A couple months ago I met a guy online at my university who is here for school and lives in a different part of the state. Since he didn't know the area well I showed him different places near campus and it was a fun time. When I asked him what he was looking for he said he was bi and mainly wanted a fwb with a guy but couldn't see it going further than that. When he asked me I said I was mainly looking for friends or a relationship but didn't want to do the whole fwb thing. So we mutually decided to pursue a friendship, but after that day whenever I asked him if he wanted to do something he always had a reason not to and then eventually stopped replying to me. We stopped talking and then a few weeks later he texted me out of the blue asking if I wanted a bj. I replied that I already told him I wasn't looking for hookups or a fwb and the reason being (especially with him) is that he's the type of guy I would want more from i.e. actual dates and whatnot, so I wanted to avoid putting myself in that situation of wanting more than he would give. So after that we stopped talking for a couple months until a couple days ago. I wanted someone to go to the mall with me and literally all of my friends had excuses to not go so I asked him thinking that maybe this could be a second start and things would go differently. Instead of the mall he invited me over to watch a show with him but I got a weird feeling in my gut (thinking he was going to try something) and decided to avoid it. I went for a drive instead (partly work related), and around 11pm that night I asked if he wanted to come to see parts of town that he hadn't yet since I was already planning on driving there anyway. I mentioned that my roommate wanted to come and he said "oh I thought it was going to be just us". I told him my roommate wouldn't come then. He said yes and we were out until maybe 12:30 - 1 am. I had a fun time and he seemed to also so when I was driving him back to his apartment we decided we were going to go to the mall Friday after my class. Friday came around and I told him I was out of class and ready to go and he never replied. I texted him a couple more times Friday and Saturday and he never replied, though he was on twitter and instagram the whole time. So here I am pissed off that two times this kid has seemed to want to pursue a friendship and then blown me off. I'm thinking that maybe he was hoping a hookup would happen when we hung out that night, and when it didn't he decided to stop talking to me again because he realized he wasn't going to get what he wanted. It's just been extremely irritating me the past few days that I got my hopes up again that he and I could be friends, and I don't understand why this is affecting me so much and why I'm having such a hard time writing him off as a jerk and forgetting all about him. If he texted me tomorrow I would probably reply even after all of this, and that's a problem considering how he's treated me. He seemed like such a nice guy, and I'm at a loss for how to deal with my emotions of anger and sadness in this situation.
The impression i'm getting from this... Your "friend" is only interested in sex and anything he might have done with you, was with the idea that he might do something kinky with you later on. Seeing as how nothing happened he lost interest. You can easily test this theory out, by being somewhat "slutty"-acting with him and seeing if he'll bite. People like this usually bite, straight away, which is kind of a huge giveaway of how he really feels. You seem to have realized what the situation is, so my question is... Why bother being friends with the guy? I get that sometimes you are so desperate to go out with friends, that you are even willing to turn to the people you don't like, but still... Just try and distance yourself from him. Realize that nothing will happen and start obsessing over someone else. You don't have to completely cut him off (as that might backfire), but... don't cling to the idea of something happening.
The first time this happened it took me a couple weeks but I got over him pretty successfully, so it's my own fault for putting myself through this again thinking it would be different. I'm generally a very forgiving person and can look past someone's previous mistakes, but because I clearly stated to him the first time we met that I wasn't at all looking for hookups, I though that maybe this time he was looking for actual friendship knowing that I wasn't interested in more. But I guess in the same way I thought he would've changed his views maybe he though I had changed mine and that's why he decided to hang out, to see if it would go anywhere. I'm a higher up officer in a sports club on campus that he's a member of so I can't really avoid him if he's there, and I don't want to act slutty because of how it might affect my position, but also I don't want to give him any hope that any future interactions (if I ever decide to talk to him again) might possibly lead to a hookup. It's just irritating how someone can pretend to be a friend if it'll lead to more, which I'm now realizing means that even if we were to become friends, in his mind there would always be an underlying desire for sex or something even if I keep saying no, otherwise he'd have no reason to continue being my "friend".
Its good that you drew the line right from the beginning and stuck to it. It shows character if nothing else. There will always be guys like this. Maybe he'll eventually get the clue and see you as just friends, or maybe he'll mature and want a relationship in the future, but either way I think you pegged the situation right: He figured a late night hang-out would lead to something, and when it didn't he decided it wasn't worth it. If this is the case then he isn't worth it, even as a friend.
Ok so let me see if I got this straight (HA): You meet guy. Guy makes advances on you. You reject guy. Guy backs off. You don't like this. whut I just don't get why is so important for you to be friends with him. Try considering the other side: he wants you but he can't have you so he is removing himself from the situation and moving on. That sounds like a reasonable stance to me and I don't think that makes him a jerk. If you were to tell me he tried to force himself on you or something that would be another story, but that's not our story. He is looking out for himself the same way you are looking out for yourself. You are both acting selfishly and and that doesn't make either of you jerks. The only problem I see here is your inability to move on.
Rawrzilla I completely see where you're coming from looking at things from his point of view. I don't usually put myself out there to meet new people, and even though I told him I only wanted to be friends (since I knew a relationship was out of the picture in his mind) looking at it now I see that I was being selfish because I was wanting the companionship part of a relationship (hanging out and just spending time together) that I thought I could get through us being friends. At the same time I was denying him what he wanted out of it (sex) while trying to fulfill my own desires. I guess it's been a mismatch from the start since even though we both agreed to be friends we came into it hoping to get two different things out of it. As far as moving on, I'll have moved on by the end of the week. Whenever I get in situations like this I obsess over why things can't just work out and even though the answer is implied that he doesn't want to be friends, I would so much rather him actually tell me that so I can move on quicker. But I just needed to vent and I appreciate you all listening. ---------- Post added 17th Nov 2014 at 01:16 AM ---------- So now at this point the question is: Do I leave it as it is (I was pretty frustrated on Saturday so I sent a sarcastic text that he never replied to) or do I try and show that I understand the situation and want to end it on a positive note?
Yaaaaaay you got it! Regarding your question, there's no reason to leave this on a sour note and make things more awkward that they need to be between you two (specially if you're gonna keep seeing him regardless). Go for it, but do it via text. Face to face would be too much/dramatic.
How about something along the lines: "hey I want to apologize if I made it seem like anything more was going to happen Thursday night other than us just hanging out. I don't know if that's the impression I gave but I didn't mean to. I apologize for my sarcastic text on Saturday, I was pretty pissed that I turned down other plans on Friday thinking you were going to get back to me and we would go. But I'm over it now, and just wanted to get all of this out there. If you're not going to reply then that's fine, but I hope you have a good rest of the semester and good luck on finals."
