Need help with a guy that I really like...

Hi guys,

Here's the deal. I'm 26, and had been dating my first boyfriend for a little over two months. Things had been going quite well; I'd met his friends and they liked me, his roommates liked me, we are in to the same stuff, etc...

He'd mentioned near the beginning when we started dating that he had just gone through a big break up in January and wasn't sure how much time we wanted to commit to dating - which I was fine with. Weeks went by and everything was going OK, and then it just happened that a couple of weeks ago we saw a lot of each other (almost every day). About a week ago he said to me that this had kind of freaked him out, he reminded me about his breakup, and asked if we could keep it to seeing each other 2-3 times a week. Again, I said this was fine...he was so patient with me at the beginning of the relationship that I feel like I owe it to him to be just as patient with him.

Two days after this he slept over at my place (he had been weird the last night) and when I asked him in the morning what was wrong he said that 'He couldn't do this. He thought he was ready to start dating again but he was wrong'. I was kind of floored, and told him that if there was anything I could do to help the situation (i.e. give him time, space) I would, but he said that there's nothing that I could really do because the problem wasn't caused by anything that I had done. He said that he thought I was great/sweet/etc... but he just needs time to deal with his issues from his previous relationship. It didn't really end on a bad note, I told him that if he ever felt like he was ready to give me a call, and he said that he would but that he didn't want me to just wait around.

I still really care for him...and I think that he does care for me, otherwise why introduce me to all his friends? If I was just a rebound, wouldn't he have just 'stuck it out' until he was feeling better and then moved on? Why would he get upset at someone calling me his 'boytoy' (implication being that the relationship was just about sex) if I didn't mean something more to him?

I really don't want to give up on this guy. I know that if I ever want something to happen between us again I need to give him time. My tentative plan was to give him a month or so and then send him a message saying something along the lines of "Hi, hope you're doing OK When you feel ready I'd really like it if we could just sit down and talk for a bit". Good idea? Bad idea? I really miss being with him...

 

It's just hard because I really want to talk to him now, but I don't want him to be uncomfortable...I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep cause I'm thinking of all the things that I want to say to him.

I typed them all up this morning, as if I was typing a letter, and I think that helped. I don't want to screw things up by saying the wrong thing, and this way I can look at my words and adjust them as I see fit over the next few weeks.

It's also weird because he's in almost all the same courses as my roommate. I know that she's seen him, but I've been resisting the urge to ask her about him...I don't want to put her in the position of being the 'person in the middle'.

 

So yesterday, after about a month, I met the guy for a cup of coffee.

I had been doing OK, but it was a lot harder than I thought it would be...seeing him again just reminded me of how much I really do like him. We had a good talk, though. He filled in some of the blanks as to what was going on with him and reiterated that he really did think I was a great person and thought that we connected well, but that he still just needed some time to be alone.

The nice part was that we didn't just talk about that...we were catching up on what we had been up to the past month, chatted about a TV show that we're both watching, and we were able to laugh together again.

I did tell him again that I wouldn't wait around for him, but said that if he ever felt ready that he should give me a call. At the very least, though, if this is the last time we talk (and honestly, I have a feeling in my gut that it will not be) I'm glad that it was an honest and positive conversation as opposed to his abrupt departure last month, and that it ended with a 'see you around' instead of a 'goodbye'.

 

Yes, I was happy with how it went. I sent him a quick message after just saying "Thank again for coming, it meant a lot to me and I was glad that we were able to laugh together again. I hope you work through your stuff because you're a great person and you deserve to be happy".

I definitely don't plan on waiting around for him, but I don't think I want to start dating anyone new right now...I'm in the homestretch of finishing my Master's which is quite time consuming, and then the holidays are coming up, and in January I will be job hunting so I'm going to be quite busy for a while, plus it's not like I find guys I really like around every corner.

Who knows what might happen in the new year?

 

I appreciate the point of view, but I don't think that it's like that at all...

When we started dating he really did think that he was ready, but realized along the way that he still had some issues that he needs to work through. In a way, I am happy that he chose to end things when he did instead of stringing me along for a few more months.

He said that part of the issues that he is dealing with is irrational feelings of anger, and that if we had kept seeing each other he would have ended up resenting me for things that were out of my control. He didn't want that, because (again) he does like me and that would not have been fair to me. That's not dishonesty...that's him being very honest, both with me and with himself about what he needs right now.

Like I said, I don't exactly plan on waiting around for him but if I'm not in a place in my life right now where I want to start dating again anyways I don't see the harm in leaving that door open.