I am finally fully out as of not too long ago. I have met some great people, but have spent so long constructing wall upon wall to hide emotions and who I am...I am not entirely sure who I am or how to engage with other humans on a romantic level. I have been in a few *serious relationships* (They were with woman, and were serious. I broke them off when it started to go to the very serious level because I couldn't bring myself to continue lying to people I had grown so much to care about.) Now that I can breathe about being who I am, I am completely clueless how to be with somebody on an intimate level. I actually had a guy (I have mentioned him in other forums, great guy) ask me if I want to date...and I couldn't give him a straight answer. I have been on my own for so long, I feel like I am already a complete person standing alone. The thought of someone getting to know me as more than just a friend is...nauseating is the word I want to use, I think. Don't get me wrong, I really do want to let someone in, but now with it as an actual possibility, I find myself shutting down and blocking myself in again. I stare at his text messages and find it difficult to bring myself to respond, even if its just a "Hey, how was your day?" text. :tears::help:
I can relate to this. I'm convinced I don't need anyone. Probably because I identify with your situation, I have no idea what to say, sorry :icon_redf... You don't seem to me as if you are suffering, and you want to break the walls for yourself. It looks more as if you are afraid of other's judgement, and you feel forced to say excuses you don't really believe in. I don't think you should be ashamed of feeling ok when you are on your own. You said you feel complete, and that is great. Many people spend their lives inside unhappy relationships because of the fear of being alone : They just can't stand themselves. What is not a good idea is "to give in" to please others or to avoid making them feel dissapointed. I think that would only be a massive time waster for both parties : Sooner or later they'll notice you are not really that interested, and you'll end up building a higher wall because after all you'll feel dissapointed too. Give yourself enough time to feel comfortable with another person, don't try to rush things to please them. There should be no rules set on stone about friendships or relationships, except mutual respect. That includes respecting the other's limits and private space. There is a lot of insecure people out there, and also dependent. Their egos need their regular "kicks" of sms, emails and whatnot filled by empty words. We were not born to please that people, I think... Here... (*hug*) You are not the only one who has "a wall". Relax, it's ok...
Thanks, I actually had a heart to heart with someone very close to me (A woman I work with that I found out had a very large crush on me, I was apparently the ONLY one that didn't know). she pointed out to me my biggest personal flaw (other than being overly analytically critical of every situation) is that I lack self-confidence and I have absolutely no reason to. we had a small argument about it, I feel I am a solid 6 on my good days and she laughed and said "Honey you are a 9 on your bad days, when you were overweight (lost about 100lbs in the last year) you were a 6-7. And I did still want to have your babies then mind you". Hearing it from someone else helps put it in perspective I guess, I just need to figure out how to get out of my head and enjoy life and embrace the idea that it is ok to let someone inside the fortress, and who knows one day I may find the man that I will wake up to the rest of my life.
Have you tried any sorts of counselling/ therapies? Low self esteem and low confidence seem to be the issues here and a therapeutic approach might produce results in this area of your life and other areas too?
I live in a VERY small town, and unfortunately therapy is not readily available...I am moving soon so maybe the move will do me some good. Is online therapy a thing? Never really thought about it/looked into it.
I kind of understand where you're coming from. My partner recently passed away. I thought I was dealing with it pretty well until I realized how many walls I constructed around myself to keep my emotions safe. Someone would tell me they were sorry for my loss and I had my "strong, keeping the faith" script down pat. But as time wore on I realized I was just acting a part. I wasn't myself anymore. Its hard to take down those walls because, as you said, we aren't sure what lies behind them anymore. I just now have begun to bring those walls down, but I feel incredibly vulnerable. Like you, I have no idea how to be intimate anymore. I just tell myself to be friendly and open and let the other people worry about the intimacy part if they're interested. I'm not sure there really is any way to bring the walls down but to try not to lie to yourself about anything. Its the lies that act as the bricks in the walls.
Wow, thank you Kaiken, that is incredibly insightful and I never really thought about it like that. I do find that it is relaxing to have someone that I have never had to lie to, nor feel the urge to do so. (When I was in high school/college I was incredibly good at lying, not just about my sexuality, but everything, came up with all kinds of stories that I made believable, just for the sake of lying almost). I may just go for it and see what happens, I'll definitely sit him down and have a heart to heart about my concerns and...lack of knowledge I guess. Heres hoping
