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Boyfriend cheated with someone almost 40 years older

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by EMF49, Nov 11, 2014.

  1. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    My boyfriend and I were together for almost a year. Throughout this time, and for a couple years before, he had a "friendship" with a 65-year-old man (my boyfriend was 28) and he would go over to this man's house on weekends to help him out with chores and get paid. They would also go on trips together and overall spend a lot of time together.

    During my relationship with my boyfriend, I always had my doubts and suspicions, but never actually thought my boyfriend would do anything sexual with someone almost old enough to be his grandfather. That is, until one day, when I was at my bf's apartment and he was in the shower, and received a text from this older gentleman. Curiosity got the better of me - I looked at the text. It was innocent enough, but I happened to see a text from a few days earlier that implied they had been doing sexual things together. After confronting my boyfriend about it, it turns out he had been allowing this man to give him BJ's for over a year prior to dating me, and continued allowing it within the first few months of our relationship. He tried to assure me that he stopped allowing it to happen about three months into our relationship, but I have a strong feeling it continued to happen long after that.

    Needless to say, I broke up with him. I had brought up my suspicions to him many times about this older gentleman, but my boyfriend would constantly assure me nothing was happening and that he was repulsed by the idea.

    I broke up with him a week ago now, but the pain is still very fresh and I'm having a tough time processing this. I just find it very upsetting and disgusting that my boyfriend would cheat on me with someone almost old enough to be his grandfather, and that he lied to me about it constantly during our relationship.

    So I have a question - is this normal behavior? Are there a lot of gay guys out there who are so desperate to receive head that they don't care who gives it or who they hurt in the process? Forgive me... I'm still fairly new to being gay - it hasn't even been two years since I've been fully out, and this was my first serious gay relationship. It just has left me kind of scarred and wondering if a majority of gay guys out there are like this. Please help. Thanks.
     
  2. resu

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    I'm sorry about that, but you should remember that his relationship with that guy is anything but normal. I read a recent article which showed divorces between couples with age gaps greatly increases when the gap is beyond 5-10 years, and is 127% more likely for those with a 30 year difference than those who are the same age.

    So, I think you should just write off this ex-boyfriend as someone who's in for a lot of hurt when that "gay crocodile" starts to bite. Don't worry. Keep your head high. It can be hard finding guys (gay or straight) who aren't shallow, but they are out there! Just look at all the happy couples who came out of the woodwork to marry in various US states! Some of them you wouldn't even guess they were gay because they look like old friends or buddies.
     
  3. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    Thanks for the reply.

    I don't necessarily think they are a "couple" or have any intention to be - from what my ex bf told me, it was a purely sexual relationship. Which is almost even more disturbing to me in a way. He never gave the impression that he was attracted to men in their 60's, or wanted any kind of lasting relationship with one, which made it all the more confusing to me why he would allow this man to give him BJ's for so long (though I'm not sure if that's all that happened between them...despite my boyfriend saying it was, I kind of doubt that it was)

    I guess it just made me feel very low and bad about myself, that apparently I wasn't sexually satisfying enough for him, if he felt the need to continue to get BJ's from someone 40 years older than me.
     
    #3 EMF49, Nov 11, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2014
  4. OnTheHighway

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    The last thing you should do is feel bad for your self. Some people have sexual appetites that are simply unsatisfiable. Guys being guys, seems to be quite a few in the gay community. Before I came out, I had never even heard the concept of an open relationship, where two partners agree to allow each other to have sex outside the relationship. In the gay community, that seems to be a relatively accepted concept (to be clear, not one I subscribe to).

    Brush this one off to experience, nothing more.
     
  5. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    What hurts me the most though is that he let our relationship go on for almost a year, and continued to lie repeatedly to me and deny that anything sexual was happening with this 65-year-old man. It's one thing to cheat, but to constantly look me in the eyes and assure me I had nothing to worry about? That's what gets to me, and makes me very nervous moving forward, wondering if there are a lot of other guys out there who would do the same and continuously lie to someone just in order to fulfill some kind of weird sexual urge/fetish.
     
  6. resu

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    He wanted the best of both worlds, and you should not spend your time trying to rationalize the irrational. Just demand honesty, even if that honesty means you might get hurt.
     
  7. Lexington

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    The thing that sticks out here to me is the continual harping on the other guy's age. You've brought it up in every post, and in the last one, you call it a "sexual urge/fetish". In other words, I don't get a sense of betrayal ("I can't believe he cheated on me") so much as a sense of...uncleanliness? ("I can't believe I was in a relationship with somebody that messed up.") Mind you, nothing about your posts suggests the guy was specifically INTO older guys. He just happened to have developed a sexual relationship with one.

    I'm not saying you were wrong for dumping him - cheating with anybody of whatever age is always grounds for that. But I guess I'm curious how you'd feel if the guy he was getting head from was 30 years old. Would you still be asking "Are there a lot of gay guys out there who are so desperate to receive head that they don't care who gives it or who they hurt in the process?" Or would you think "Hey, that guy was pretty hot - I can see that"?

    Lex
     
  8. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    Well I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I feel as though most people out there, gay or straight, would not typically become sexually involved with someone almost 40 years their senior. It's not something I'm used to seeing, I have never known anybody in any kind of relationship - sexual, romantic, whatever - with that big of an age gap.

    I don't mean to sound shallow, but I almost would understand it better if he cheated on me with someone who was at least his own age (but, as it turns out, he did that as well)
     
  9. Lexington

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    From my perspective, it would seem that gay men ARE more likely to get involved in age-gap relationships. It's not necessarily all that common, and I don't necessarily think it's specifically a "thing", either. My personal viewpoint goes something like this (and I'll keep things solely on homosexual men, simply because that's where most of my experience is):

    At some point, gay men realize "they're not like normal guys". They like something that most guys don't - sex with other men. And I think for many of them, fully coming to grips with this is somewhat liberating. Because they think "well, no, most guys don't like this sort of thing, but I do. And it's OK that I do. And I'm just going to go and do it, and enjoy it." And for many, that sense of liberation can expand outward. They might realize they have "kinks" or otherwise off-the-norm sexual interests. And it's been my experience that gay men are more likely to explore these. Not (in my opinion) because "gay men are more likely to have kinks", but because they've already been liberated from thinking "I shouldn't do this - it's not natural/normal". I think they're more likely to say "Well, I tried the 'gay' thing, and it worked out great. Maybe I should try this, too." So they might try getting tied up, or wearing costumes to bed, or having sex outside, or whatever else they're thinking about.

    Again, I don't think your ex necessarily has a thing for old guys. But I think, as a gay man, he's somewhat freer of the shackles of the "this isn't done" mindset. So when the old guy propositioned him (as I'm assuming happened), instead of saying "No - that's weird", he thought it over and thought "hell, why not - let's see what happens". And he apparently liked it enough to keep going.

    Again, that's both my take on things, as well as a semi-educated guess on what went down. For all I know, he IS into older guys. But given that, it seems strange he'd then get into a relationship with you, especially since he already had the old guy on the side, as it were.

    Lex
     
  10. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    Thanks Lex - what you said makes sense, but I'm not really sure if it applies to my ex. When he first started up this sexual relationship with this guy, he had just recently discovered his sexuality and realized he was gay. I do find it strange that (from what I assume) this old guy was the first male he had sexual contact with. My ex was still in the very early stages of exploring his sexuality. According to my ex when I confronted him about this, the old guy had asked him if he could give him a BJ, and my ex said yes. And I guess that's where he and I differ quite a bit - if it were me, and I was just starting to explore my sexuality, the first (or one of the first) guys I hook up with would not be a 65 year old man. That's why, to me, it seemed like a rather desperate move, because again, from what I understand about my ex, he isn't into older guys. Then again, I could be totally mistaken, because I've learned things about my ex recently that I didn't ever think were possible.

    Again, it was just very hurtful to me that my ex wanted to enter a relationship with me while he already had something going on the side, and continued that well into our relationship. The fact that he cheated meant I was going to end things, regardless of the age of the person he cheated with. But again, it just adds even more salt into the wound for me when I realize how much older this man is than me.
     
  11. Lexington

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    Well, one thing to keep in mind is that we're not all using the same scorecard. We all find different things appealing, and we even find random (and sometimes wild) deviations within those vague sort of attractions.

    It's a common (but misguided) thought to have when we find out somebody we were/are interested in is attracted to someone else. "What's he got that I ain't got?" And yeah, sometimes the answer is obvious. But often it isn't. It sometimes just comes down to "he found this other person appealing/attractive/hot, even though I wouldn't".

    My first boyfriend broke it off with me, and soon after started dating another guy. And I thought the guy was an utter loser (and no, not just because he was dating my ex). He was manipulative and kind of a drag to be around. And I felt pissed that my ex "left me for him", because to me, it felt like I had "lost" to this new guy. As if my overall "score" was less than his. But that's only true on my ex's scorecard. To plenty of other guys, I was more attractive than him.

    Long story short - don't walk away from this thinking "I'm not a good enough boyfriend - 60-year-olds will be able to steal my boyfriends away any time they want". The main thought should be "my ex decided to continue a sexual relationship with this guy even after we became a couple, and I couldn't abide that". And of course, that pales next to "my boyfriend cheated (more than once, with more than one person)". :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  12. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    I've been trying not to get myself in the mindset of "I must not have been a good enough boyfriend"... although it's still hard for me to accept he cheated multiple times, I feel like I need to tell myself that that has to do with his own personal flaws, and not mine.

    Really, again, what it comes down to is trust. My ex deceived me throughout our entire year-long relationship - whether or not his sexual encounters with this guy ended early or not, he still lied to me during our relationship and repeatedly told me I had nothing to be worried about, and that nothing has ever happened between them, when in fact they had a long-lasting sexual relationship.

    This is ultimately what has been hardest for me to deal with as a result of this breakup. And it makes me worried if I may ever be able to fully trust future boyfriends. If this guy could deceive me for so long without remorse...what would stop anyone else from doing the same? I understand this way of thinking is illogical and that not every guy out there is a compulsive liar, but I do know gay men have a bad reputation of being sexually promiscuous and seem to be more likely to cheat than their straight counterparts. Obviously I am not one of those people, but it concerns and upsets me that my first serious relationship was with a guy who falls into that stereotype associated with gay guys.
     
  13. MissMiri

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    yeah guys can get that desperate. lol dont worry the old fart he cheated on ya with he will probably cheat on (!) and then sweet sweet justice would happen. but i would never go for someone that old thats just a barf fest waiting to happen.besides i suggest not bailing your ex out of this mess he is making and just grab the flipping popcorn.

    ---------- Post added 11th Nov 2014 at 04:13 PM ----------

    besides the only one dumb enough to try this is either a desperate person or a gold digging tramp. ask your ex if he was payed for the bjs
     
    #13 MissMiri, Nov 11, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2014
  14. Chromedome

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    Your boyfriend was playing sugarbaby. They are gold digging young people who be in relationships with people in forties and over for money and support.
     
  15. MissMiri

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    yep in other words he was probably a greedy cunt and you have every right to leave him like you did
     
  16. Blossom85

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    I am sorry this happened to you, and I think the cheating thing and lying is more what you need to concentrate on, not the age of the guy he was seeing.. I also think that in time you will heal and be able to move on.. You seem like a sweet kind of guy and deserve happiness and love, but I also don't think it's right that other members feel they can call names to or say mean cruel things about someone who is not even here to defend himself.. You don't know the reasons behind why he let an older man do that to him, so I feel no one should judge him based in the fact he let a man old enough to be his grandfather be sexual with him
     
  17. EMF49

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    Thanks Blossom85. I know that the age thing really shouldn't be the main issue - and of course the fact that my ex cheated and lied is really the root of the whole problem and the main reason I broke up with him. But it's still kind of strange to me and tough for me to process, when I knew my ex for over a year and never really thought he would ever be sexual with someone that much older. Whenever I brought up my suspicions about his friendship with this older man, my ex would always say I was crazy to even suspect anything and that he would never do anything with someone that much older. He had me convinced that nothing had been going on and that he wasn't attracted in any way to this man.

    If I knew right from the beginning that he had this sexual relationship, maybe I would see things differently. But it's just the fact that he kept up this lie for so long and had me believing that's not something he would ever be attracted to, when in fact the sexual relationship was going on for over a year, is the hardest part for me to deal with.
     
  18. SunShadowDragon

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    I think that you don't have to deal with something like that. You were right o break up with him. But he sounds like he is having problems and needs support.
     
  19. MissMiri

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    now that i think about it i agree with dragon too
     
  20. EMF49

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    Maybe it's just because I'm too nice of a person, but I've thought along the same lines too, SunShadowDragon. Yeah, he cheated on me numerous times, with more than one person, but part of me wants to understand why he felt the need to do so. It almost seems to me like it's some sort of addiction... and I'm going to bring up the age thing again, but the fact he felt the need to get sexual pleasure from someone I'm PRETTY sure he would not normally be attracted to (at least not that I'm aware of), it contributes even further to the idea it might be some kind of sex addiction.

    I know there's no chance I would ever be in a relationship with him again, but part of me wants to be there for him as a friend and really understand why he did what he did. Because we dated for almost a year and I really did grow to care for him.

    But then the other part of me just sees him as a guy who treated me like crap and constantly lied to me, and that part of me wants nothing more to do with him. So I'm really not sure what to do.