I've been with my girlfriend for a little over a year now, and though that may not seem like a long time, I really felt like we were soulmates. We clicked on every possible level. She was the first person I was ever intimate with. Everything was perfect as perfect could be. However, once we started renting a duplex with her best friend and sister, things quickly went downhill. We started fighting almost every day, and her best friend would constantly set up "house meetings" to discuss what everyone's (my) responsibilities were. First, it was reasonable stuff, like me not picking up after myself or helping out with the chores, but even after I began to do what she asked, nothing changed. My girlfriend was constantly talking to her friend about our relationship rather than me, whereas when I tried to talk to her, I was given short responses or "Well, I don't know what you want me to say". I moved away from my family and friends to be with her, and don't really know anyone in our town who I am close enough to discuss personal things with, and often feel like an outsider in my own home. We've lost all intimacy in our relationship, and it's been almost a month and a half since we've had sex, though not for lack of me trying. I've suffered from depression and anxiety pretty much my entire life, and I was in and out of mental hospitals up until 2012 with suicidal ideation, so it's difficult for me to respond to things with what is considered to be "appropriate" reactions. When we fight, even over little things, I often end up in tears or, if it's something more major, I end up having an anxiety attack. I've tried to explain my illnesses to her before, but she never really listens or tries to understand. She's even accused me of using them as an excuse. Money has been pretty tight with us, but I always try to pay for food or other things for her when I have the extra money, as did she, but in one of our more recent fights, she accused me of never paying for anything and threatened to not pay for anything for me ever again. I'm staying with my mom and step-dad for a few days to get some fresh air, and this morning I called my girlfriend before she had to go to work to tell her that I loved and missed her. We talked about a few things very briefly with long awkward pauses in between. This went on for about five minutes before I told her I was just going to get off the phone because we weren't really talking. Once more I got "I don't know what you want me to say". I calmly explained that I said "we" and not "you", and then we said our "I-Love-And-Miss-You"s and hung up. Right after, she texted me asking if something was up. I texted back that I didn't know what she meant. She replied that something felt off, that we felt off. I told her that I knew that, and have known it for a while, which was why I decided to stay with my parents for a few days. She said she knew that, but doesn't know how to fix it. I've made every attempt to voice this exact issue to her for the last few weeks at least, but for some reason, it took me not being there for her to finally wake up and see it. I told my mom about it and showed her the texts, and she feels that my girlfriend is trying to control me, and the fact that she's now seeing that I can leave is freaking her out. I don't know if that's exactly what it is, but I can't seem to think of another explanation for why she is suddenly aware of our faltering relationship. I've tried to do everything in my power to fix our relationship, but every day it just seems more and more beyond repair. I would love nothing more than to have the fun-loving, good-humored girl I fell in love with back, but I'm not sure if she even exists anymore. If anyone has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.
First, please look after your wellbeing and seek professional help if necessary. Maybe even counseling is available for the two of you. As you describe it, things changed when she was in an environment where she was more together with her friend and sister, instead of concentrating on your partnership. Well the partnership should be between the two of you... meaning you two should make things out between you, maybe with some outside view but not the majority of influence... What about making a slow approach again, where you stay where you are ? And possibly getting to a place where you two are more on your own later ? Or do you have the feeling she is more like how you saw the last few months ?
I am in the process of finding a therapist for myself now that I have healthcare to work on my depression/anxiety. Having had these issues for so long, I know that I have to put myself first when it comes to those things. I've thought about couples counseling, but she is not very open with her feelings with me, let alone with someone she doesn't even know. It's difficult because I want so badly to work through these things with her, bu it doesn't seem that she's willing to try at this point, and that's what has me feeling so defeated. I come from a family who is very open about their feelings, but her family is more closed off. I've tried to be understanding of this, as I would want her to do the same with me, but it's come to a point where there's just not enough communication in our relationship, and that's where most of our problems are stemming from. I've tried to get her to open up to me, but I don't want to seem like I'm forcing her to talk when she doesn't want to. It's a constant frustration. On the topic of us possibly living on our own down the road, we've discussed it multiple times, but our lease isn't up until July, and I just don't know if we can hold out that long. I mean, our landlord doesn't really manage the place very well, so there are definitely ways that we could get out of our lease, but I know our roommates wouldn't go for it.
hmmm im so sorry to hear what your going through but idk what to do about it because i never dated a girl before sorry
I think sometimes some people need a kind of "jolt" to wake up and realize that there are issues afoot. Maybe you going away for a couple of days will help her to see that things aren't okay, and through your absence she will be able to recognize the dynamics in play in your apartment. Maybe it would be good to meet in some public, neutral place in order to talk things out without either of you feeling uncomfortable. Best of luck, I hope things work out for the best for you. Keep your chin up!
