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Is it bad that I'm hurt that I didn't have birthday sex with my bf

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jared, Nov 1, 2014.

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  1. Jared

    Jared
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    So yesterday was my birthday and I spent most of the day with my boyfriend and we went out to a few bars in LA's gay district last night. I tried to initiate sex a few times and was shot down every time. His only reasoning was he didn't feel like it, I know I shouldn't feel entitled to sex, but we don't have sex very often and he knows it's important to me. It isn't like he doesn't have a sex drive, he masturbates regularly. So the fact he wouldn't even have sex with me on my birthday was pretty depressing. I feeling really hurt right now and just want to crawl into bed and cry. It kinda out a damper on the whole day
     
    #1 Jared, Nov 1, 2014
  2. Night Rain

    Night Rain
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    I hate to be that guy but shouldn't you talk it out with him? I think it's reasonable for you to expect it or feel the way you did though.
     
    #2 Night Rain, Nov 1, 2014
  3. Jared

    Jared
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    I've tried and he just agrees with me and then dismisses it and nothing every changes. Our lack of a sex life has been an issue for awhile
     
    #3 Jared, Nov 1, 2014
  4. mbanema

    mbanema
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    Of course it's fair to feel hurt, especially if your boyfriend is routinely brushing aside your advances. That certainly doesn't mean he should force himself to have sex if he doesn't want to, but if you put yourself in a vulnerable position like that and get turned down I wouldn't expect it to feel good. I'm sure this happening on your birthday must be even more difficult to accept since all you probably wanted to do on a special day was be close to him.

    This is definitely something you're going to have to talk through together. It probably doesn't seem like it now, but I actually think it's a good thing that he was honest with you rather than just going through the motions because he thought that's what you wanted. I know I'd rather have a boyfriend who would respect me enough to tell the truth instead of taking the easy way out and trying to cover up a problem.

    As for his reasoning, I know it's difficult but I think you need to find out directly from him rather than speculating because chances are whatever conclusions you come to on your own will probably be worse than what's really going on. If he wasn't attracted to you he probably wouldn't have entered a relationship in the first place. Maybe he's self-conscious or not as confident as you. Maybe he understands how important you feel sex is to your relationship and is afraid that he can't live up to your expectations. Who knows.

    I hope you're able to hang in there okay and work everything out. Good luck!
     
    #4 mbanema, Nov 1, 2014
  5. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    First, happy birthday! Second, looking at your profile pics, how could he NOT want to be intimate with you???? You are absolutely adorable!

    That said, intimacy is a very important part of a relationship and can often really go towards reflecting the compatibility between partners. My immediate questions really are - a) Have you guys been together for a while and b) is he comfortable, with his sexuality?

    Young relationships often take time before they find their sexual stride, so to speak. My guess is that even after six months, true sexual compatibility is not necessarily realized.

    At the same time, if he is still struggling with his sexuality, that might be playing a role in his low sex drive as well.

    Other things to think about, is he stressed for other reasons, work, family? Etc.

    Depending on how long you have been together, maybe consider talking to a counselor together that can help sort through this with each of you.
     
    #5 OnTheHighway, Nov 1, 2014
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    Jared, if I remember correctly, this has been an issue for a while. A mismatch in sex drive is a very common issue, probably the biggest single cause of problems with couples gay and straight.

    There is a difference between sex drive in terms of desire to masturbate and sex drive in terms of emotional and physical intimacy with another person. The challenge here is, it doesn't sound like he is really interested in having meaningful conversation about it.

    Talking about sex and sex drive is pretty uncomfortable and often shameful for many people. It's one thing to joke about it and make offhand comments, quite another to go deeply into fears and discomfort. But if the two of you are going to solve this in the long term, that conversation needs to happen. And the problem is, it can only happen if he will sign on to have it.

    I'd suggest that it needs to go more than just his agreeing it's an issue. He needs to really talk about what it is about sex he isn't enjoying. That may be hard for him, and it could even be hard to hear. But I think if you can approach it by saying that you are Looking to better understand what he's feeling... And are patient... And he is willing to make himself vulnerable enough to talk about it, I think it could be very good for both of you.
     
    #6 Chip, Nov 2, 2014
  7. resu

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    Yeah, I also remember you mentioning this problem. You might even look into couples counseling so a neutral third party could help guide you two together. I saw my university's counseling center had that option. Seems quite useful, IMO.
     
    #7 resu, Nov 3, 2014
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