Ok.... I haven't posted on here in a while. I guess I'm coming here to ask some advice about a relationship I am in, since due to coming out issues, a lot of my usual support isn't going to be very responsive to this one... 1. Because it deals with my boyfriend and 2. Because it is a very weird situation. Ok, in the beginning, I have been dating a guy for a few months and we are getting along really well. We are both great support for each other with coming out, we both have extremely similar interests, and we both talk long into the night with each other every night. We have shared secrets with each other and both have emotional intimacy that we have never had with anyone else. The problem comes with physical things... I weigh about 190 pounds. I used to be 230, but I lost 40 pounds while in college and am very comfortable with this weight. Most guys still think that I am too fat, though... My boyfriend, however, seems to think quite the opposite. I've known all along that he likes large guys... call it a fetish or a preference or whatever... He always claimed to have liked my appearance as well, though. He mentioned off handedly that he wants to someday gain a bunch of weight (like 150 pounds) and "be fat" with his partner. This was a bit of a turn off for me, but I figure that I am an emotional person, more than a physical one. I don't know if it would truly disgust me or anything. Then, out of the blue, he told me that he fantasizes about me all of time. I was honored, but then he told me that it was me as a "fat man." He said that he wants me to gain weight...50 pounds... 70 pounds...100 pounds with him. He says it is the only way that he can truly be attracted to me. When I admitted that I might someday gain back some weight, but had no desire to gain more than 50 pounds...he got quite upset. HE claimed I was being insensitive to him and asking him to hide his true self... his sexual desires. He says that it is as hard-wired into him as much as being gay is and that I need to accept that. The thing is that I do accept that. It is what attracts him and if he wants to get bigger himself more power to him... but I don't think it is right to ask me to do the same. I am happy with my weight. I would like to eventually let myself go a bit, but I want to be healthy, as well. He still claims he is attracted to me and wants to try things out, but suddenly it has turned into a part of every conversation we have. In bed, he will tell me "damn, I wish you were fatter." It is sort of ruining my self-esteem in some sort of strange way. I've told him about it, and he gets very defensive that I am not letting him be himself. So what are your thoughts? The sad thing is that we both had emotional intimacy. Currently, we have physical intimacy... but it is the threat of future physical intimacy that is leading to our problems.
Well how about you do try it losing weight and going to the gym at first you think that your bf just forced it but in the long run it will help you and your relationship
50 extra pounds could have dire health consequences in the future. Youre still relatively young, but in my opinion we're talking about your life. I personally couldnt put a relationship ahead of my health over something like attraction.
Thanks for responding... See, that's sort of what I am thinking about as well. I am healthy now, but I have a history of heart disease and diabetes in my family. I feel as if gaining that much might be a bit like testing my fate.... I just don't want to break up with him over this. Perhaps I should just keep going as is, and if it is truly that important to him, he can be the one to break up with me? It isn't really my issue, right? This just sucks so much... What did I do to piss off the gods to have something like this suddenly appear... Ruining an otherwise great relationship
Hmm, honestly...he's being very selfish n shallow. He's not loving you for who you are but who he wants you to be. I'd never ask my girlfriend to change her appearance for me. I love her as she is. She does hope to lose more weight and I will totally back her goals, still loving her regardless of size. I know you love this guy but he's not healthy for you....for him its all bout what he wants. He wants to be a fat man with a fat boyfriend....what do you want?
Yeah, that's not a reasonable request. He either likes you for who you are (and who you want to be) or he doesn't like you at all. Absolutely do not throw away all the progress you've made and jeopardize your health to fit a mold that somebody else wants to see you in.
Firstly, I would say he has no right whatsoever to ask you to gain weight for your relationship to work. I think it shows a lack of respect towards you if he is requiring... Secondly, since I am a health care professional, I just have to insist that you do not follow his recommendation. You should always try to maintain a healthy weight, otherwise you are increasing your risk of diabetes, cardiovascular problems, and even cancer... So follow what you really want to do, and do not succumb to his pressure!
Sorry :/ ... maybe your strategy is best. He sounds like he may pressure you a bit ... if you can endure through that I'd agree that its best to let him make the decision about whether or not the relationship will continue.
Thanks for all of your responses... It kind of makes me feel better, since it kind of confirms to me that I am not being completely unreasonable... It is my body after all. If I was dating a super skinny guy who told me I needed to drop 50 pounds, I wouldn't be able to do it... The same should be true in this situation. At the same time, this is all making me feel worse. Like this is hopeless all of a sudden... I don't want it to be so. I have gone through quite a few throw away relationships... It was so nice being in one where I truly felt like I had a partner. Now that possibility seems to be floating away over something I cannot change.
I agree with the others here - it is not reasonable for you to do what this guy wants and could have various negative consequences. Accepting his desire to gain weight or be with a heavy person is not the same as changing yourself to fit his particular desire. His attempt to conflate acceptance of being gay with this is just a crude attempt to manipulate you into giving in to him. As far as letting him make the decision to break up with you - while I understand your reasoning, I don't entirely agree with it. While I'm not going to tell you to break up with him - I am going to advise you to put your foot down and state in clear and totally unambiguous terms that you are not going to gain a bunch of extra weight just to make him or anyone else happy. It isn't what you want, it isn't healthy, and you're not going to do it. He can accept that or not, his choice. You need to set boundaries and he needs to respect them. Because right now he's both violating yours and frankly being either mean or emotionally abusive, depending on just how much and how often he's taking shots at you over this issue. We've talked a few times before, I believe, and I'm sorry you are running into this issue with this guy (*hug*). Please don't give up - there is someone out there for you who will love and accept you the way you are. Todd
Thanks again everyone and it was nice to hear from you again Todd. We just had a long conversation about it and we broke up. I had been making huge leaps with everything the past few months. Now everything just seems shattered. I'm not going to meet anyone's needs physically. I'm either too fat or too skinny. Just **** it all. I am just done... done... done... I really do not care anymore. I'm such an idiot
Don't say that! It's this other guy that has the problem, not you. Think about what you're saying -- you're not worthwhile because you're trying to get healthier? That makes no sense whatsoever. There are other people out there who will appreciate you for who you are, not try to change you into some sick fetish. And for the record, there's going to be a lot more people attracted to you at a healthy weight than there will be if you tried to add 50 pounds.
No, you're not an idiot and you certainly will meet someone's needs physically. But you need to be true to yourself first of all, and this guy didn't want that for you. I know it hurts right now - but think about what you just said: you've made huge leaps with everything in the past few months. That's a really great thing and that's something you did through your efforts and your will. And none of that goes away because you refused to remake yourself for the sake of someone else's sexual fetish. As far as your weight - you yourself said that you'd lost a lot of weight for the sake of your health and happiness and that before this guy started raising this issue you were pretty happy with what you'd achieved and where you were going. All those achievements, be they around your health and weight or other things - are still there and they are still positive. You don't have the problem here, the other guy did. Take some time, let the emotions flow and flow way, cry if you need to. This too shall pass. But don't throw away or devalue your own successes because someone else didn't want to appreciate them. You deserve better than that, and eventually you will find a guy who will give you better than that. Take care (*hug*) Todd
