My bf and I dated for about a year. I wont say it was the perfect relationship -- we never fought or argued or anything and we did a lot of great things together...hung out ALL the time... but we also had our personality differences and even after a year of dating him, I wasnt totally sure if I could see myself with him long-term. But things were going well and I was happy being in a relationship with him. That is until I found out from a mutual friend (who let it accidentally slip) that my bf had cheated on me with (at least) two other guys in the first three months of our relationship. These werent emotional affairs or anything -- just one-time sexual flings. He knew both of these guys and they asked if they could do stuff with him, and my bf said yes. Anyways, obviously after finding this out I was crushed cause I felt like the whole relationship he had been keeping this from me. I broke up with him and was furious for a while. A few weeks later I realized I still had some of his stuff at my apartment, so he came over to get it and wanted to talk. We had a long long talk. Up til that point I had been furious at him for cheating and lying to me, but he completely broke down into tears, saying how the few weeks when we were apart he couldnt think of anything else besides what he did and how much he regrets it. I was his first serious bf and he told me in those first few months he did not take our relationship seriously enough, and didnt know exactly what he wanted yet out of a relationship. He said after those two flings, he totally regretted what he did and felt awful, and he looked me in the eyes and swore on his dead father (a pretty huge deal to me) that he had never betrayed me once after that. I couldnt really help but believe him, and seeing him so emotionally broken was really hard for me. We parted ways after our talk. He was still really upset about the breakup but seems like he was starting to come to terms with it, and realized he made a mistake and feels awful that he blew his chance on a long-term relationship with me. After that night, I havent been able to get him off my mind. I think about him all the time, especially seeing how upset and sorry he was for what he did so early on in our relationship. I dont ever condone cheating, but in this case I feel pretty certain that he cheated, regretted it after he did it, and kept it from me cause he knew it wouldnt happen again, and he didnt want to lose me. After those first three months our relationship had grown stronger and stronger and he seemed more committed to me than ever. So yeah.....I guess now I am having second thoughts about breaking up with him. Should I just try and suck it up and move on...or do you guys think this might be worth giving a second chance?
If he were someone i felt a deep connection with, I would consider being with him again, because his remorse seems genuine, and maybe he could learn the value of self-control now that his previous lack of it, caused you such distress. But then there's the other side, which is that 'a leopard doesn't change it's spots', meaning that to be honest, character is something that usually takes some time to change...in this case, he says that he did not cheat at all after that but...he did withhold that information from you for quite some time. Is he open and honest by nature, then? It's a difficult decision to make...but then, it's possible he is telling the truth, that the indiscretion was a 'one-off' and that he did not do anything after that. But I don't see a clear-cut answer to this...maybe mull over it for a while first? But take care of your heart, right? And tune in to your 'gut instinct' too...although amidst the competing voices of desire and compassion, it can be hard to hear what your 'gut instinct' has to say about it...
Once he's cheated, the whole "But I swear, I only cheated X amount of times" is an absurd and ridiculous point to make, dead father or no. The issue is that he hurt you, and broke your trust. These are things that deeply hurt you, and unless he is concerned with how that made you feel, unless he is deeply hurt by the fact that you're hurting, he isn't going to have any motivation to not just cheat again. Cheating is difficult, because it's hard to tell once it happens, if your partner is a sociopath incapable of empathy and concern for your feelings, or is a person that can learn from his mistake out of love for you (though the eternal question: Why did you do it in the first place, if you loved me, comes to mind). So there's really a lot to consider when you're thinking about dating him again. If you do, you're setting yourself up to be hurt again, so consider that as well.
The thing is though is that he DOES seem to care about how that made me feel. I broke up with him very quickly and suddenly after I found out he cheated, we didn't really have much chance to talk it over. I just told him, "I know you cheated on me, and I don't feel I'll ever be able to trust you again, so its over" And thats how I felt for the several days after breaking up. But seeing him again, and hearing his side of the story....he did seem genuinely upset and sorry for what he did, and he said he hates himself for how much he hurt me. And I'm assuming this was said all with the knowledge that we wouldnt be getting back together, since I already broke up with him. Its not like he was lying through his teeth just to salvage the relationship, because it was already over. Its just seeing him looking so guilty over what he did, and hearing why he did it (he was being stupid, he didnt realize until later in our relationship that he really did love and care about me, etc.)....all that stuff is what really put me into doubt mode, and has made me regret throwing away something that made me so happy. He kept saying during our talk that he didnt tell me that he cheated because it happened in the past, and he wanted to move forward and learn from his mistakes. Like Damien said above, something that also has me concerned is if its possible to change in such a short time. To me, cheating is not something that typically comes naturally to people, its kind of hardwired into you, so the fact he did it not only once but twice has me maybe second guessing if he really did go cold turkey and never cheat on me again after that. I would really like to believe thats the case, since he did promise me on his dead father, but thats another thing thats holding me back from giving him another shot. Its not always easy to tell if a leopard can really change his spots I wouldnt want to make an irrational decision and jump right back into a relationship with him only to get hurt again. But I cant help but look back on how much I enjoyed my relationship with him, especially in the last few months of it. We had gotten so close and got to know each other so well, and did so many things together, and now that its over, I really miss all that and most of all, I miss him.
I've been in a similar situation as yours but the thing is, I was the one who "lied" and "cheated". Like what your ex did, I've also been so regretful and been on a depression however my ex-lover made it clear that we aren't going to be back ever again. Like what others have said, once the trust is broken, it's a pretty big deal. I treated the guys I met as porn and never had any emotional attachments between them but also I'm not saying that this is ok because it isn't at all and have never told my ex about it. I think this is a decision you need to really think about. I think what you need is a lot of time to recover and this may also give a test of his patience as well.
Honestly, it's really up to you, and nothing anyone tells you can make the decision for you. For me, it would be a dealbreaker. The very phrase "In the beginning, the relationship didn't mean that much to him" is, in itself, really telling. It means that he made a commitment to you to be in a relationship, but didn't have enough respect for you not to cheat on you, for his own selfish reasons. That points to a fundamental lack of integrity. And if he really felt so terrible about it... he could easily have told you after it happened. I don't give that much credit to tears and promises, for the simple reason that someone who doesn't hold integrity to his promises in the beginning... probably can't be trusted. Of course, I am not there to experience the conversation with him, so I can't speak to that part, only to what you've described. And that's why I feel like it ultimately has to be something that you come to by yourself.
I am always one for second chances. However, it is important to remember with cheating that, when it comes to the cheating, it isn't really about the physical act itself that should be of most concern. Cheating should never be considered as just a singular event. It should be considered within the context of everything leading up to it- what he was thinking, what anyone who goes through with cheating would have been thinking to go through with it. Something tells me that it wasn't just mistaken loss of judgement from an intoxicated state but it was methodical and planned- that it was premeditated. What was he thinking leading up to it? Why did he decide to cheat? Why did he carry through with it? These must be some fundamental problems in a relationship to push someone to cheat... That said however, although I agree with Chip, I do believe that people can change over time, that things are never just as black and white or boxed categorically as you'd think
Thanks everyone for the tips and advice. i've given it a lot of thought over the last few days since I had that talk with him. I think it was a bad idea in general for me to see him in person so soon after our breakup, because all it did was bring back old feelings and memories of how much I enjoyed our relationship, and seeing him get so emotional really made me want to believe him. But all the points you guys have made make total sense to me. I know he said that he didnt take our relationship seriously enough in the beginning, but if thats true then he should never have made that commitment to me in the first place. Again I look back on the last several months of our relationship and see that he was loyal to me and there was never anybody I thought he might have been doing stuff with (but of course I could be totally wrong about that) And yeah when he did cheat those two times, he totally knew what he was doing both times. He wasnt drunk either time....with one of the guys, it was a friend of his who he had done sexual stuff with before we started dating, but then kept doing it in the first few months of our relationship. Strike one. And the second time was a guy he had been friends with for a long time, who he just recently found out was gay, and this friend of his asked if they could do stuff together, and my ex said yes, and then INVITED the guy over to his apartment where they hooked up. So its like he went out of his way to cheat on me in that case. Again, according to my ex bf both of these instances were in the beginning of our relationship, when he "didnt take it seriously", and yes, our relationship after that was really good and I loved spending time with him. But I think I know now if I gave him another chance I dont think I could ever fully trust him again
You did the right, and obviously painful, thing by breaking up with him. I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater always a cheater" idea, I think it is much more complicated than that, but, suffice it to say, he did not value the relationship in the same way you did and he even felt he could get away with it. It is first and foremost a sign of disrespect, the relationship was the problem. The best you can do now is simply forgive him, not for his sake, but for yours. This simple, but admittedly difficult act has the remarkable effect of providing closure, to allow you to move on with your life.
I agree greatwhale, I dont necessarily believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" statement. But I also agree with your other points. I think really the only way I would've been able to truely forgive him and give him another shot is if he came forward and told me that he cheated right after it happened. That would've shown he truely felt guilty for what he did and admitted to his mistakes. The fact he cheated (TWICE) early in the relationship and continued acting like nothing happened is what concerns me most. It shows me that what he did wasnt really a big deal to him, and yes, that is very disrespectful.....to do something you know to be wrong behind someone's back, and then keep that information from them. Its the ultimate form of disrespect. I will do my best to forgive him. I was very close to forgetting the whole thing and giving him another chance after we had our emotional talk, but after thinking it over for a few days I realized I need to give myself space from him and let things mull over. Maybe at some point I'll be ready for forgive him and possibly even be friends with him. Honestly I kind of hope that will be the case because we DID do so many fun things together and it was nice having that companionship with him. Thats the thing I miss the most I think about our relationship so it would be nice to start that up again someday.
