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Feeling very depressed (this is a negative post)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by potofsoup, Nov 6, 2014.

  1. potofsoup

    potofsoup Guest

    Hello friends,

    I felt like sharing my feelings with someone because it has been bothering me lately.

    I think I'm going into depression because I'm not in a relationship (or to put it simply, i do not have a boyfriend).

    A few facts about me:
    -I'm 26 years old now.
    -I have NEVER been in a relationship before.

    Age is catching up on me. And seeing my age, you will understand how desperate I am to be in a relationship. My teenage years has been long gone without any romance. And I don't want the same thing to happen to my youth too.

    Loneliness is taunting me. It has become a habit for me to cry bitterly that I don't have anyone to shower my love upon before going to bed every night.

    Sometimes, out of a sudden, tears start welling up in my eyes because I don't have a partner. I really desire to be in a relationship.

    Whenever I look at couples photos or real-life photos, these thoughts come back and torment to me again. "Why can they be blessed with such a happy relationship but not me?" This is the thought that runs in my mind.

    You might ask "Why don't you go and find someone to date?"

    Answer: I have social anxiety disorder.

    https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety

    This link will help you understand what is social anxiety about. All the symptoms apply to me 100%.

    When I see a guy's profile in a dating website, I have these thoughts automatically coming to me:

    - Will anyone show interest to me?

    - Am I likeable?

    - (Almost 100% of all the guys in dating profiles are good looking) I'm not good-looking at all. Will anyone bother to date me?

    - I don't have friends (thanks to my social anxiety). Will anyone date a loner like me?

    - I behave awkwardly and very shy and self-conscious in public. Who would want to date a guy like that?

    -(I tend to smile awkwardly in public due to anxiety and talk really softly.) Who wants a person with such flaws?

    Immediately, I stop thinking of dating people and tell myself "Don't have unnecessary desires, nobody is going to be interested in a problematic guy like you."

    Do you think a guy like me can still get a boyfriend? What do you think I can do to improve this upsetting situation?

    PS: My apologies for this long post.
    Editted: Will you be interested in such a person?
     
    #1 potofsoup, Nov 6, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2014
  2. Damien

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    You sound nice to me. I would date you, certainly. Although you would want someone younger, but just saying. :slight_smile:

    The pain of loneliness, I have seen so many threads here on ec, with folks expressing similar sentiments. Myself, usually I find it hard to go to bed. I avoid it, because I so much long to have someone to hold, and night after night for years, there is no-one. I usually stay up, distract myself with a movie, until I am so tired my eyes begin to droop and I cannot stay awake anymore. Believe me, lots of folks here know just how you feel! It hurts bad. But you have an advantage: you are still young. Time is on your side.

    A social outcast like myself can hardly give much advice to you, just wanted to say that you must not apologize for yourself. Your post was not 'negative', it was honest and moving. This is what we are all here for, to support each other. It's what this site is for.

    Andy. (*hug*)
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    First of all, don't apologise for the length or content of your posting. I'm pleased you were able to share some of what you are feeling with us. When you are struggling with loneliness and anxiety it can be soul destroying.

    I was a little bit younger than you when I came out and dated for the first time, but I was well past my teenage years. I would say my first meaningful relationship came when I was about your age, but my best relationship came when I was older. It was worth the wait! If you look on this forum, you will find other members who have their first relationship much later in life too, so try not to get too caught up in the idea that everyone, except you, has succeeded in finding someone to date and love. Sometimes our feelings seem real, but it's actually a distorted reality.

    Even though Empty Closets is a support forum, there is a social aspect to our conversations too and I've noticed you participating in different threads in the chat and support area. You've managed to rack up almost 100 postings in a few short weeks, so that's a positive sign of someone who wants to interact and connect with like minded people. If you have any inhibitions about talking to us on EC, I haven't noticed it yet and that's a good thing.

    If you are a member of other sites (for friendship/dating) do you participate in the same way? I ask this because there really is no magic or vastly different formula, all you need to do is show the same friendliness towards people as you've demonstrated on here and people will show an interest. I know Empty Closets is a nice, safe place with good moderation, but the basic principles for making friends and finding dates online are the same. Strike up a conversation and take it from there.

    Genuine people value and respect honesty in relationships and when it comes to friendship and dating the only people you want to meet are genuine people. So don't be afraid to admit that you are shy or anxious. A genuine person will not hold it against you or push you into things that will wreck your confidence - in fact, they may be attracted to your shyness, especially if they are a little bit shy themselves.

    The main point I'm making is that you should not lose hope or give up on the idea of happiness. It's absolutely not the case that everyone in a relationship is socially adept and brimming with confidence.

    (*hug*)
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Adding to the above posts, just keep in mind, it only takes one person to be THAT person. Keep your head up, take baby steps, I really do believe there is someone out there for everyone.
     
  5. Missy

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    Hi!
    Like mentioned above, I really think there is someone for everybody, when it is the right time.
    You said you have social anxiety. Now when you are single it is a good time for you to heal and feel more strong inside. Maybe it´s meant for you to find the right person when you feel stronger inside? Do you have contact with a therapist about your anxiety?
    I am a bit in the same shoes as you. I am also single and haven´t found the right person for me. I also have a lot of anxiety, and have many fears to work with and try to think that maybe the right one will come when I am a bit stronger inside?
    Good luck finding love and joy:slight_smile:
     
  6. bicomplicated

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    It is never too late to find love. Yes you are in your mid twenties. But you are still young. A good friend of mine expressed the same fear. He said that he felt like he would never find the right guy to be in a relationship with. But he just got a boyfriend, and he is exactly your age. It will happen. I am not an extremely social person either, though I don't think I exactly have social anxiety... just not as social as some. But I can somewhat understand. It's hard to meet people when you are shy. But just make the effort and the right person will come along eventually. Best of luck!
     
  7. resu

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    This is a positive post. I am going to be 26 next month, and I have never dated, never even kissed anyone. Well, I went on a semi-date for coffee with this female grad student, but I was a blockhead and didn't realize it until later when she called me for a one-on-one dinner... So, basically my opinion is that you should never go into a relationship because you're unhappy because only you can make yourself happy.

    You still have three fourths of your life (theoretically) to find a nice person. My counselor said that she has a 70 year old female friend who met an equally elderly man and said that was the best sex she ever experienced.

    I also have social anxiety, so my advice is to start small and try to hang out with one person even just for coffee or something simple like a board game. Don't sweat it.
     
  8. sofie

    sofie Guest

    The social anxiety I can relate too, with a positive twist. I have suffered from it for as long as I can remember. When I was 14 I started getting panic attacks and such. However, I now feel much better after therapy and simply talking to people with the same difficulties.

    I think that you being single might, as previous answers suggested, be a good thing at this very moment. In my experience you need to love yourself before someone else can, sounds like a cliche, I know, but there is truth in it. Try and talk to someone about your anxiety so that you can get help with it and I promise everything else will work out as you get along.

    Social anxiety is a bitch to live with but it is manageable with the right tools. If you need to talk I'm here for you :slight_smile:
     
  9. ithinkiamgay

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    Hi friend!! :slight_smile:

    I definitely think you can get a boy friend of your choice.
    There's effort that needs to go into this though.

    You say you're not likable.
    Can you figure out why?
    I'm not asking you to state it if you don't want to.
    But find out for yourself as to why you think so.
    There should be a reason somewhere.
    Could be physical looks, self confidence, etc. What is it?

    Work on that aspect.
    Do follow the medication stated for social anxiety, but along with that, work on what you think is lacking in you.
    You're 26 right?
    Take a year off.
    So stay without any love/boy friend/friend/support, hold onto yourself this one year and work on your negatives from your heart.
    Do it well determined.
    For example, for me, I feel I wish I had those bicep cuts on my arms, I like those.
    And I feel nice about myself when I have those.
    So i'm working on that while I write to you.
    I dunno how successful I'd be, but I'd be closer to it at least.


    You're just 26.
    Don't assume that how life is right now is how its going to be throughout.
    Not at all.
    Just as good times don't last forever, bad times don't either.
    Guess I'm preaching now :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    I seem to have a preaching problem these days.
    See?
    So i'm going to work on that next now :wink:


    And yeah, as stated by many, I'm here if you wanna talk about this.
    I cannot make you my boy friend, but I think friendship should help sail your boat for now? :slight_smile:
     
  10. bornthiswaybby

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    I didn't read everyone else's responses so I apologize if I repeat some things...

    I'm not a doctor, I'm not a psychologist, but by the way you're speaking about yourself, you could very well be depressed. If this is the case, and even with social anxiety (I suffer from it so I can relate), seeing a doctor is so important. Once you get help, you'll begin seeing everything gradually get better and things will gradually become easier.

    I assume that the thought of meeting a guy in person from online terrifies you. Not because of the threat he could potentially pose, but because of the fear of judgment and rejection... If I could offer advice that I learned in therapy... Try and think realistically about the situation. Rejection is possible, but so is being liked. If you face rejection, what is the huge issue? People are rejected all the time and it will not stop you from finding a guy. On to the next one. Rejection will not make you a worse person, it just means you're one step closer to finding your dream guy.

    I can understand how being single is upsetting, but please remember that you are worth a boyfriend and I'm sure anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.

    But I should point out, that searching for a relationship when you feel so badly about yourself can really be harmful. I got my first boyfriend when I was consumed with self hate. When I was with him, I felt happier. However, once he left, I spiraled into a depression and anxiety filled state that I have never in my life experienced, and I'm recovering right now. It's been over a month since we've broken up. I'm still emotionally fractured and we only dated for a month.

    My best advice would be to seek out medical assistance, whether it be a psychologist or family doctor. Once you're feeling mentally in control and not so anxious, then dating will likely come unbelievably easy. Feel better.

    Oh, also, I would totally date someone who had issues like this. But I would only stay with them if they would get help. It's so important to take care of yourself.

    CHEER UP :slight_smile:
     
  11. PalestrinaMX

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    I know how you feel. When I was in high school I always dreamed of having the high school romance, but unfortunately it didn't happen. Not much advice I can give you since I am right there with you. Just know that you're not alone in this.
     
  12. potofsoup

    potofsoup Guest

    Thank you very much for your replies friends :slight_smile:

    Damien, PatrickUK, USxUK, Missy, bicomplicated, resu, sofie, ithinkiamgay, bornthiswaybby and PalestrinaMX, your words really have a postive impact on me. :slight_smile:

    I have realized I have to work on improving myself before I venture out to find my soulmate. :slight_smile:

    I have also understood that I'm still able to be in a relationship despite having some issues.

    I'm feeling much better and positive now. :slight_smile:

    Thank you guys once again. :slight_smile:
     
  13. potofsoup

    potofsoup Guest

    I would love to be friends with you :slight_smile: But there isn't the option in your profile. Can you add me as friend? :slight_smile: