Adventures of Being Disowned (Just Got Disowned)

So it finally happened today...after almost 3 years of blackmail, lies, emotional torture, pain & whatnot my parents finally cut me off. To cut the very long story short:

- Came out to parents in April 2012 (they live in India now whereas I live in the UK....I was brought up here but they decided to move back to India a few years ago for personal reasons)

- Bad reaction & threatened to cut funding to university...as I was in India when this threat was made to me I decided to 'pretend' to agree to 'try to change' in order to get funding for university and basically to get on a flight back to the UK where I felt safe.

- Then late 2012 onwards this lie had to be maintained for my funding to continue...I was in a relationship in this time so it made it very difficult...and parents kept making demands like I should get a girlfriend.

- December 2013 -- I expressed doubts over whether I could change or not.

- August 2014 -- I said I cannot change....so I will stay 'neutral' for now (was met with a bad reaction) .

- Early October 2014 -- After a lot of mental torture I finally couldn't take the lying & blackmail anymore so I put my foot down and said I'm not changing...ever. To this I was told that I would be dragged back to India against my will & enrolled in a medical school there (legally they can't touch me as I'm a citizen of the UK though). I was also told I would be put on a hypnotherapy treatment for homosexuality & that all psychiatrists they spoke to in India and one in the UK said it can be cured (I would like to know who it was in the UK that they spoke to as I can get them fired for saying that...it can be a huge issue for their career).

- Late October 2014 -- As I still refused to 'change' & said I wouldn't budge from the UK Iw as told this was the last time they would be sending me money to cover my monthly rent...from here on out I was on my own....it was over.

So there we are...I am now going to start a chronicle of the Adventures of Being Disowned. I'm doing it as I feel like it would be nice to hear people input/advice on what I should do at points & writing as if I'm telling others a story of how I'm doing will be therapeutic for me personally.. Especially as the situation develops as I am scared...I've never been in anything like this & I don't wanna be making millions of threads asking lots of questions. Also if anyone else ever goes through anything like this I hope they will know they are not alone!

Day 2

Emotions:

Frankly nothing has sunk in at all...a part of me is in denial over this whole thing...I woke up thinking it was all a bad dream! I haven't even looked into what I'm feeling emotionally as my mind is immediately worried about the money & the fact that this course has to be finished! It's med school as well so there basically too much work to be doing anyhow as I'm in the toughest year....so I literally have no space in my brain for emotions! I know that's bad and that I need to think about all that jazz at some point as I know at some point I am going to feel very very upset indeed...but maybe for now sorting out the practicalities is for the best!

I've told 2 friends about this & the student support lady of our med school. My friends know about all the family drama and they knew this would happen at some point...they knew how much this lying & blackmail was hurting me & that I wouldn't hold off till university ended before coming clean to the parents. One of them was so nice about it & said I could stay at hers over summer if I needed to...really feel cared for because of that. The other friend is my closest friend and honestly I think I just really scared her & when I told her I felt like I was gonna have to make sure she was okay as she seemed so shocked by all of it. Not exactly the kind of reaction you hope for but it shows she cares a lot I guess!

I feel so weird telling this to anyone as I feel like I suck out all the positive energy in the room by breaking this news & somehow make any problems anyone else is having seem little. So I feel guilty as I think I'm just being a bit of a burden on everyone. Especially as all my close friends have supported me through a lot the past few years.

Finances:

I have always been secure all my life as my parents are loaded...and in very high earning jobs. So I was a spoilt kid with not that much value for money. I was never encouraged to ever do part time work or summer jobs nor did I try to myself as I was always told financially I was so secure. So having just £500 left in my bank account that needs to cover my food & rent (rent comes to £400 for next month) till January is frankly HORRIFYIN...like there could be no money left for rent for January if I get no loans/help.

University tuition is paid for thankfully as I'm a British Citizen and the government takes care of that (it's a loan but interest free so whateverr). Then we get a 'maintenance loan' on top of that which is assessed according to your parents income (so if they earn loads you get a low amount)...so it is assumed that parental contribution is a given no matter what. I for example only get £3K which for where I live in the UK is nowehere near enough to even cover accomodation costs for a year. So I used to use to £3K on my social/food/bills and parents used to pay the accomodation cost. As they will no longer do that I will be in need of £4K...from somewhere! Luckily there are only 2 years of university left and then I am guaranteed a job as a doctor (99% employment rate) & a good salary...so I just need to somehow get through these 2 years and If do get any major debt in that time from having to take loans it will have at least have a good chance of being repaid off fast. The end result of this degree makes me feel quite safe & secure at least.

Tomorrow I am going to look into the loan, bursaries & grant options available to me. I will also do some research on what organisations can do for LGBT individuals in this situation as I'm sure I'm not the only one who's ever been in this position. I am also going to try to get a job as a Healthcare Assistant in the hospital as they let medical students do this as part time work on weekends.

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I intend to come out of this on the other side sane, more responsible, stronger & in a position to hopefully raise awareness over this issue of estrangement & disowning that so many LGBT youth must have to face. I will try to do an update every few days!

**I hope the thread is in the right forum!

 

Day 3

Thank you for the kind words guys .

@Patrick

I checked out the bank policies online for a 'Career Development' loan and unfortunately they do not give you loan if you already receive Government support (or are even eligible for it). Personal loans aren't given to anyone who is a student in the banks I spoke to...one of them is the bank I am with right now. They can offer you a credit card with £500 on it though with a flexible repayment system...so I can keep that in mind in case of a financial emergency. I think it would still be worth going and seeing an advisor in the banks in person...I will do it sometime next week.

@Tbob

I'm gonna call Student Finance England on Monday. I checked their policies online for 'independent student status'. Unfortunately it states you need to have been independently funding yourself for 3 years to count as one. But they have a 'estranged from parents' status too that I can apply for....they say ideally you should have not had any contact from parents for 1 year...however they say that is flexible. The only issue with this is that they cannot change how much money they give you in the middle of an academic year...so I would have to apply for that for the next academic year. So that is there for next year at least....this year can't be reassessed though ...stupid rules!!! Wish they understood that life isn't static.

@Resu

I'm glad you got a scholarship & that your Mum is to some extent accepting?

Unfortunately there is no LGBT center where I am in the UK, and my parent University has a LGBT society run by the students...no center as such. There is a local 'LGBT Youth Group' that I am thinking I could go to for advice. Thanks for the idea of looking for LGBT doctor/health professional associations as I believe there is a big one in London, I could email them about my situation maybe or talk to an advisor if they have a number .

I hope in time they realise it is their loss...it could take ages but atleast the first step has been taken. Keeping us all wrapped in lies was getting nowhere.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

So today the first thing I did was look into 'estrangement status' & how I can get it in order to receive more funding. In this I came accross a very interesting document made by NUS (National Union of Students) about the difficulties faced by students who are estranged to get funding. The document is basically a research report into this & says it was made due to prompting from the LGBT NUS Officers as LGBT individuals are disproportionately affected by this problem.

http://www.nus.org.uk/PageFiles/12238/Estrangement_report_web.pdf

A very interesting document if any of you wanna read it. It was useful for me as it told me what would help in getting a successful application made. In most cases the application requires a 'professional/important personnel' (Such as doctor, police officer etc.) to corroborate your story. Luckily for me I have been honest with the medical school dean throughout the last 2 years about my situation...and she is a Sexual Health doctor and is very aware of the kind of discrimination LGBT people suffer. She is more than happy to write a letter for me...so I feel like at least I have a very strong supporting letter for my case.

I made a huge budget plan with a friend today to see how much I would really need which was useful. We did it whilst having tea & listening to music which made the whole thing seem far less stressful than it truly was! Emotionally I still feel to numb to this...just fighting to get funding & remain on the course for now is my coping strategy.

 

Day 5

@PatrickUK

Aww don't apologise. Thanks for replying and giving such good advice . I had no idea you could ask the Citizens Advice Bureau for help in terms of getting past all the jargon & maximising the chances of doing a successful application. As like you said a lot of these forms I'm looking at are sooo confusing and it's hard to know what to tell them and what not to tell them. I feel like the University support advisors are doing a great job, but for any matters outside of the university they seem almost as unsure as me on policies or what to put in forms. So thanks for that, I'll book an appointment with them as soon as I can .

@USxUK

Thanks for replying . Unfortunately I can't do a full part time job as our placements often end past 6pm...and we have weekend placements at times. So getting a job as a Healthcare Assistant (bank work) would be best so that I can choose exact shifts I'll be able to do. It pays decently if I do a shift on Sunday (£9 an hour)...and I am willing to work over the Xmas & Easter holidays.

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I'd say today has been a tough day. I haven't really felt myself today. I am not someone who usually gets annoyed or snappy at all. But I've noticed I've been feeling pretty on the edge today & kept feeling a bit hurt/insecure over little things (things as small as where friends were sitting in the lecture hall). I think a part of this is to do with almost everyone going home to see their families over the weekend & then everyone was talking about that. And about how they can't wait to go back near xmas time. I guess I'm feeling a mixture of jealousy, anger and the all too familiar feeling of unfairness. I don't even feel like being in the room when they talk about stuff like that, I feel like there's invisible eyes looking at me feeling sorry that I can't have that kind of family stuff anymore. It's not fair that I can't do those things anymore or look forward to that kind of stuff anymore. In truth though I had already stopped looking forward to seeing family over the last few years as tensions built and relationships rotted away...but now it's a case of I won't see them at all...so it's a step further from where I had been. Sometimes when something is lost to you, even though you know its bad you want it. Mum hasn't messaged me in 4 days...she'd never do that...usually I'd be happy if she didn't message but at the moment I feel sad over it. I guess I am going to go through the motions, nothing is gonna change that.

Tomorrow is a busy day at University so that should take my mind of things. I was told by my student support advisor that I can appeal to Student Finance England for a 'Change of circumstances'...I am going to call them about that to see if I am eligible to appeal...that's a small ray of hope for tomorrow!

 

Day 12

Gosh was it a dramatic week.

So I made the call to Student Finance England and they said I can appeal for change of circumstances for sure & that I should. So most of my week was spent collecting letters of recommendation, juggling uni work and writing a letter myself explaining the situation in the best way possible.

Then on the weekend I was due to go to London for a concert, with my ex boyfriend (we booked the tickets ages ago). I always knew this was gonna be a potentially challenging weekend just by itself. Especially as 2 years ago we'd gone to the same concert around this time in November & that was just a few days before we started our relationship. So this concert trip was obviously not gonna match up to the last one & honestly I feel like it just ended up bringing emotions best put to rest back up. Anyway I will probably not see again for a long time...if at all that...which is horrifying as one year ago my whole world revolved around him...but I can finally come to terms with this now as this concert trip is out of the way. Telling him about family situation was great though, as he was the biggest source of support for me during the year we were together for. Anyway the weekend has left me in a relapsed state in terms of getting over my ex-bf which sucks! Maybe I'm just too sentimental and emotional a person!

Anyway now on to today & the dramatic turn of events.

Basically mum phoned & said she is going to resign from her job in India and move to where I'm headed for my final year of medical school (it's a different town to the one I'm in now) & basically to work there. This is a horrifying prospect...as I know her intention would be control me & to keep an eye on me. It would pretty much ruin next year for me..as I was looking forward to moving into a city & having one final year of University to enjoy. I told her that I would tell the medical school of her intentions and they'd move me away to a different locality. This was a mistake as then I had to admit to her that I've told the medical school everything...she was horrified...and shouted at me a lot...all sorts of stuff from how I've made my parents 'look bad' to how shameless I am to go crying to the medical school about my personal issues. She then hung up. Called back 5 minutes later and said I am to cancel all my loan applications & that she's gonna transfer the entire money I'll need for the year. She straight away transferred a HUGE sum of money...that would last me for the entire year in terms of accommodation.

I told her I did not want her money anymore as she was just trying to regain control of me..but she transferred it. I went straight to the dean of the med school after this & she advised me to still apply to student finance england for a 'change of my circumstances'.

So I have the money now...but god knows what they're gonna do. They might ask for it back (As they keep changing their minds about stuff)...they might move back to the UK. Lord knows how far they are willing to go to take control of me again..and I fear how far they are willing to sacrifice their own wellbeing.

The rollercoaster isn't stopping...just when I seem to have a plan of action in hand they blow it apart with some new move they play.

 

Day 23

@AK Todd

Yeah in the last few days I have become more calm to the idea that even if Mum moves here and tried to live close to me I will be fine. I will not let her control me. I will still do whatever I want. And if she does this then I have her without dad who is the worst influence on her in regards to LGBT stuff...so perhaps I can even start to influence her.

Anyway the ideal situation would be that none of that happens as it would still suck!

@iiimee

I won't ever be able to not communicate with my mum if she wants to talk to me. She has done so much for me in life, she is responsible for a lot of the good things I possess. But she has also hurt me more than anyone else these past years. Either way with the kind of relationship I used to have with her no part of me will ever be able to shut her out completely. But that's okay....I am happy knowing I can still love her despite what she has done and after I have told her she no longer has control over me.

And thank you for hoping for me ...I definitely believe good wishes go a long way to helping anyone!

@Gen

Thank you for the advice and you'll be happy to know I kept the money. It's been popped into a savings account and thus guarantees my accomodation till july. I'll have the healthcare assistant part time job by xmas...and if the workload at university isn't too much that will give a hefty sum of money on the side.

@Stephen

Woah that sounds so extreme. That must've been such a hard situation to deal with for you!! Thanks for the good wishes . They are from Maharashtra...a central region of India.

@Resu

I told her just that . I told her I've taken the money but it doesn't change my decision nor can you shove it in my face as 'proof' of you being a 'good mother' all the time. But she's already done the latter once in a convo when she said 'Why are you stressed when I've sorted out your financial problems'. Seriously... threatening her son, disowning, then changing her mind, emotionally abandoning then changing her mind is meant to have no impact on my 'stress levels'. Sometimes I feel like the richer people get the more they think their 'respect & money levels' can give them a free pass & are enough to solve problems. Ultimately that's why I don't even feel bad for taking the money from her...it's like a bit more than loose change to them literally.

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So yeahh...getting the money was great. And I might be eligible for further bursaries from the university (I'll find out soon enough).

But the problem is I'm just not happy. I feel like those few days a month or so ago definitely broke me down a lot. All my bad habits came back (taking the laptop to bed and watching tv for hours, eating junky food, leaving my room in a mess, staying up late and sleeping less). Any free time I have I spent with friends watching tv, movies, going out to the beach or to events etc. I know it's important to do that but I feel like I have tried to numb out the pain...and in turn I don't even feel happy for the fact that I'm not lying to them anymore.

In fact I'm shocked that I don't feel more free and happy. I'm not sure what's wrong. This was meant to make me feel more liberated, in control & free. I just feel tired, weaker & more stuck. I think the combo of mum & dads constant threats/cruel acts combined with spending that weekend with my ex & medical school work getting to a peak point was just too much for my mind! One other thing that doesn't help is that I am urgently required to go to India during the xmas holidays as my signature is needed to sell some properties so that the old folk in our family can get money to fund their medical treatments. Yeah at first I thought this was a 'TRAP' ...but I have since found out the situation is real and some relatives are in great financial need. As my signature is needed in person I'm gonna have to go. That's made the xmas holidays look like a ticking time bomb...I'm only going for 5 days so at least it's not the 2 weeks (I told mum I would only come for as little a time as possible). My friends say this is a bad idea but I have to go...I couldn't live with myself if people couldn't afford medical treatment because of me...and I'm going with money in my bank account and everyone aware of the conflict at home. So if I was forced to stay, one phone call to the embassy would be able to ensure my safe return to the UK (at least I think so anyway!!)

Anyway I feel like it's time to stop numbing the pain. A month ago I took action and did a lot to financially sort out what might be wrong. And I decided to leave the emotions on the side...but letting them fester wasn't ever a good idea! It's off to the counsellor with me on Wednesday...and back to thought journals..that always helps and did back in September when I got back to the UK after a crap week in India.