Hello everyone, I'm Tom, and I'm new here. I saw this website and figured, since I have so few people I can talk to about all of this, that I might just be able to talk about it here. I'm a bisexual adult male, the father of a beautiful son and husband of a beautiful wife. She's one of the few people who knows exactly who I am, and knows the reason I'm not with a man is that I fell in love with a woman first. It could have gone either way, and I'm still exactly the same as I was. My problem is homophobia, in my family and in my work life. My family's pretty strongly anti-gay; those who support gay rights do so in a "Keep it to yourself" or "Not in my house" kind of way. The leading comment is "As long as they don't hit on me." Others range from the kind of people who'd disown me, to the kind of people I might be attacked by if they ever found out. Meanwhile at work, I found out recently that the opinion of my boss and coworkers is more toward the violent end of that scale. It would probably hurt my job and alienate my family if I ever came out to everyone, and as I have a boy to look after now, I can't risk this all falling apart. The closest I come to leaving the closet is being an outspoken "gay rights advocate" in my family, all the while carefully speaking as if I were talking about a group outside my own experience. I have to work really hard to frame my sexuality as simply support for the LGBT community, lest anyone catch on. It's really stressful for me, some days. I'm more sensitive than the men in my family, at least as far as I can tell, and I'm attracted to men the same way as women - but I don't dare to ever let them know. I feel a lot of pain and stress from keeping the secret, and at the end of the day, I can't let it go at least until I've got a living situation and level of financial security that'll let me lose those people who would leave my life without putting my family's well-being at risk. I guess my question is... how do I cope with this? It's starting to really drive me down. Does anyone here have similar situations with family, or know a good way to keep going under these pressures? Sorry if I'm doing this wrong, but I just figured an outlet wouldn't hurt.
First of all, I'm so sorry I don't really have any advice! I just wanted to let you know that someone is here, someone is listening, and gets it. If my work finds out I'm "different" I'll be forced to leave the country and could be blacklisted from coming back. And my family definitely wouldn't support a 'sinner' like me if they knew. We just gotta keep going! Keeping finding outlets, keep hoping, and just stay as true to ourselves as we can. That's what I think anyways. I hope you can get a break soon! Good luck.
It's a lot better when you talk about it, instead of keeping it to yourself. When it comes to these difficult times, I suggest talking to a psychologist. Don't think of it like you have mental issue, but it's better to talk to someone who can help you along the way. I talk to my psychologist once a week, so I can tell her what's going on and how she can help. I'm more sensitive then most guys as well, and a little bit of internalized homophobia. We just have to unlearn than being different is not bad at all.
I do admit, shame was a pretty big part of me before I realized what I was. Raised homophobic, then feeling for a boy, secretly dating... I had to learn what I was wasn't wrong. I'm glad people are responding on here - you guys made me smile today. I might give a psychologist a call, see what's available in my area. I've started to worry about another problem. One day I'm coming out, and I'm not too worried - I can distance myself from those who might hurt me and I believe some of my family, at least, would stay. But how do I tell my son, sooner or later, when he's older? What about family he's close to who we might lose?
