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Dating while you were questioning your orientation

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jax12, Oct 21, 2014.

  1. Jax12

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    When there was someone you first thought was attractive, was it the looks that caught your attention, or was it who they were as a person that caught your attention? Maybe both?

    I find that dating girls is more comfortable for me, although I've only done it once for a short while. I'm curious to know how it feels like for those who are confident in their orientation:

    - If you are gay, lesbian, etc. do you feel any attraction to the opposite gender at all? Do they get your attention?
    - When you're dating someone that you actually want to date, how does it feel?
    - If you dated someone of the opposite gender (while you were gay), how did it feel?


    I'd imagine that if you dated someone you weren't very interested in, you'd feel trapped and feel like the relationship is forced. But doesn't that go without saying in any relationship?

    Could you be confident in your orientation, yet feel that the relationship is forced?

    Extra information of where I'm coming from below... here's a basic summary of what I wrote:

    1.) What I feel towards girls (dating/relationship wise) is not felt towards older men. Any guy with the right body can turn me on at the right moment, but when it comes talking to them as a human being, that instantly goes away, and it feels like I'm having a normal conversation. You know, guy to guy.
    2.) When I was with my first girlfriend for the beginning, the relationship felt forced, like "when is this going to be over". What is interesting though, is that while I was with her my interest towards older men subsided, like it didn't even exist. But I felt pressured to maintain the relationship because whenever I wanted to hang out with my bro's, she basically followed me like a dog (not kidding). I felt, annoyed I guess. Very clingy. I suddenly didn't like her anymore, but at the same time I didn't want to end it. I couldn't act like myself, and neither could she (which was key).
    3.) Long term relationships: I don't see it happening with men, because I want my own kid (you know, female + male = baby) and a woman to spend the rest of my life with. There are things that guys can't provide and only girls can (and vice versa). In the long run I'd like to believe that I want more than just sex.

    Thoughts?

    In the porn industry, I find that older men and their "dominance" is much more appealing to me than women. In the "porn world", where there are no rules and boundaries, sex is so much more appealing (to me at least) because no effort is required before sex. You just say "Hey, that person is hot. I want to do something with that person". Don't have to worry about impregnating either. Personally I don't find lesbian porn very interesting because there's no "penetration" involved, that's why straight porn arouses me much more than lesbian. I imagine I'm the guy having sex with the girl. Doesn't explain why I watch gay porn though, with only certain guys and certain acts.

    I don't reject female porn, it's just that there's something about male masculinity and their dominance that's so appealing. Like they can do whatever they want.

    I'd prefer not to date older men as an experiment because of the age gap that could interfere with LTR's. There are too many differences, and we all know where that could lead to.
     
    #1 Jax12, Oct 21, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2014
  2. mangotree

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    Looks first, then who they are.
    If who they are wasn't very nice though, the physical attraction went away instantly.
    OR if who they are was really awesome, the physical attraction increased hugely.

    Every day, just not sexually attracted though.
    Mostly appreciation of their beauty as a whole person (as apposed to pretty face, nice ass, huge rack)

    Exciting, butterflies, can't take the smile off your face.
    Feels like you're sharing your energy with them and they're sharing their energy with you.

    Keep in mind, this was when I was 19.
    It felt insanely awkward.
    Felt like I had to or should kiss her rather than wanting to.
    A lot of things that she said or did (often very womanly things) made me think less of her for some reason.

    In my opinion, if you feel trapped or forced in a relationship - then it's not a healthy relationship to be in.
    People in relationships should be equals with a good amount of positive/healthy tension thrown in the mix for excitement.

    A relationship can feel forced no matter who you're with. It could just mean you're incompatible.
    I've been in a couple of "forced" same-sex relationships, when I wasn't sure if I was physically, emotionally or mentally attracted to them from the beginning and it wasn't because they weren't attractive, romantic or smart. Needless to say, those relationships ended fairly quickly.

    Isn't that a good thing, to feel comfortable around someone that you're attracted to?

    Sounds pretty normal in any incompatible relationship.
    I guess your biggest question is why were you incompatible?

    Not saying you're definitely gay or bi, but nearly all gay/bi men go through this.
    A lot of them still come out the other side feeling happy and fulfilled though.

    There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date older men. I'm not particularly sure why you've made a point of 'not older men' several times in this thread. You're allowed to be attracted to guys around your own age, it's no problem, it's pretty normal.
     
  3. Jax12

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    Yup. Felt that before. Didn't feel awkward to me, but I guess I didn't like her the same way again since she basically wasn't the same person that I was interested in. She became much more quiet.

    Yeah that's basically how I felt before telling her that I wanted to end it. I think I was attracted to how beautiful/cute/smart she was, and at the time I wanted to know her more. It's weird though because as soon as I did, in the next couple of days, things got a little strange. She became much more quiet than before, and she kind of followed me around.

    That does go in line with what you said:
    If who they are wasn't very nice though, the physical attraction went away instantly.

    Didn't find her much appealing after that.

    Where I work, there's always a lot of people. Lets say theres this older macho guy that I got my eyes on (a guy I would see in porn). As soon as he asks me a question, I treat him like anyone else that's asking me a question. Attraction disappears. I hope that makes sense. I can think of all the fetishes I would do with him, but that's pretty much porn, not a relationship. It seems that I want men for sex MORE than a relationship. Does this make sense?

    It's difficult at this point to what my attraction means, but if I truly wanted to date a guy, wouldn't I have these feelings towards guys (like I have with girls)? That's pretty much my biggest confusion, among other things.

    Hmm. Interesting. Is that basically what you went through?

    Yeah I'm not sure why I have the mindset of not dating older men. I haven't been attracted to guys my age though, that's what I'm sure of. If I was, then I would notice it, like how I'm noticing the older guys. I understand that it's not a big issue (seeing older guys), but it almost seems like a fantasy more than a reality.

    Do you ever just look at someone and want them for sex, and that's it? That's what I'm feeling right now for both genders (although more for the guys, I think). It's weird because girls who basically have the "right package" actually get me aroused. I've noticed this with certain girls. Sometimes if they're in a bikini my god, I can't stop staring LOL
     
    #3 Jax12, Oct 21, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2014
  4. mangotree

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    For me personally, when I first started thinking about and doing something about my sexuality (when I was about 17-20), I was only interrested exploring and discovering sex and my fetishes etc... relationships were completely out of the question.
    I didn't even want to kiss guys - which some how made it feel more "gay".
    Now though, kissing is my favourite thing to do with guys and I'd much rather have a relationship with someone than just have sex with them.

    Life just evolves I guess. And you just have to let it.
    I think my thoughts first started evolving from when I made friends with some gay couples and some down to earth single gay guys. It was then that I realised how normal and awesome being gay was.
    I guess the less I felt like a freak, the more romantic I got.
    More education created more self-acceptance.


    I read your original post wrong.
    You ARE attracted to older men, but you don't want to date them because of the whole age difference thing. The emphasis being on "dating" them.
    Trust me, there's plenty of older men out there that just want what you want - exciting, exploratory, romantically disconnected, casual, no-strings sex. Just be safe of course.

    There's a chance though that (just like me), once you've explored a bit, there's a possibility that you will develop feelings and emotions towards men.
    If you really really don't want that to happen, then maybe it's probably worth while considering that exploring your same-sex attraction isn't the best idea. Just stick with women.

    Check out the LGBT Later in Life section on here and read about some gay men that are in straight marriages. I'm not saying you will become one of them if you deny your same-sex attraction for the rest of your life, but their stories might help you to decide where to go from here.

    On a side note - I still get tongue tied and awestruck if I come into contact with a hot bikini babe. It's almost like when you see a celebrity in real life. I can't look away and I get all nervous and self conscious etc.. "Oh my god, this goddess is talking to me".
     
  5. mangotree

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    Yes, this is what I went through.
    I grew up expecting that I'd eventually have a wife and kids. I think it's basically just because it's the only family model that I'd been exposed to.
    There was quite a journey involved with accepting that my eventual family model will be completely different. Once I embraced it though - life went from good to awesome.
     
  6. Jax12

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    But it's almost as if I don't want to be gay. I've read around many forums that gay individuals were aware of their full attraction towards the same-sex, they just weren't ready to admit it yet. Can this be applied to you?

    And if I may ask, before you came out, when were you aware of your attraction towards guys? Were you, at any time, uncomfortable with coming out? And for what reason?

    Of course, there's nothing wrong with being gay, and I have nothing against gay people at all. I do feel a little disturbed when i see 2 guys kissing and showing intimacy in real life (no offense, of course). I've seen it a couple times and thought huh, I don't want to be in that relationship (I highly doubt this has to do with societal norms).

    Over the past couple of days I've begun to reevaluate myself and my desire towards men. Today on the bus, there was this very macho guy who sat beside me. I became VERY anxious and my desire to violate him came out of no where! Literally!

    This isn't the first time this has happened, but I didn't look at him and get butterflies, or feel all tingly inside. I felt extremely confused and felt like I was going to explode! Like WTF why do I have these thoughts?! Why do I want to touch him like that?! It almost sounds like I want to rape him! Grab his junk and essentially use him! Sorry for using such vulgar language and imagery, but this is exactly how I felt. I no longer viewed him as an individual; I viewed him as an object for personal use.

    I see that shit in porn all the time, where people do these things and I get turned on by it, but now that I've actually experienced the situation first hand, I'm not no sure that I'm even gay at all. My body says YES DO IT but my mind says NO because it's morally wrong. Not wrong in the sense of gay relationships, but my reason for doing so was wrong and I wasn't the type of guy that would perform these things in reality. What do you think?
     
    #6 Jax12, Oct 23, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2014
  7. Tardis2020

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    Sexual fantasies are a normal human behavior. You see someone attractive, and you'd like to become intimate with them. Honestly, I'm no expert but you may be bi or gay, but don't force yourself into a label, that seems to cause a lot of anxiety and is only something you can decide, but its unnecessary unless you want it. Just be you, and love who you love and do what you want to do (assuming its safe).
    To answer your questions, I'm 14 and in 9th grade btw:
    - If you are gay, lesbian, etc. do you feel any attraction to the opposite gender at all? Do they get your attention?
    Nope, I'm not attracted to girls/women at all, I notice who's attractive and who's not just like a straight male would with men, you can think someone is attractive without being attracted to them.
    - When you're dating someone that you actually want to date, how does it feel?
    Sorry, I'm yet to date another gay person. I can't say.
    - If you dated someone of the opposite gender (while you were gay), how did it feel?
    I dated a girl twice. Once was just because everyone had a girl/boyfriend and I felt pressured, it lasted literally 15 minutes (thus was 5th grade). Then I went to the 8th grade dance with a girl, once again pressure I was never actually attracted to her, and i just felt awkward the whole time. I didn't feel right, at this point I was questioning my sexuality and kind of using her to prove myself straight (unsuccessfully).
     
  8. mangotree

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    I knew during primary and high school that I found a few of my male friends and classmates attractive, but I didn't equate it with being gay and I also legitimately believed that I was still attracted to women as well.
    I honestly thought my male-male attraction was just a normal part of growing up and discovering myself. And when I "experimented" with friends in high school, it was just expermintation - nothing more... i.e. I thought I was just going through the normal puberty phases.
    From about 17-21 I thought I was bi. I even thought I was bi for a short time after coming out (as bi).

    I remember having a crush on some guys in my swimming squad when I first started swimming when I was about 6 or 7 years old and also had a crush on a guy in my cricket team when I was 8 or 9 years old. I thought it was normal though (no one ever told me it was bad or wrong).

    I still get a bit nervous before coming out to people sometimes. Just because it's sometimes impossible to predict their reaction.

    Maybe just consider that how you feel when you see public displays of gay affection isn't necessarily how other would feel if they saw you doing it.
    Still not saying you're definitely not gay or bi (though you're probably not completely straight) but do you often fear the judgement of others?

    Again, this is pretty common when you're first realising or discovering what your sexuality is (or what it isn't). Some guys just like to be more dominant in the bedroom.
    Out of interest, have you ever been in a sexual or romantic situation where you have had your control taken away from you?

    In my opinion - feelings, emotions and desires (in your body) are more trustworthy than thoughts (in your mind).
    Thoughts are often "conditioned" into your mind throughout your life by different people.
    Of course feelings, emotions and desires are often a result of certain thoughts, but when the body and mind are at war - I'm more inclined to trust my body to find the truth most of the time.
    That's just from my experience and from reading dozens of self-help books.
     
    #8 mangotree, Oct 23, 2014
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  9. Jax12

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    That's where it throws me off; I don't find any of my male friends (let alone guys around my age) attractive. I've noticed though, that it's only about the body that I'm looking for. When it comes to just chilling with my friends, doing homework, playing games, etc I have a great time. Never once have I "felt" an attraction to them (if you know what I'm saying, it's hard to explain in words). I guess there is preference here and there (and maybe why I am sexually aroused by older men).

    Let's just say I was gay. If I was predominantly gay, I would have had feelings for guys IN GENERAL. Whether I'm denying that I'm gay or not, I would still have these feelings. When I was young, I never had these attractions for guys my age. I remember that I elementary and junior high, I had a crush on a girl. There are only a handful of girls that get my attention, but guys never got my attention (besides the older ones, and those ones get VERY specific as you may already know).

    Yeah I do fear judgement of others to a certain extent. I see guy/girl relationships in general where the guy is showing a shit ton of PDA (if not little) and I wish I had the balls to do that. Maybe I'm not one of those guys. Then again, if it feels right then I'll do it without worrying what people think. Even when I was with my ex, I felt forced to hold her hand, arm around the shoulder, etc but at the same time I can't do that to a guy (dating-wise). I see them as good friends, not potential mates. But then I find older guys physically appealing, but also not potential mates. Weird, huh.

    Not really, no. No sexual or romantic situation was out of my control. Then again I haven't had a sexual situation, and I only dated once with a girl.

    I agree with you. As much as I want to give in to my urges, I never want to act them out. Though at times I am VERY tempted to.

    But you knew that you were attracted to boys at such a young age. I remember that when I was 6-7 young I had my eyes on girls. I obviously was not aware of the gay terminology, like you, but I just never had those feelings for boys. Why are these random attractions suddenly coming up now?

    It's weird because I started having attraction to older men at around 10-11, also when I was molested by men. I never had an attraction towards guys my age, but since then I looked towards certain men who asserted dominance in terms of physical appearance. I was aware of the physical attraction where I would basically stare at the teacher's bulge, but I never thought about how I may be gay (and of course at that time we all knew what gay was), or how I may develop a relationship with a guy (in general). Despite all the homophobia in the world, it doesn't explain why I have these "attractions" to a very limited group of guys.

    In retrospect, it's almost as if i look at their masculinity as a form of dominance; the bigger you are, the stronger you are. My dad and I are almost alike in terms of dominance in a relationship; we're the less dominant ones (my mom is basically the one in charge).
     
    #9 Jax12, Oct 26, 2014
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  10. mangotree

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    You were molested by men???
    Maybe you need to address this at some point with a therapist.

    I guess your attraction to men started at about the same time as most people (10 or 11), but instead of classmates (like me), you found older guys attractive. Pretty much the same thing. I've always found guys my own age attractive / you've always found older guys attractive.