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The most painful year of my life.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by NotSureWhatIam, Nov 12, 2014.

  1. NotSureWhatIam

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    I fell in love with a boy. This wasn't just any regular boy. He was amazing. Funny, cute, smart, nice, compassionate. He's the first person I've ever felt this way about. It was something inside of me, a deep thing that was so hard to explain. He took me from rock bottom and showed me there was a reason to live. He helped me get my life on track. I would have done anything for him, followed him anywhere. Only one problem, he was madly in love with a woman. That bit hurt. It really hurts seeing someone you love cuddling with someone else. Kissing them, telling them that he loves them. I got sick when they went off to take a shower together. I don't know why I felt so attached to him. The thought of what they might be doing in there made me sick. He was my best friend, we did everything together. He even said he loved me (in a brotherly way of course). He stastarted to notice that something was off. I was getting depressed. For a while at first I thought maybe he was gay, he was so nice and he wasn't like any straight guy I've known.

    When I realized all hope was lost and it what I thought was the light at the end of the tunnel, was just a freight train coming my way (yes Metallica). I got really down. Got mad over every little thing. He realized I had feelings for him (I only know this now) so he started acting uber straight. Just plain mean at times. We have been fighting the last few months and each one gets worse and worse. He insults me and calls me stupid. He doesn't even talk to me. But we're roomates so I have to see him once in a while. He's in the other room playing video games with his friends. He doesn't want me to be in the living room because he doesn't want to talk to me.

    I told him about my throat cancer. I expected maybe some empathy. He said sorry to hear that and just went about his day. It really really hurts to see someone that you loved unconditionally, hating your guts and not caring that you're dying. I go to sleep crying, and I wake up crying. Because he's all I have. My family has left me, I have no other friends. It's just me and my dog..I don't know why I should be living anymore. If I'm already dying, and my life has no purpose. Why not just end it? People always say "You're still young" or this too shall pass. Well it wont. I'll be meeting the reaper before my 21st birthday. Anyways. Sorry for the depressed rant. I just had to tell somebody.
     
    #1 NotSureWhatIam, Nov 12, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2014
  2. bornthiswaybby

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    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Homophobia is what causes stuff like this because people are not exposed to the LGBT community at a younger age. He may feel like he'll be "judged" for being your friend or maybe he's being like that to impress his friends. Before I go any further, I just want to say that I'm so sorry. If I could possibly do it I would give you a huge hug right now. I can't imagine how you feel and I wish I could do something to make it better. Have you had an actual conversation about the situation? I'm so angry that he would treat you badly simply because you had feelings for him.

    I know it seems like the end and like things will always be bad but I promise you things will look up and I'm so sorry you feel like they won't. I beg you not to end your life, you have so much happiness in store that you can't even fathom right now because your sadness is masking it, but I know you have hope. If there is any way for you to see a therapist of some sort I hope you do try, maybe they can provide better help than me :frowning2:

    I'm sorry I really do wish I could hug you. But instead I'll put these (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)