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Really scared I will be found out..

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by hereiam, Oct 31, 2014.

  1. hereiam

    Regular Member

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    Not trying to throw some kind of pity party, but since there is no one I can talk to about this in real life...I might as well vent anonymously online.

    I'm a college student. I've known that I am bisexual (leaning more strongly toward women -- I am female) since I was ~13, and thinking back to my childhood, it is pretty clear that I had crushes on girls.

    My main worry is that I will be off guard and say/do something stupid that will lead to people being sure that I am gay.

    It is out of the question for me to come out as my parents are extremely homophobic. I'm pretty sure my parents were suspicious of me when I was a teenager, and on more than one occasion, expressed their extreme disdain for homosexuality.

    My mother frequently mentions that she is afraid of homosexuals, and that I need to be careful at university because "there are a lot of gay people there."

    One time on the news, they were talking about the new Ugandan policies that would impose the death penalty on homosexuality, and my father (drunkenly) stated how he agrees with that, and that he thinks that gay people should be killed.

    I would frankly rather die than have to sever my relationship with my parents, as they really do mean the world to me. Although in some ways against reason, I respect and love them so much to the point that I am willing to stay in the closet until they pass away.

    My best friend, I am pretty sure, knows. She has said things like how she has a really strong gaydar, even for people who are not obviously gay or closeted gays. She has also said how this one jacket I have "makes me look like a lesbian" and that I would be really attractive if I were a guy. She has asked me (admittedly, jokingly) if I am a lesbian many times, and I have, for obvious reasons, strongly denied it, saying that she is being ridiculous. This is probably tipping her off even more since I am being overly defensive. She is probably going to continue to be friends with me if I come out (although I won't), but will most likely distance herself as she has told me about this girl she was friends with who is a lesbian who makes her "feel awkward."

    My close childhood friends are very Catholic, and so will most likely delete me from their lives if I make it too explicit that I am not your typical straight Catholic girl. They already have begun to not invite me to their stuff and basically just distance me because I don't go to church regularly anymore.

    I rarely drink, but when I do, I lose control of what I say, which really frightens me. For this reason, I pretty much never drink. On more than one occasion, I have said in front of my best friend, things that sound borderline gay (haha). For example, we were walking on the street when this attractive woman walked by, and I said that "she is hot." I then quickly added that "I wish I looked like that and that "I like her fashion style" in order to "de-gay" it. (I don't even know).

    I am honestly really stupid because for quite a while (past couple years) I was being really careless which probably led to most (if not all) of my friends to suspect that I am gay. For example, I was having lunch with a friend, and for the entire time (~40 min) I just kept making eye contact and smiling at this cute girl. Seriously what is wrong with me. My friend asked me while we were leaving the restaurant if I know that girl, and I told him that I thought I recognised her somewhere but was just confused with someone else.

    I am honestly so tired of living like this....but I really don't feel that I have a choice. Just wanted to vent. Thanks for all those who read this crap. I'm going to try really hard to restrain myself and try to appear more straight. I will probably try to get a boyfriend in the next couple months.....and just...I don't know....

    The anxiety is starting to interfere with my life to the point that I can't focus on anything important....especially because there is a girl I have a crush on who is in one of my classes. We sort of became friends in freshman year, but I have avoided her from last semester, as it has become too obvious that I like her. I have stopped going to class because I can't stop staring at her. I also avoid any events she is going to and have called for a rain check every time she asks to hang out or whatever. Agh. FML.
     
  2. Nychthemeron

    Full Member

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    Hey - it's not unreasonable to want to keep your relationship with your parents, even if they're hurting you unknowingly. But, I'm so sorry to hear that they are so unsupportive.

    About being found out, you really won't, unless you explicitly say "I'm bisexual" or you get caught kissing a girl or something. You can act as "gay" as you want and it still wouldn't give anyone the right to assume your sexuality. There are quite a lot of straight people who fit the stereotype of gay people, but they're still straight. The only way to actually know if someone is gay is to hear it from them themselves.

    But, I understand that it won't change the fact that you will be perceived as gay if you do act in a certain way. It isn't right, and it really damn sucks, but unfortunately, it's just what happens.

    Usually, it'd be best to try to stop thinking about it so, but I know it's difficult to. But, are you able to try, or have you already tried? If it's causing you anxiety, it's time to do something about it - whether it's coping with yourself or asking someone else to help.

    It's also very helpful if you put your feelings onto somewhere, like here. Sometimes journals just don't work, because there is no chance of getting advice. But on a forum like this, you might receive an enlightening response that will be able to help you. So post away - don't worry about posting a super long message or anything, just write and get your feelings out. It's not good to bottle things up.

    You mentioned your best friend? Do you mind telling us why you don't want to come out to her, even if you feel as if she'd be supportive?