Here's what I've concluded so far. I do want a LTR with a much older man (40+) because they're attractive and everything I want in a man: they provide me love, affection, and most importantly of all, they can be a father to me. Yes, a father. I know this for sure because my reasoning for loving a man, well, it just doesn't feel right. It's instinct. I've grown very distant with my father at a very young age (7-8), and so in my life I only had my mom by my side, always helping me out, guiding me all the time. I'm not very close to my dad. I tend to avoid him since our personalities are WAY to similar. The only issue here is the age gap, and I can't stress this enough. I'm looking for a LTR and if the guy I'm dating is going to pass away by the time I'm 30, my god what kind of a relationship am I looking for? I won't pursue for another relationship with another guy, that's too much to handle. I've bounced back and forth between my orientation(gay/bi/straight) and I'm trying to put the pieces together, and something doesn't fit. What do you guys think: Spoiler Today I watched a YouTube video on how a guy came out gay at a old age (his channel is OutLateButGreat, and his name is Jim) and his videos begin to talk about how he accepted himself, being free of societal norms, etc. You know, you typical "coming out of the closet" story. I find men like this guy attractive. I'm not sure what's so attractive about him, but for a second I thought "Hey, this is the kind of guy that I want to be with for the rest of my life!". WHOA. Let's stop there for a second. You guys will say "yeah, I mean go for it! If you really want him then go for it!" Let me stop you right there. What is my main reason for wanting him (LTR): Am I developing feelings for guys like these because I truly love them? Or do I want to be with guys like this because I'm trying to get a surrogate father in my life?" If we think back to my main reasons for wanting this guy as a soul-mate, it doesn't align with my reasons at all. I think this is why I don't find guys my age attractive. Never once did, never will. There's something missing, and I'm trying to complete the puzzle with a piece that's from a different puzzle. It fits, yeah, perfectly, but when you look at it as a whole, the picture doesn't look right. This is what I'm feeling right now. I know I'm thinking WAY too far on this, but once my dad passes away I'll be extremely heartbroken because I didn't have a good relationship with him. It dreads me everyday that something will happen, and I won't even be able to say goodbye. Out of all the fears in the world, this is the one that scares me the most (even more than my orientation). Thoughts? Concerns? Anything helps.
There seems to be frequent discussions about age gaps in the Later in life section. Your thoughts do not seem necessarily uncommon, and this is coming from a 40+ with a partner in his late 20s. Curious, what's your age?
I think it is possible that your desire for a father figure and your attraction to older men aren't mutually exclusive. It is possible that you are simply attracted to older men and also happen to want a father figure which is fueling that want. There's nothing wrong with that. As USxUK said, it seems to be a rather common thing. Oddly, I am a lesbian who is into older women, but I am also yearning for the father figure I never had. I think it's something that people want to feel safe and secure and to fulfill a basic need from childhood that was not met. However, my attraction to older women is not at all linked to my want of a father figure in my life. Perhaps your feelings aren't linked too strongly either? You might be over thinking it.
I'm 18 at the moment. @Spacesuit I could be overthinking it yeah. I want to feel safe and secure just like you mentioned, and with no father figure, I have trouble dealing with anxiety and get angry very easily, both of which can be solved easily if I had a good relationship with my father. I know that sexual orientation is buried deep within us and that we're essentially born with a set orientation. I feel as if my wants for a much older man in my life doesn't actually have to do with my orientation. If I was truly gay right from birth, I would have developed feelings for guys from the start of my life. That's not the case. On the contrary, it is only recently, maybe a month or 2 ago, that I start realizing my attraction to older men could be a possibility that I a gay.. It's confusing.. ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2014 at 07:26 AM ---------- On a side note, I know that parental figures aren't enough for me to become gay, but at the moment I really like this girl and I'm not sure if it'll end up like my last relationship, where I broke up with my first gf just because I thought I was gay the whole time... I wasn't attracted to guys my age or older men in terms of a LTR. Why am I suddenly, experiencing this anxiety, shortly after I ended my first relationship?
I used to be a bit similar. My dad and I had grown some distance between us growing up and I had found myself attracted to older men somewhat because I knew they know what they are doing and could love like that. But I also figured I wanted that time back with my dad, I started making an effort to spend time with him and hugging him. It's helped me alot I realized that before that it wasn't just my dad not making an effort, I hadn't made any either. I find I'm not really attracted to much older guys anymore, just ones around my age like it used to be. I'm much happier I made a reconnection with my dad. I'd suggest trying to look past the irritants and just try to go out and do something you know you both will enjoy. My dad got me interested in cars at an young age so I suggested we ride up in his corvette to indy one weekend to go to a car show, it was great and we rebounded alot on the trip, I found he remembers way more about my life than I thought and that he thought way more of me than I thought he did.
Jax, I think you've hit on a core issue here. I understand your conundrum, but the idea that your romantic lover should be like a father to you is not a healthy thing, particularly if it is a rationalization for why it is justifiable. (That is even less healthy, as it's essentially framing the relationship as incestuous.) I am not trying to judge here but instead to point out the inherent problem: You're intellectualizing why you want something to avoid dealing with the real core issue, which is that you are uncomfortable accepting your sexual orientation. I'd respectfully suggest that before you can be in a healthy relationship with anyone, male or female, of any age, you may want to work on your own self-acceptance issues and, further, on the need for a father figure. Both of those are going to seriously interfere with your ability to have a healthy relationship, and without doing the self-work, you're likely to end up in a really unsatisfying, very codependent relationship. The good news is... if you do the work, you can resolve the issues and end up in a much healthier place, where you are loving someone for a healthy, emotionally fulfilling reason.
@topher85 Yeah I know what you mean. I'll start reconnecting with him soon. @Chip Yeah I don't doubt it at all; the idea that my romantic lover should be like a father to me. I've tried to step away from that, and learn on improving myself first but I don't even know where to begin! It's like accepting that I am gay; if I really am gay, then why do am I still attracted to girls? Am I allowing myself to be attracted to girls? That is one of my struggles. Maybe I'm bisexual, and to be honest it does represent me better. Not because I don't want to be gay, but my reasons for believing that I am gay aren't truthful. Quite frequently I've bouncing back and forth between straight/bi/gay. Does everyone go through this?
The "Bouncing" you could be feeling may, just be the fact that you are bi. Coming from someone who is, i can tell you that for me. I have a attraction to both males and females as you are saying. Sometimes i maybe be leaning more towards one or the other but really it just depends on the person who i'm attracted to at the moment(male or female)
