my rant, my thoughts and some of my advice

This is probably really obvious but I feel the need to type what I am feeling out and to express it. I am hurting a lot, but- it's not as bad as I thought it would be and I understand that it will pass and I will feel better again with each passing day...

Its just, I have been hurt by people before, and each time you think to yourself that you have strategies for dealing with it- that you somehow get used to the pain of being hurt by someone- but it never gets any easier- it still feels just as painful as your first ever heart break...

To put things into context, me and this guy that I have been interested in, have been seeing each other casually for half a year now. We did have a lot of sex- but it was more than that. I would sleep over, and then we would spend the night or following day together, going shopping together, watching movies together, running silly errands such as car fixing or taking walks around the park whenever we had the chance to. We ate dinner together, met up for lunch, went to museums... But he was so insistent upon the fact that we were not in a relationship. I just played along, because I knew that he was attracted to me, and that he had openly stated that he liked spending time with me, that he liked me as a person, and that he was physically attracted to me. He said that he wasn't ready for a serious commitment as his previous ex had hurt him to the extent that, even two years on he still thinks about him... I guess a small part of me wanted to play the role of the savior and sort of remind him to trust again- but that was silly nonsense on my behalf.

I continued on just being his lover and his companion up until just last night I guess. He went away on vacation for a month, and I somewhat stupidly waited for him to return so that I could see him again...I thought about him a lot in his absence. He didn't think much about me in retrospect. When he returned, I had waited for him even though we weren't in a relationship. I had waited for him because part of me still believed that we were more than just fuckbuddies.... We met up, and had an amazing night, at least from my perspective. I enjoyed going to places like the shopping centre with him, buying things, looking at things together... My previous ex's were so closeted that they would be much too paranoid to be seen out in public with me. He said I was amazing, and that I was perfect for him... But still, he just wouldn't commit. I genuinely believed that it was because of the damage that had been inflicted upon him by his ex...

I messaged him one night- no reply. So I messaged him again- once more, no reply. When we finally met up, he was talking about how he hooked up. I was hurt, but I was used to this by now (I am by no means no angel I guess, I understand in a twisted sense that sometimes hooking up with someone doesn't really change your feelings towards someone else- that it was possible to still care and like someone even if you hook up with someone else- that the feelings for one person doesn't really diminish the feelings for another). I should have never been OK with this type of behaviour. But I excused him- because after all we were just casual right? He messages me, saying that it would never work between us, that me and him were looking for different things. At first I was hysterical, and I sent message after message begging him not to turn his back on me, that I could change, that I could be the mature person that he wanted.

Upon coming back to what I had sent him an hour later- I realised that I had proved his exact point. I had not behaved like a reasonable adult- I was behaving like a whinging baby who did not get his way. In retrospect, I could see why my messages would have failed to sway his mind. In my defence though, I was smart enough to carefully avoid accusing him of any wrong doing- merely just stating how special he is to me etc. Still, I should have probably waited a bit, thought reflectively, and then send the text messages expressing my feelings for him. This I guess is the first lesson that I should learn from all of this. Never say or send anything when you are at the height of your emotion.

He calmly responded, albeit rather coldly, that the age gap between us was too large (twenty and thirty, me being younger) and that such relationships would never work out. It was at this point that I realized that I had lost him for good. Where the feelings are mutual, it should not have been this hard to convince someone to commit to you. If I had to literally beg him to change his mind- how telling is this of the condition and extent of his feelings for me? I shouldn't have to beg him- no one should have to ever beg or carry on with trying to convince someone else of feeling otherwise. I'll give myself credit here at least, I guess I made one last attempt at swaying his mind, and left with my head held somewhat high.

Moral of the story for me, and the lessons that I've learnt:
-casual relationships just never work... someone will always get hurt (this is obvious though)
-that I am not strong enough for NSAs or hook ups (I dont think i have the emotional detachment to enjoy it actually- it really makes me wonder how some men are able to just detach sex and feelings- I really cannot do it regardless of how hard I try)
and finally
-gestures, behaviours, stares, touching- all of these factors are irrelevant. The only way you can ever know how someone really feels about you is if they say it themselves. We had sex, we did things together and we spent a lot of time together- but none of this was a relationship- None of this was any indicator that he ever had feelings for me beyond those than mutual respect and desire.

It seems as though the more I dabble into the gay world, the more complicated it becomes. I long to experience what a real relationship is- and at this point, given all of my experiences, I am beginning to see relationships as extremely serious commitment. The belief that relationships are of the deepest of bonds where everything must be in perfect alignment. I cannot say that my latest experience has set my expectations for a relationship very high as now I understand that a relationship is more than just spending time with someone, being intimate with them, sharing common interests with them and doing things together with them- no, it is something unspoken- it is something somehow deeper than all of the physical and emotional interconnections that could be shared between two people. That even so, there is a fine distinction between simply enjoying someone else's company compared with enjoying them as a person. I guess this whole experience of mine was me just simply enjoying his company. I guess I was just attracted to the idea of him- and not the actual person behind this idea...

I am however so incredibly curious to see what a relationship is like- what a relationship feels like at this point. I wouldn't enter a relationship either unless I was sure that the person was right for me, but one can't help but wonder.

I guess I am feeling sad, a little embarrassed now by having made a fool of myself and professing my feelings to someone who was indifferent, and I feel a little shameful that I had just begged someone not to leave me- I should know better by now. I didn't act at all like someone mature or worthy to be in a relationship- I was acting like a whinging baby who didn't get what he wanted (in my defence though, Im still happy that I didnt accuse him of anything). I got what I deserved at the very least. But that said, I know I will get over this and feel better day by day- and I know that I will meet someone one day who will show me what a relationship is like. And, like all things, I know that one day that too will end- and it will be up to me to accept it with grace, or repeat my mistakes... You never seem to quite get the grasp of hurt- its an awful feeling that you just never get used to...

 

Thanks guys, your posts really made me feel better.
@DragonHerz, I guess you are right. I still don't understand what is going through their minds when they do such things. I always held the belief that it was I who was the problem , that I was just being too sensitive and too clingy... A small part of me still believes in this. But it is hard...the expectation that you are supposed to go through life and experiences without putting a single thought or care to it, that your mind is basically a blank slate.

At this point, I've given up on trying to understand what really goes through a person's mind- the verity and the gravity of their feelings, their thoughts, their intentions... It feels impossible attempting to decipher a person's mind, to understand what they are really thinking... Thinking back, everything seemed so genuine and I truly believed that we connected and had something meaningful. But I suppose, in instances where I had thought that it was a great night, that spending time with him was great and warm- he could have just seen it as a passing moment- as nothing special- as something expendable.

I hate that. I hate the feeling of just being forgettable. I hate meeting people who feel like, at any point, if it pleases them, that they could easily just cut ties with me,- that they can just walk away at any given moment. It hurts thinking that you had absolutely no impact on them, that the time that you've spent with them had no bearing upon how they felt- that you, as a person, had no significance or had no lasting effect in their memory. The thought that they could just replace you, that once they drop you, they can just so easily move on and not think for a moment about who they left behind, or who they hurt. This guy that I was seeing- he was like that. He told me of his long, long history of fuckbuddies, of friends with benefits, how before me, he used to see another guy for a couple of weeks before things went quiet. It hurts to think that I was just another fuckbuddy, that my existence made no difference to him... To think that I made no impact on him however- that would be too easy... That would simply be me taking the easy route and saying that it meant nothing. I am sure that I mattered in some form or some way to him.

Well, I don't care if what I experienced, and what I thought I had was nothing, was insignificant, was 'expendable', was 'replaceable' to him... it was important to me, it meant a lot to me

I don't hold it against him, however, we all have our reasons to why we do the things that we do. I am sure there are two sides to the story, and he is just looking out for his own happiness. That's what we do. We look out for ourselves, our interests and our happiness...and given the chance, we'd step over just about anyone to make ourselves happy. It's human nature at the end of the day, human nature to want and to be happy.

Still, I am sure you all can relate. The pain of kissing someone or hugging someone and not having them return it back to you- the pain of them just shrugging it off or brushing it off right after you two were just intimate, right after you two had spent the night together... It wasn't always like that at the start- it only became like that after a few months... I guess naturally he just got bored of me. I don't hold that against him either- no one really has conscious control over their attraction, their interest, or their desire for a person.... I've experienced both ends now, and I guess it's just the way things are...

In the end, even if things have changed and even if things were not as true as I thought they were, and even if things have ended, I can always rely upon the certainty of my memories and my moments of things that have passed- that at least is certain to me- I can always look upon fondly everything that has passed, and everything that has ended and accept that although it is no longer true, or although it is no longer happening in the here and now, for that moment in time, it was true and certain, and it was true for me


I guess I am still young though, and I have many, many years to look forward to. I hope one day I can experience something that is the real deal, and look back upon this as just a passing fling, something small and insignificant...

lol sorry for carrying on, I guess I am still just saying things

 

Thanks for all your support dragonherz, i actually feel a lot better after reading it and thinkimg about.it..