do the 'right' thing, or you'll get punished. I'm here to tell you that when you show kindness and acceptance to ANY of your fellow human beings, you're doing the right thing! It doesn't mean you agree with everything in the world, because everyone sees things differently. If you feel compassion for your friend when he's being looked down upon, and you feel compelled to act, then you should, whether it's calling for help, or saying something yourself. Love is love, no matter what form it takes. When you're standing up for someone else, you're showing love.

 

Well, I'm having a hard time seeing your reaction as totally wrong, seeing as how right now, you're on a forum populated with gay people, asking advice about how to be accepting to your gay friend.

Maybe the word that best seems to encompass your reaction is "insecure". I hope you don't mind me taking a quick look through your posts before replying to this one, but through most of those, you seem to be worrying how this impacts you, how it changes your life, and what other people might think of you for hanging out with or sticking up for a gay friend.

Is that abnormal? Not really, no. I have at least one friend who's much the same. Even just mentioning my boyfriend by name (even in ways that don't even remotely suggest we're boyfriends) seems to make him scramble for a way out of the conversation.

I'll even be honest: on some level, I do feel a bit bad that me being gay is the cause for dicomfort in a good friend.
But... on the other hand, I'm also not going to be too distraught about it. He's uncomfortable about it on the occasions it comes up when we hang out. At best it impacts him periphearally. I have to deal with it full-time, and when I get bad reactions, they're focused completely on me. I survived, and I'm sure so will he.

And, in the end, that's what friends are for. You can share your burdens, even disagree totally on many points, and still be friends.
One of my friends cycles through girlfriends so fast I barely remember the name of the previous one before he's there with the next.
Does that make me uncomfortable? Absolutely. It gives me the shivers to have to sit there every other week and be nice to some girl and not mentioning she's the 15th this year. And when he comes for support after yet another breakup, I'm having a hard time comforting him knowing we'll be in the same spot not two weeks later.

But in the end, we get along fine. He probably sometimes fears the gayness will rub off on him, and I sometimes feel the promiscuity might rub off on me. But deep down, we know each other for who we are. there is no "lifestyle choice". I'm not "his gay friend Filip". Instead I'm "His friend Filip, who happens to be gay". And he's not "My promiscuous friend X". He's just "My friend X, who happens to have commitment issues".

So: remind yourself of that. He isn't any different from what he was before you knew he was gay. And it in no way says anything about you.

Finally: when handled with tact, I do think that being open about discomfort can help. My own brother, who is very supportive, is quite open about the fact that he'll probably need to avert his eyes if I ever end up kissing my boyfriend in his presence (which hasn't happened yet, but I make no promises for it never happening ). And I can respect that. As long as he's open about it and we can discuss it like mature adults. So depending on how close you and your friend are, maybe it could help to just clear the air. In the end, it might even ease your discmfort, and give him an opportunity to know what you're thinking.

 

As others have said, the environment you were raised in is not your fault. However, how you choose to treat other people, especially your friends, is your responsibility.

Nothing that you or anyone else could do could 'scare him straight' since he was never straight to begin with. It's not a choice. If you think it is, please tell us when and under what circumstances you chose to be straight.

Think about it this way:

What is your least favorite food in the universe? The food that you simply can't stand the taste or texture of and never want to eat. Now, if your friend happened to really like that food, thought it was the best thing ever - would you wish that something would happen to scare him into not liking that food anymore? Would you even care what kind of food he likes? Would you think it even made sense if someone tried to tell you that you should judge your friend as a person based on the the fact that he likes that food?

Or another way:

Not so many decades ago, children (in the US anyway) used to be punished for being left handed. To the point that it was considered acceptable for teachers to hit a child on their left hand with a ruler and publicly shaming them in class if they tried to use the 'wrong' hand. In some places this still goes on. LINK

Does this make any rational sense at all to you?

Your friend being gay is as natural as left-handedness or liking (or not liking) some foods. If you wouldn't care about what food he likes or hand he uses to sign his name, why should you care about who he's attracted to? The negative reactions you were hoping for might have driven him back into the closet, which wouldn't mean he was straight, just that he was putting on an act (and being unhappy) for the sake of your emotional complacency.

Do you feel that your friends should sacrifice their happiness for the sake of your emotional complacency?

Coming at this from another direction, you say you now consider his partner a friend as well. That would seem to indicate that both of them has various qualities that you value in another person, as well as compatible personalities, over and above their sexual orientation. So why then does their sexual orientation (something that you presumably have only minor exposure to) so important to you?

It's a life, not a lifestyle. And realistically, it's not so different from yours, most likely. Unless you and your friends are in the habit of having sex in front of each other, it seems unlikely that that aspect of things impinges on your existence much at all (and anyway, we pretty much do the same stuff you do, we just do it with another guy). Beyond that, he still needs to make money, pay the bills, wash the dishes, etc. etc. just like you do.

Yes, I realize that it can feel a little strange for you if you hear him talk about a 'gay' thing or see him being affectionate with his partner. But none of that actually hurts you. It neither takes money from your wallet, nor food from your mouth. And after seeing it for a while, the novelty wears off. And then really, why would you care one way or the other?

If one of your friends got into a relationship with someone of another race or religion and somebody on the street took it upon themselves to give them problems because they were against mixing of the races, or inter-faith relationships, how would you respond to that? Would you just let it happen if this person escalated things to physical threats or beyond? Or would you stand up for them and stand by them?

Put another way - would your gay friend stand up for you if a situation arose? If the answer is yes, then are you prepared to do any less for him?

Then I strongly advise you to only get married to a woman.

As mentioned above, it's not your fault that you grew up in an anti-gay environment. However, what you choose to do about that fact is up to you.

Assuming that there is a fairly strong religious component to your feelings in all this, I would suggest talking to a pastor or priest from a gay friendly faith and get their take on things. While I'm certainly not suggesting that you renounce your faith, you might find it educational to get a positive faith-based perspective on the issue of homosexuality. Both the Episcopal Church and the Unitarian Universalists generally have a reputation for being very gay friendly churches. Perhaps talk to some folks from there and see how that impacts your thinking.

Hope this helps,

Todd