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In Love With My Teacher And Extremely Confused!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TArrowG, Nov 14, 2014.

  1. TArrowG

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    Hi!

    This is the first post I've ever made, whether it be here or on any forum anywhere, so, if you're taking the time to read this and are considering replying, thank you!

    I really don't know how people initially start posts such as these so I'll do the first thing which comes to mind, which is to introduce myself.
    My online persona is Arrow, I'm 18 years of age, female, and lesbian.

    Now to my issue, I'm in love with someone who I really shouldn't be in love with. My teacher.

    I know, I know, 'Oh wow, another person who's 'in love' with their teacher, as if we haven't heard that one before!', trust me, I'm the first person who would agree with you! I didn't expect to fall so hard, and so deeply in love with someone like her, but no matter what I try, I can't stop myself nor can I bring myself to regret the fact that I have fallen for her.

    I'll start from the beginning. I attend a sixth-form college, I started my first year September of 2013 and due to my panic & anxiety disorders I dropped out April of 2014. I didn't sit a single exam, and my attendance by the time I dropped out was below 60%. I decided during the time that I had dropped out to the time the next year of college was supposed to start that I NEEDED to go back and take another year, and actually pass this time, and I'm extremely determined to do so!

    A week or so after I had dropped out, I was called into a meeting with my previous form tutor – T – and the vice principal of the school – G – both of which are female. I have no idea why, but for some reason, both these teachers held me extremely high, and thought that I was a great person and that I don't give myself enough credit when it comes to my potential and ability to do certain things, such as actually be able to sit an exam and pass. During this meeting G told me about a new course she had introduced to the college – as she had worked in a previous college for 18 years or so, and had gotten extremely good results from the students she taught the course to. This course was Communication & Cultural Studies.

    I'm not going to go through what happened during the whole meeting, but I will say it ended on an extremely high note with both T and G thinking I should definitely come back to the college and take the new course. I was the first student to be signed up to Comms&Cul and to this day I am extremely thankful that I was given the chance to take this course, as it is the most fun I've had doing anything, especially anything related to education.

    The day of enrolment, well, my 're-enrolment' during August of 2014, G was my enroller. In a college of 3000+ students it can take anywhere between 2-4 hours to get fully enrolled, especially if you come late, but thankfully, members of staff who know of me and my situation have allowed me to be fast-tracked through the process of enrolment and both years now it hasn't taken me any longer than 15mins to get fully enrolled. I sat down with G, and as she was writing through my courses she made sure that I definitely wanted to do the Comms&Cul course, of course I said yes, and at that moment G introduced me to the other teacher who would be teaching me Comms&Cul, and sitting immediately to my right, was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life.

    I remember every aspect of her and what she looked like on that day. I remember what she was wearing, how she laughed and spoke, what she said, and most importantly, I remember the warmth I felt when she smiled with the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. I could go on for years and years about what she looks like, how she makes me feel and how much I've fallen for her and why, but I know you wouldn't be interested, as I said before, you've heard all this right? Well, this is where it gets interesting.

    The first day of college, isn't exactly the first day of college. You go in halfway through the day and are introduced to your form tutor. Can you guess who mine is? Yeah, she's my tutor. So, not only do I see her throughout the week for my lessons, but I also have weekly 1-1's with her, and she knows what I'm doing 99% of the time.

    So, the second I saw her on the first day, I remembered who she was. She didn't remember me until I told her we had been introduced briefly before during enrolment, and once I had done that, I saw a light bulb flicker on and she began to riddle off what I was wearing and what we spoke of during enrolment. She remembered. That first day wasn't the greatest. I spent my time trying to keep my eyes off of her, and she spent her time trying to look at and call on other students other than me. All in all, I'd say that day confused us both.

    Now we're a few months through college and a lot has developed between us two, both good and bad, but I don't know why, and that's one of the reasons I'm making this. She used to flirt with me quite openly, but recently she's been withdrawing herself from being around me in certain ways, and flirts in ways that confuse me to no end, and before you go making the assumptions that this is all in my head, let me explain!

    Initially, when we would flirt, it would be very open, we didn't care who was listening or watching. During our Comms/Cul classes, she would pull her chair next to me, and sit down and talk to me as other people were doing work, and we would talk about the most pointless things as well as things that mattered between us two. She would tell me how I would fit in around middle-class educated people, such as members of her family. She would tell me things her dad told her as she was growing up, and would express herself in ways that teachers aren't permitted to doing, such as using well, to put it lightly, 'colourful language'. She would talk to me about her family, about how her mum is American and lives in Brooklyn, and how she is the origin of her love of Yankee candles – which by the way, we spent 2 hours talking about and ordering on Amazon... during our form class. We spoke about news reports, I told her how I didn't like the fact that most news stations show little to no emotion when it comes to serious news reports and she told me she thought I was one of the most compassionate people she had met, and that whatever I was to do with my life, I'd be successful at it – although this had absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about, I took the compliment.

    There was a day when I had had a really heated argument with my English teacher, and he had called me a disappointment and embarrassment – which to say the least set my confidence back in ways you couldn't imagine. She saw I was pissed off and really upset during form, and asked me 'what's up?', just as I was about to tell her, she was interrupted multiple times by other students. With each student that interrupted us, I saw her patience dwindle lower and lower, and I started to feel crappier and crappier.
    I asked her if I could be excused to get some water. She gave me this look, this puppy eyed, quivering 'I feel your pain, I'm sorry' look, and told me she would have a conversation with me as soon as I got back.
    Once I had gotten back, I slumped down in my chair and just rested my head on my arms on the desk. She offered me some almonds, and told me she had to go talk to one more student out the class. I thankfully took an almond, and she left them open on her desk for me to take some more, I didn't.
    Once she had finished, she came over to me and asked me if I wanted to go outside to talk, I said yes, and we went outside. At this moment in time, it had been several months since I had been able to cry about anything, but to stand in front of her and tell her how crappy I felt and how much I agreed with my teacher that I was a disappointment, I began to visually crumble in front of her. She grabbed my arm softly, and told me she thought I was as far from a disappointment as anyone could get, and that she personally thought that my teacher was a prick for saying the things he did. She made me laugh, in return I made her laugh too.

    That was around the time things began to change. She went from being the openly flirty person she initially was, to barely flirting with me at all if there are other people around. If we're in a room with other students and/or teachers present, she'll only flirt with me if we're having a quiet one to one conversation. 3/5 nights of the week, I wait until really late, around 5:30/6:00pm to see her about the work I was doing and whatnot. She will always take me to a room that's empty with nobody around, during which time she turns what could be 2 minute conversations into 20 minute conversations, during which time we laugh, joke, subtly flirt with each other, and laugh more. She laughs at things I say that even I don't find funny, she blushes an immense amount, she smiles a ridiculous amount and holds eye contact with me for what seems like years at a time.

    Whenever I'm having conversations with other students about whatever has been going on, she waits until I finish talking to the person then asks me about some of the stuff I had been talking about, or, if she finds it interesting, she'll straight up interrupt the other student and ask me about it, but will then become quiet as to make sure it's only me who hears her during our conversation. She asks me for advice on things that are going on in her life, she tells me personal stuff, and she talks to me as if I'm completely non-associated with college as a whole. She disassociates me as being one of her students. She hangs up phone conversations if she sees me in the hallways, and comes to talk to me about completely random stuff and she's done this so much so before that she's been late to her classes.

    The most recent exchange of this flirting that we had that confused me the most happened on my 18th birthday. It was an open-day for our college, and I went to the Psychology and Comms&Cul department to talk to new students about the courses. During this day, she would constantly drag me into conversations she was having with people about the course, and would introduce me as her best most successful student – all of which embarrassed and made me blush immensely. She would then leave me to talk to the students and would watch me from the other side of the room, smiling and giggling to herself. I would occasionally glance at her and give her a look that was like 'Why? Why would you do this to me', a sort of sarcastic look, which would then only make her giggle more. As the day progressed, one of my friends (who is also one of her form students) came over to me and told me he wanted to take me to the cinema with a group of other friends. I was hesitant to do so, with panic attacks being a very likely thing to occur. After hearing this conversation she pulled me to one side and asked me if I was going to go or not, I told her I wasn't sure and she gave me this disappointed type of look and told me I deserved to go and be happy. During this conversation, my friend interrupted us and told me he was making me go. Throughout this I continued to turn down his offer, until she silently called me from across the room, gave me 'that' look, and told me she really thought I should go.

    At that moment my friend did something that was awfully embarrassing, he said to her, and I quote 'If you care so much, why don't you go with her?'. I felt my face instantly change colour to bright red, as well as watching her face do the same. She looked at me, and contemplated the situation for what seemed like ages, until another teacher came along and told her she had to stay at the college for a few more hours after the open day finished in order to finish some marking. She looked at me, and apologised, and told me she'd like me to take her some other time.

    Now. All in all, I have absolutely no idea what to make of this. Not only am I still convinced she's 100% straight, she is waaaay out of my league in every aspect ever. She also deserves someone much much better than me. Oh, and before you make your verdict, maybe I should have mentioned that she's only 22/23, which is only a 4/5 year age difference between us (and I'm perfectly legal for everything.). Also, in case some of you assume that I'm about ready to jump at any opportunity I get with this perfect being, I wouldn't ever do anything that would jeopardise her in any way.

    Any response is appreciated!
    Thank you readers! - Arrow <3 x

    P.S. I'm really sorry if none of this made sense and all I did was babble on. When I start to talk about her I can't stop myself from going on an on. All in all, I'd like your thoughts on whether or not she's actually flirting with me, or if there is any chance she's lesbian/exploring such things and would be interested in me. Also keep in mind, as I said, I have best intentions in mind and would never do anything to jeopardise anything for her. Thank you! <3 x
     
  2. MissMiri

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    umm I guess you should go with your heart on this one
     
  3. wolfheartmoon

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    Because some schools have strict rules AGAINST teachers and students dating and it could cost her her job?
    And if she's doing nothing in front of other people, it's because she knows it's either not right, or against the rules.
     
  4. TArrowG

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    Hey, thanks for your reply :slight_smile:

    I know this, which is why I've said I wouldn't do anything that could jeopardize her in any way. I know that dating students is against the rules in pretty much every educational work place anywhere, once again, which is why I wouldn't do anything with her.

    Something I forgot to mention is that once I finish attending this college as a student, I'm supposed to be doing a teacher training course at the same college, working in the same department as her - this was always my plan since before I ever met her :slight_smile:.

    She also doesn't not do anything in front of people like this, she just waits until we're alone before actually immersing herself within the conversation and allowing herself to open up more.

    Also, the part of my post that you quoted wasn't said by me, but by a friend of mine. Due to me actually being aware that it is almost certainly against the college rules, I wouldn't have asked such a thing.

    Once again tho, thank you for your reply! :slight_smile:
     
  5. kaminari

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    Wow this is too cute! :3
    I think she definitely likes you - she's just worried about losing her job if someone suspects anything. Things can happen between you two!