After I made to myself the promise not to get into a relationship again, I just got into one recently, about 3 weeks ago. As some of you know, my partner (7 years together) died a year ago. I also have a minor heart condition and the doctors advice of "taking it easy". I'm living a very quiet life, mostly dedicated to my daily job and a few hobbies, and keeping the social part at a minimum, because I'm afraid of "getting into troubles again", and partly because I don't mind being on my own. In spite of all my efforts, I just met a man. I'm a very private person, and I don't like things I can't understand fully. He seems to like me a lot, or at least that is what he says. I even came out to him, and he seems to accept me as I am. He even wrote beautiful words to tell me this. Even if I don't trust him at all and I keep alert at all times, I'm afraid he might mean it. To me it would be great if I catched him lying to me. There is a part of me that wants to get out of this relationship as fast as I can. A part of me that wants or needs to feel dissapointed, and so I'll be free to go back to my normal, safe world. The point is that everytime we are together, he can convince me that he meants it. He even told me the "magic three words". I can't understand how you can tell a stranger those words so quickly. He mentioned the future more than once. He won't spare a compliment or a kind, nice word to me. I keep wondering what on earth does he want from me. He is financially way better than me. He doesn't seem to be crazy about sex. I suspect he is probably using me to make other females jealous, but I am a very poor choice due to my looks, and he could buy himself someone to play that part if he wanted. We are both very liberal about sex, and I told him I wouldn't be sexually jealous, so I can't understand why he doesn't tell me he is probably rolling in someone else's bed... Or at least that it is on his mind. I want him, but I'm scared. Once he told me he feels scared that I go away. I had to reassure him, I won't go away. I don't want to lose him, yet I don't feel ready to expose myself to unnecesary pain. This situation is starting to get serious : It had an impact on my job, and very specially on my nerves. We had our first fight, and I felt at the edge of a cliff... I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than to live through something like that again. I don't have that much energy anymore :icon_sad: I know I'm a fool... I've always been a fool when dealing with relationships... I'm afraid I'll only hurt him and myself if we carry on with this, but I don't want him to go away, we are getting along really well when we are together. I'd miss him like hell. I can't decide what's best... :help:
seems to me you still need time to heal from your previous relationship. but also love is a risk. we put our heart on the line when we commit ourselves to someone else. it can be a great catastrophe or a marvelous miracle. but you wont know unless you give it a try. and that might be what your afraid of. the uncertainty. idk. I hope the best for you
The problem is that I'm not sure I want to try anything at all. I'm in no need for "marvelous miracles", and to go through another "great catastrophe" by my own will is out of the question. I'd rather smash my head on a wall... I just feel trapped on a situation I wasn't looking for. Everybody is telling me to keep calm, "take it easy" and carry on. I'm not sure I want to invest my time and my energy on a relationship that probably is just another mistake, and I don't think it'll be right for him to suffer all my grief and the rest, he sure deserves something much better/ happier. Still I enjoy his company and his sense of humor, and sure I'll miss him if he goes away, so it is not easy to break the relationship and do as if nothing had happened. Thanks, you are probably right, I'm not over the last relationship yet, but I don't think I have the luxury of time here... Plus I have no idea about how to "get over it", probably I never will.
