This is a long story, but I'll try to shorten it as I desperately need advice on this. I broke up with my ex around May after we dated for about 3 months, but after that we had sex a few more times. The first few times we had sex after I broke up with him, I told him I still didn't love him and I didn't want to start a relationship again. He said that was fine, and that he didn't mind having just sex (although he now says he doesn't remember agreeing on this). This kept going for about 2 weeks while we were on holiday together, but I always tried to end it. When our holiday was over, he knew I was looking for a new place to live, and he begged me to live in the same house with me. I didn't want to, but finally decided to give it a try (worst mistake in my life). We ended up having sex a few more times, but then I told him I wanted to stop living this life and move on. This has lasted for a month now, and we've never had sex again. Obviously this didn't go well, as he still loves me and believed we could get back together. We've been having arguments almost every day since then, and he acuses me of causing him pain and being unfair. He tells me I never listen to him and that the only thing he asks of me is to give him another chance. But I can't do it. I don't love him and I can't be with him again. I've told him this many times, but he keeps insisting. He says I'm not being fair and reasonable with him, that this is my fault and I'm not assuming my responsibilities, and that I'm not considering his condition and the fact that he's very sensitive (he suffers from depression and anxiety disorder). Every time I go out he wants to know where I go and with whom, and he thinks I just want to have sex with random guys instead of giving him another opportunity, he who loves me and cares about me. He has insulted me and called me a slut, even though he has no reason to say that, because I haven't been out on dates or done anything. I told him I would do that, but haven't yet. Once I spent a night out at a friend's and the next morning he was waiting for me and shouted at me angrily, as if I had done something terrible. I feel like I've been trapped in this situation for far too long, and living in this house with him has become unbearable. I know I'm not a saint and made terrible mistakes (for example having sex with him after I broke up with him), but I never thought it would have these consequences. I never experienced anything like this before in my life. He said I wasn't careful enough with him, but he also didn't make any effort to protect himself and keep a safe distance. I never forced him to do anything, and he knew what he was getting into. It is my fault, but it is his too. I didn't create this situation alone. So now I've told him I will be moving out, that I can't stand this situation anymore, and he's threatened me that he's gonna kill himself if I do that, because he says I'm his life. He also told me he thought of jumping to the middle of the road today. Obviously I was very worried and called his mum to tell her she should talk to him and help him, in case he's really thinking of doing something crazy. I know he's doing this to emotionally blackmail me and make me stay, but I'm afraid he might do something terrible if I move out. This was not the first time I told him I'd thought of moving out, and he begged me to stay and said he'll stop pestering me, but the problem still persists. I can't stand this anymore, but I don't know what to do. I'm still thinking of moving out and he knows it, and it's driving him crazy. But if I don't stop this I'll go mad too. Please help me!
Just lead him to a mental health professional and then tell him to stop contacting you. He's trying to guilt trip you into staying; such people are often very hard to trust in terms of their authenticity. You can't be always the one saving him. Just try to be as firm as possible.
If the relationship is definitely over you both need space from each other to accept what has happened, heal and move on. While you are living together that cannot happen, so you must continue with your plans. If you pull back because he is threatening suicide you will find yourself trapped in an endless cycle of emotional blackmail and manipulation. Frankly that will damage him as much as it will damage you. I'm sure it's very scary when he is making these threats, but suicide is far more complex than you imagine. In most cases, when a person attempts suicide there are multiple issues that lead to the emotional crisis. Some are obvious, others less so. You have now set clearer boundaries in your continuing relationship with him and this has to be another. If you leave and find yourself concerned about his emotional well-being you could ask The Samaritans to make contact with him. You could even share your own concerns with them in confidence. Samaritans | Samaritans
Your priority right now is to protect yourself! Threats of self harm are an attempt to manipulate you. You need to contact a close friend or family member and move in with them. File a complaint with the police of being threatened... I am attaching a video of a women who discusses getting out of a similar situation with her husband... You need to find inner strength and just leave. This is not a healthy relationship. I know this is difficult but right now you are a priority and need to find support and help. Stay safe, and lots of love xxx[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo[/YOUTUBE]
Thank you for all your replies. I told him I've made my decision, and I've been trying to ignore him in order not to argue with him anymore. I have also contacted the Samaritans to see if they can help him (and me as well), and I've been keeping his mum updated regarding the situation. He told me his gonna leave to his parents' home for a month, so I'll take advantage of that time to move out to another place. This whole situation is so complicated and has made me feel so sad. I never thought human beings could be in such a bad state. I hope I'm doing the right thing for all. Many thanks for you help and support, and I'll keep you updated.
Hi again, guys. So now I've got his mum and dad asking me to talk to him and to please stay in this house with him, because it's making their son very ill and suicidal. They said he's lived alone before and that it didn't work, and that they thought we were going on well. I told them today that his son needs professional help and that I can't help him, and my ex told me they were offended with my text and said I don't understand his illnesses and that this is not how I'm supposed to treat people with these conditions. I feel like they're passing this burden to me, as if I had the responsibility to look after him. When they knew we were looking for a house, and knowing their son's condition, I think the least they could have done was to warn me and thoroughly discuss with my ex to decide if him moving out with me was a good idea. I think they could have avoided all this situations for all of us. My ex has also been asking me what are my reasons for wanting to moving out. I told him some reasons, even though I don't need to have reasons to move out, and he said those reasons don't exist anymore and that he can eradicate all the others, and again he asked me to stay. I'm still determined to move out, and he knows I haven't changed my mind, but I've been considering what he said. If he really changes his behaviour and does what he's telling me, I don't really have more reasons to move out, apart from being tired of him and of this whole situation. I feel like I can't move on with my life if I stay here. My fear is that he's trying to give me some peace of mind and comfort so that I continue trapped here, but I can't be sure that that's gonna happen and that he would leave me alone and move on with his life (he's told me today he's gonna start looking for a new relationship). Every time I tell him I'm still moving out next week he goes crazy and doesn't leave me alone, telling me I'm being a monster and not being reasonable with him. He makes me feel like I'm the worst human being in the world, and all my notions of right and wrong are messed up. So should I reconsider and give him another chance? I don't know what to do... :icon_sad:
Whatever you do, do not stay with him just because you feel guilty. You are not a bad person, and most definitely not a monster. If you want to give him another chance, then do it, but not out of guilt. If you love him and you want him back, I see no reason why you shouldn't, but he is not your responsibility, so don't feel like you have to compromise your own happiness for him. This is a pretty tough situation to be in, but you're strong, and I'm sure you'll make it through, whatever your choice will be. Good luck, all my best.
I'm very sorry for the late reply. Thank you for your reply! Well, basically I decided to stay, and things are much better now. It's not perfect, we still fight every now and then (especially if he knows I'm going out on a date or something like that), but at least he's not a problem in my life any longer. I can always ignore him and then things get better again. But once my tenancy contract is over I am definitely moving out without him. Once again, thank you all for all your advice.
Threatening suicide is a common abuse tactic. This sounds like an abuse situation. I myself suffer from the exact same mental issues, and I would still never do something like that. His illness is not an excuse to mistreat you. ---------- Post added 29th Jan 2015 at 11:37 PM ---------- Look from what I know of abusive relationships, this is what is called the 'honeymoon phase' I still don't think this relationship is healthy
