Hi, this is a little awkward for me and I don't think my user name is gonna help( kinda sounds like a stripper name:eusa_doh: ) but I just felt like I needed to vent a little and hopefully get some advice at the same time I can across this site when I searched, Gay Suicide letters. I wanted to read a few suicide letters to try and prevent me from cutting again and attempting suicide. We'll let me start from the start I realized That I was gay last year in August, 24th to be exact. I knew I was gay when I first fell for a guy in my grade, he's a few month younger than me and we're born on the same date. I was out with a few friends at the mall, we all participated in laser tag and well, I teamed up with the guy I fell for. (Let's call him Robert(not real name)) we ran around the arena a couple times and eventually decided to split up, that's when I first felt a little something for him, but I just didn't know it at that specific moment. As the night grew old we all ended up having dinner at a restaurant in the nearby food court, that's when I noticed how adorable he really was. Yet I still had no intension of acting on that emotion, and simply stuck my head deep into the conversation between my two friends that were seated besides me. Later that night, at 10:12 if I remember correctly, that's when I realized that I'm gay, and that I'd taken a liking in "Robert". This was the most stupid thing I had ever done in my life, so far... That same night I managed to confess my sexuality to one of my close friends at the time, she was excepting and found it really awesome that I had a crush. It felt good having somebody on my side for once, a few days later I had decided to throw a little party at my home. I had most definitely invited Robert and a few of his friends and mine, we all hung out and had a great time. At the end of the night I ended up messaging him instead of cleaning up the enormous mess that was my living room, we chatted about the party and the number of girls we've dated,( I had to say something to hide my sexuality!) and we had a really lovely conversation(As friends of course). That's when I really fell hard for him. School had just reopened the week after my party and, well things were quite different. I found myself disgusted with the boys I was hanging out with, so I decided to find a more form fitting social group. This group is the group that have stuck it out with e through thick and thin, they are still my regular group today . Then soon it came out to everybody, somebody, I don't know who, told Robert and the whole grade that I was gay and that I loved him. I was utterly crushed, I immediately became so embarrassed with my new social status, "Gay Loser", that I started cutting, writing love poems about Robert (How Stupid!!) and even contemplating suicide. Robert's little group, of assholes found it entertaining to pick at my every being, I was humiliated left, right and centre. There was absolutely nothing I could do, other wise my social status would be even worse that what it currently is, I decided to lock it all up, keep to myself and not talk to anybody whatsoever. Finally, school came to a close and I could just let my hair down and try forget about the whole year's mess. Even though, I was still crushing on Robert like there was mono tomorrow. I mean who could ever give up on their first crush? I ended up cutting even more, I burnt my love poems and sobbed in my room for days on end. The entire holiday was completely ruined and will to live was depleting, fast. As school reopened the following year, I was sort of, uplifted on the social platform, I was gaining more friends, people liked me for who I was, I was kinda happy, I guess. The rest of the first term went by with utter bullying and confidence shattering, this became the time where I had began to cut the most. My legs, arms, and occasionally my face were blistered with bruises and slashes of scares attempting to repair themselves. I eventually spoke out, I in the form of a letter to my English teacher/Grade controller, she helped me with the bullying, even though it took about 5 months to formally address the issue with the Deputy principal. She also helped with my depression, my lack of self confidence and self worth, she was willing to help me through everything and I couldn't believe it! The bullies were then called in with her and they discussed the bullying situation, even with my plead not to mention my name, and it was all over. The bullying stopped, for as long as 2 months, then it began, again. The stares, the snickers, glares, it all ate at me inside and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I then, one the Friday before my term 2 exams began, I cut my self all over my arms during my Maths class, I knew then that I needed to do something about it, after Maths I went straight to my school's counsellor and he placed a band-aid over my wounds. He was the most accepting man in my life, he then immediately took me to my grade controller and we decided to phone my mother, luckily she was accepting too. I was then sent to my school's part time psychologist, where I explained my whole situation as well as the robbery that occurred during the term 1 holidays, she helped me out as to calm down from my anxiety attack and I was sent home a few minutes early so that I could avoid my classmates. My parents had a meeting with the deputy principal and we opted that I move to a different exam location as opposed to sitting with the bullies for 4 weeks. A few days later, after meeting with the deputy principal a numerous amount of times, I had a meeting with the bullies in his office, we discussed the situation and the boys were suspended for a week. Even though I was happy the whole situation was dismissed, it didn't take my pain away, it didn't remove the scares on my body, it didn't remove my depressed soul. What am I supposed to do know? My suicide letter is two pages long and I can't decide which method would be most painful. Sorry for the long post. Streisand
Listen to me Suicide is not the answer! Someone on these forms mentioned something pretty wise and said suicide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem! That bring to the main point When does it get better? 1) Well firstly you seem pretty young, I am presuming high school? So High School is tough and you are very brave to be able to acknowledge who you are at your age. When you leave school that will relieve a lot of the stress and remove you from the unhealthy environment. 2) It will get better if you tell someone that you want to die. Tell your teacher you trust, a parent, the school physiologist (a private social worker/psychologist). It seems like The adults in your life are quite supportive and love you! I know that it can feel as if you are alone but I promise you that there are people in this word who would do anything to make you feel better. It is going to take time, but a year or two in the greater scheme of things is not much. Pick up the phone and contact someone you are just friendly with and make plans with them, do something different tomorrow take a break from studying for exams or throw yourself into it, change your routine but don't let the stress school puts on you (exams, teachers, pressure) or the bullies win! You are strong and special and people love and care about you. I care about you even though I don't know where you live, your name or even how old you are. You are brave to be posting this and you have the potential to shape the world the way you want it, it just takes time. All the love care, kindness in the world! DOn't let someone who is half the man you are control your life! Remember you are a bigger person than they can ever be. Love Ruby xxx
Absolutely 100% it gets so much better! High school can be hell, it was for me too. People can be stupid, but you can leave them behind. From the sounds of it you already did that, leaving your friends and finding a new supportive group. It took me until I had almost graduated university and an abusive boyfriend to figure that out! No matter what, you can't give up on yourself. There is so much more joy that life will bring you if you just stick it out. In fact, you'll probably be happier than anyone you know, because you know what it's like to hurt. It might not seem like it now, but it will happen as long as you stick around. It sounds like you're on the right track, talking to people that can help (teachers, parents, etc.), finding supportive friends, finding a community that will accept you and encourage you (that's us ). Just keep fighting, you will win. Remember, we are here for you. We don't really know you, you don't know us. But we are connected, and you matter to us. You're taking a unique pigment out of our rainbow if you leave us. <3
You should have the self-confidence to know you can make it through this. You had the courage and self-confidence to admit what you felt, and deal with it in a pretty healthy way. Do not ever give up on yourself, and who you want to be. The negative critic you hear in your head is not you, you can ignore it and tell it to shut the F up. You will leave those bullies in the dust when you get to higher ed. Find your place to fit in, and lean on each other for support. If you are depressed, seek professional counseling as soon as you can, there are a lot of things that you can do to help with that. I know therapy and meds have helped me deal with my depression. Yeah, high school sucks. I think it's a universal rule, if you are different in high school you will be picked on. I was picked on until I got bigger then everyone else. Then I was tolerated. I was always an awkward, introverted kid. Sexuality was never an issue for me then, I wasn't attractive to anyone that I knew of. The people who are picking on you are unsure of their own manhood. That is why they are so hard on you. You represent a part of them they want to deny. Wanting another guys cock. At least that's the reason I believe a lot of males pick on gays. They secretly want it, and that makes them angry. I remember talking with one guy who said he was picked on every day of High School. One of the worst abusers wanted the guy to suck his cock, and stopped bullying him after that occurred. How twisted is that. That is them hanging their issues around your neck. I'd hate to give any advice on how to turn that around on them. Don't take this burden from them, don't be a sheep, be a sheep dog, attack those wolves. That's just a metaphor by the way, I don't mean for you to use violence against your bullies. Shield yourself from their bullying with your courage, and self-confidence. Let their words fall on deaf ears.
