Kindness, an Essential Ingredient in Relationships

greatwhale · Nov 18, 2014

Greetings!

I recently came across this article which follows up on something I saw on TV about 2 decades ago.

This was ground-breaking research done over 40 years by psychologist John Gottman:

Psychologist John Gottman was one of those researchers. For the past four decades, he has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. I recently had the chance to interview Gottman and his wife Julie, also a psychologist, in New York City. Together, the renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies.
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Here are a few extracts worth mentioning:

On the concept of "bids", or requests for connection:

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
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On its applicability to all couples:

By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty [my bold] whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
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On "scanning" one's partner:

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
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^On the above, how many of us who've been in long-term relationships have had to endure someone who habitually looks for flaws, or reaches for the worst explanation when something goes wrong? I have! :dry:

Contempt is the primary reason couples fail:

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder—deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally—damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers [my bold]. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.
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^My ex and I literally made each other sick with autoimmune diseases...

And this, on the importance of being there not only when things go wrong, but even more importantly when they go right!

We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.
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The article ends with this on the importance of kindness and generosity:

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart. In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
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I cannot stress enough, and have often done so here, the importance of loving-kindness, of trying to see the best in the other person, of being generous when partners fail while attempting to do the right thing.

I have endured 20 years of living with a "disaster", and I was certainly no "master" in it as well. Being able to predict a marital breakup with 94% certainty is amazing, few things are that predictable.

Contempt is the No. 1 enemy of relationships, fear it!

Spartan 117 · Nov 18, 2014

What an interesting post. I think that all of us know deep down that we have to be kind to our partners, and bond over the little things in life, but sometimes it feels like life gets in the way of that.

This was a nice read to put things in perspective.

Ps. Y'know I really do like Goldfinches.

greatwhale · Nov 18, 2014

Spartan 117 said: ↑

Ps. Y'know I really do like Goldfinches.
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In contrast to my ex, if I were to point out to my best friend (of 42 years) something interesting that I just happened to notice, I know he would stop whatever he was doing and appreciate it in the same way.

You can really tell the health of a relationship by how they react to each other's good news...When done right, even expressing anger or disappointment is done kindly, focussing on communicating one's own feelings rather than pointing out the other's supposed flaws.

kumawool · Nov 18, 2014

I read that article about a week ago. Since reading it, I've been putting a little bit of extra effort to be kind, and to put that extra interest in things my boyfriend talks about... even if they're a little silly. The positive response was very encouraging, so I don't think I'm going to stop (*hug*).

Truthfully, being kind is something you should be to your partner anyway. However, over time (in my case a year), it all starts to become routine, and it's easy to stop truly appreciating the person you're with.

So reminders like this can definitely help you to take your relationship seriously.

So it's more like this (*hug*), and less like this :tantrum::tantrum::tantrum:

greatwhale · Nov 18, 2014

kumawool said: ↑

I read that article about a week ago. Since reading it, I've been putting a little bit of extra effort to be kind, and to put that extra interest in things my boyfriend talks about... even if they're a little silly. The positive response was very encouraging, so I don't think I'm going to stop (*hug*).

Truthfully, being kind is something you should be to your partner anyway. However, over time (in my case a year), it all starts to become routine, and it's easy to stop truly appreciating the person you're with.

So reminders like this can definitely help you to take your relationship seriously.

So it's more like this (*hug*), and less like this :tantrum::tantrum::tantrum:
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Wonderful to hear that it works, and yes it is work to drag yourself away from whatever you are doing when responding to your boyfriend's "bid" for connection...but these "silly" things are what you will remember most about him, the small intimate connections that build a relationship, they are worth every moment!

resu · Nov 19, 2014

Very cool!

bearheart · Nov 20, 2014

Very well said, the subject is very important not only as a receiver but also as a giver. I know what it feels when you're excited about something and you get shut down or subject abruptly changed by the person who's supposed to be the closest to you. I hope that I don't do it to others myself, but God knows, I try hard not to whenever I'm aware of it.
Thanks for sharing

Kindness, an Essential Ingredient in Relationships

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