My mum thinks I cannot be gay due to every reason in the book and she basically talks to me about what people in the real world are like in thinking about having a heterosexual family. It's making me extremely sad and I don't feel as if she cares. She questions every thing I do and it feels as if she is homophobic she hides it quite well. I don't know what to do. My pain is coming back because of her and it is dulling every feeling in my body cause she just made me so happy and then she does this. Now there's no point for me to even live a normal life. I'm back into depression.
Actually I've realized that I guess I am sexless to them like a neutered dog at the end of the day. So it's like I should just cut my penis off and sew skin there. Or what about I kill myself because according to them I don't belong anywhere. I could do that or I could say I don't care what you say mum and dad I was happy and now you've ruined it through misunderstanding why I bought some good clothes to improve my fashion sense. Ooh well you're a believer in true love, I'm sorry but there is no such thing as true love. And by the way mum and dad, I'm gay and there ain't nothing you can do.
How long has your mom known? Keep in mind the 5 stages of loss, in this case, loss of perception you're straight: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. It took you some time to understand and accept yourself, and it sounds like your mom is stuck in the denial stage at the moment. It takes some people longer than others to work through the stages. As hard as it is, I'd suggest you try your best to have patience and compassion for her and know that eventually, she will come around, but for now, she is likely just having a hard time accepting the "loss" she is feeling.
Yeah my family was shocked that I would bring it up, and who wouldn't be? I lived with my parents for 18 years and now I tell them that I'm probably not straight? My parent's weren't taught that being gay is OK, whereas today's society being different is highly accepted. I think that a lot of traditional families don't expect that they'll have a LGBT child. No one really thinks about that. When you're born, parents just want to make sure you're healthy, so you could say that it never crossed their mind if they would have a LGBT child. Shocking things usually take time to absorb. In class, you can listen to the teacher for the whole time, but how much of the information did you remember, let alone understand?
Didn't you just have a post about how she handled it well? I'm confused, perhaps she's in a bit of a denial. Maybe they would be interested in asking questions in the parent section of this site? Would they be interested in reviewing some support material for families with a member of a gay person, such as PFLAG? PErhaps you could talk to a school counselor and ask if you could set up a group meeting. Many resources. Seems like they want to talk to you, even if it's a little one sided and ignorant. Try to see if you can educate them a bit..
Basically, this: "Mom, you are hurting me by saying these things, why do you hurt me? Do you want to see me suffer that badly?" You can throw an "I thought you loved me." in there as well, depending on how hard the first quote hits her. Try to be as "neutral" as possible when saying this. This will probably shock her back into reality. Not giving any guarantees though, since i don't know her personally. In the end, to quote (for the 100000'th time, it's a good quote!) someone i consider a friend. "Become at least confident enough in yourself and your ability to prevent people from being able to influence your view of yourself and your life."
Okay well here is what it is, My mom came to me yesterday and said something that made me feel she had handled it very well, but as it turns out I shouldn't have taken it like that because she just did the opposite of what she did yesterday, by simply saying that if I was my normal self I would be thinking of a family and children with a woman. I feel she doesn't understand that I've never thought of a family and children with a woman as my partner, but I have for a man being my partner. But I feel I've been gay all the time since I sexually matured(my first crush was on a guy), (also I thought about being with him and having a relationship with the same guy I felt a crush on). She simply wants me to go back to the repressed person I was before I realized I was gay. By the way Kumawool, she hates this forum and seems to think that the forum has put ideas in my head as she discovered it a while ago by snooping on my computer(I felt violated by her doing this). She would never go onto this forum and for me it's the only place I can be myself while she is around. I'm very scared of her since she's reacting like she wants my repressed personality back and she is trying to tell me I'm not gay. The thing is I feel as if I am gay, I even try to reason with her by telling her everyway I am gay(in like I've never thought about women, get aroused by men) and she just keeps saying you're not gay even after I've told her all these things. Then she makes stupid reasons as for the arousal by men by saying like I look at guys to see if they are okay because I'm skinny and I see them as skinny and say to myself oh they are doing well. When it is not that, I look at men because I see them as hot, sexy and in a very sexual way I think about them while I see them. Like in my mind I say, Oh he's hot I'd like to see him as my boyfriend. Just because I want to develop an emotional relationship before sex does not mean I am not gay either because I see most people on this forum do the same thing. My dad on the other hand, he says nothing and the only word he's said based on sexuality is "He's can't be gay because of the gay gene." Only said once and mum just seems to deny it more, I'm fine with dad because he has only said it once, but mum seems to think something is wrong with me and she says she is trying to help, but I don't see anything wrong, in fact if my son were homosexual I would instantly support him(if I were heterosexual, but I believe I am not heterosexual because I want to be with the same sex in a relationship and always have).
Wow, your parents definitely come from another time. It's hard for some parents to realize their kids are gay. They grieve because they feel like they've lost a future they wanted for their child. Denial is a natural part of that process, and you'll have to continue to be honest, and hating resources you use, like this forum, ignore your own thinking skills as a person, and the reality that things like this may have saved your life. She may never understand this, but that's okay. I think that's why resources can help. That you can still have a partner, get married, have a family, that everything is essentially the same. When I am on later I'll post a lot of resources you can use. ---------- Post added 20th Nov 2014 at 07:29 AM ---------- Also, the comment about genetics sounds like confusion to me. Sexuality, like everything else in human biology, is obviously influenced by genes. Genes can be dominant, recessive, semi dominant, paired with other genes, they may turn off and on in different people, and they may actually have an indirect influence (for example, the reality that the gay brain is physically different). I study genetics, and wouldn't dream of trying to comment on a gay gene. The science is there, but I'm going to leave that to the experts...
For you, the most important thing is consistency of response and an unfailing resolve to not allow the anger you are undoubtedly feeling to show. Whenever we react badly to someone elses negative attitude to our sexuality, it instills in their mind a level of doubt about our contentedness with who we are. If we appear sad, stressed or low in response to their hostility it will leave them with the impression that we are unhappy about being Gay (Lesbian, Bisexual or Transgendered) and set the tone for how they react. So keep your anger in check and remain consistent in the face of your Mother's derision - the idea is to let your pride show, without seeming overly satisfied or smug. In time, she will realise that this isn't a whim or passing fad that you will get over. Try to understand that your Mother's present feelings are being driven by a number of factors, including societal attitudes to same sex relationships and the five stages that Chip referred to in his response. It may take some time for her to work through everything and come to a point of acceptance (even if it's a grudging acceptance) of who you are. You can help that process along by remaining calm and positive. The worst thing you can do is allow your frustration to boil over and lash out. I know this is very difficult for you and it may test your patience to the limit, so stay with us and keep sharing how you are feeling. We are with you on this journey.
You were given excellent advice above. Chip's statement regarding grief is important, so let her grieve for the time being. Patrick's advice about keeping your response consistent will also, paradoxically help her reach the point where she will accept it and get to the point where grieving is possible. Your job is to hold firm, do not waver, do not give an inch as this will give her false hope. I would also recommend that you DO tell her how this is making you feel, just as you told us; about feeling sad and feeling that she doesn't care. It's not your job to convince her, your job is to be yourself and to communicate with her how she is affecting you by her abject denial. If she hears it often enough, the defenses will crumble away, be prepared for some raw emotions (come here often).
She also thinks I'm sick in the head and wants to take me to the doctor to supposedly cure me of my gay thoughts and the fact I am gay. I think that makes it ten times harder for me to tell her how I am feeling and things like that and that is why I'm planning to move out. Thanks for the advice by the way, all you people are just so understanding and helpful, that it is always a joy to be on this forum. I'd like to thank you all and by the way Kumawool I don't hate this forum, my parents do(they think it's a bad website).
