So I've just entered my first relationship starting a couple of weeks ago. We both go to the same university except that I'm two years older. Things have been fun and he's a great guy, except there are a few things bugging me. Lately a lot of things haven't been going right for him; his roommate has been giving him grief, his grandmother is dying of cancer, and as a result he's having a hard time focusing on school. He's told me that I'm the only good thing in his life that has gone right lately. While sweet, I can't help but feel a bit trapped now. I want to be there for him, but I don't feel like we've been together long enough for me to be completely invested. Because of things he's said, I feel like he now likes me way more than I like him, when we haven't been together that long. In addition, I'm beginning to feel like a bad person for thinking these thoughts. Am I shallow for wanting things to be good and not having to worry about him? When we're together he doesn't bring it up very often and I don't think too much of it, but when we're apart the doubts start creeping in. I'm feeling like this makes me a cold person.
I don't see how this makes you a bad person, really. I mean its understandable why you would feel this way. Like for instance, for me being clingy and over-attached is a huge turn off. If a person, is incapable of functioning when i'm not in there presence its too much for me to have that responsibility in hold on their life. But from the sounds of that this is not your case, the only thing you're guilty of is falling victim to coincidence. You guys were just starting to build a relationship and things starting go for the worst in his life, think of it as if you were him. You would probably attach and lean on the good, right? I would try to let this bother you too much, when things start to level back out then give a real look at your relationship.
I think it's understandable for you not to be as invested as he is and you shouldn't see yourself as a shallow person because of it. One thing that you have to take into consideration though is why he feels so much more invested, and in many ways it makes sense that it would be. He's going through a lot right now and your relationship is the only stable thing in his life right now. He said himself that you're the only good thing going for him right now. He's just going through a tough time right now and things should go back to normal over time.
I don't think you're shallow. In fact, I think that it's fairly normal what you're feeling. First off, I do think the "So, is this it?" feeling is a quite common one. You managed to get a relationship going, things are progressing steadily, and then suddenly your mind goes "so, is this what a relationship is like? should there be more? or less? Or something different?". And at such times it's normal to worry if you are invested enough, or too much already, or if you should be more invested, or how other even what investment even feels like. Secondly, it's quite impossible to be equally invested at all times. In tough times you lean on each other, on other times you need a bit more freedom to do your own thing. And sometimes they don't entirely match up. Some evenings I really want to just talk for hours to my boyfriend because I had a shitty day, but he only wants to have a quiet evening gaming behind the computer. On occasion leading to that "so, is this it?" feeling. Still, I guess the best way to look at it is asking yourself what the overall progression is. Are you continuing to have fun together? Are you still looking forward to hanging out? Do you see yourself moving towards more commitment in the future? Or are there roadblocks apparent? If the mid- to long-term prospects look OK, then I'd say you can continue going on and find out where it goes. It'll be a balancing act, but that's true for all relationships. They're lots of fun, but sometimes they're really just like having taken up another day job
