So the last few weeks I have been trying to finally make some gay friends outside my therapy group. I ended up meeting a guy who just moved into my building for coffee yesterday. I've been purely focused on friendship, I am up front with that. I keep thinking to myself it will be good to have a support network first. This meeting felt a lot more date-like than I imagined. And to be completely honest, I find the guy attractive so it really was nice to have someone seem genuinely interested in me. We ended up talking for several hours and even went for a walk after the coffee shop closed. No hugs or anything like that, just the little bit of flirting across the table. I guess I am just struggling still to figure out this "making gay friends" thing. That and the fact that I have no experience at anything related to dating or sex makes me wonder how much my judgement could be clouded by years of pent up sexual and emotional frustration. Can I just be friends with a guy I am attracted to? I think we'll hang out again. I've offered to play tour guide because he is new to the city. He's offered to teach me to drive a manual. He seems like a genuinely sweet guy. I guess this is just a part of the whole awkward process. I'll just have to take it as it comes. Overall, I am really happy about whatever yesterday was. It felt good. He did text me afterward saying he had a good time. But then he also texted me about midnight saying he was tipsy and wanted to go for a walk. I didn't respond to that until this morning. I wasn't comfortable with that. Any advice on this going forward? Am I approaching this from a healthy perspective?
Know him more he might just want to get in your pants so tell him what you really want that you are just friends so it will be clear for both of you
I did say that I wasn't ready for a relationship/sex and would probably never be into FWB etc. That I am working on building up my support network. That's something I make clear from the beginning. I didn't mention that my therapist at this point is talking to me about being open to the possibility of a relationship evolving as I start to make more friends in the gay community. He feels like I have made enough progress with my intrapersonal to be ready for something if it does come along.
I think you're going about it the right way. Just realize that he might not want to be just friends, or even friends. He could just want to get some. It's a little too early to tell at this point. As far as the walk, I see two likely possibilities: 1) He likes you and just wanted to see you again 2) He was horny I'm not trying to scare you, but just offer some different views from things I've experienced. I think he probably likes you a little at least. I wouldn't completely shut down the possibility of a relationship if you do like him as well. I guess my main advice is don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.
The one caveat I would make to the advice that has already been given is that it is possible that he would be interested in sleeping with you if that was your desire but will also be alright with being friends. There are a lot of guys out there for whom sex isn't a big deal and while you probably want your life partner and you to have similar views on sex I think it's a bit unreasonable to expect that all your friends will. If you have made it clear that you are interested in being friends and he seemed alright with it don't jump to conclusions that he isn't. Is it possible that the meetup/date went well enough that he decided to test the waters about sex again? Yeah, that's possible. Does that mean that's all he's interested in? Absolutely not. To be honest, given how you set up the initial meet it seems unlikely he would have gone if that was all he was looking for. A lot of gay guys will suggest sex the way you might suggest going to the movies--it's an option, but not a deal breaker. If you don't want to "go to the movies" suggest something else...
