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any stories about unsuspecting spouses?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Wildside, Nov 20, 2014.

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  1. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    And when I say "unsuspecting" in the title, I really mean that I have not come out to her. I really can't know what she suspects or doesn't suspect. This is kind of a strange topic. I talked to someone about it, and he told me that I just needed to tell my wife that I'm gay, that she deserves to know. I agree with him, and came close to telling her a few months back. But it seems that she is very dependent and insecure. After 35 years of marriage, I don't want to just do something that is going to hurt her (being married to a gay guy in the closet for 35 years is bad enough). So, I'm wondering if anyone has any stories of how the relationship with their spouse (male or female) was like when they were (are still are) in the closet. I find that our relationship is tense and we tend to fight a lot. Sometimes I think she just holds me in contempt. I don't think that either one of us enjoys the company of the other, and that has been the case for a really long time. I try as hard as I can to be nice to her, but even the inflection in my voice can set her off. Ugh! I guess I don't really even know what I'm saying or asking, but any stories, suggestions, or advice relating to spouses would be really helpful. Maybe you'll trigger some sensible thoughts in my head. thanks.
     
    #1 Wildside, Nov 20, 2014
  2. I am Kakashi

    I am Kakashi
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    Wow, that sounds tough :frowning2: I don't have personal experience, but I did have a friend in college in a similar situation. She married her high school sweetheart when she was 22 and he was...24? They had 2 kids within 4 years of them being married. When I met her, her kids were...4 and 6 ish? Anyway, he came out as gay about 3 months before I met her, so she was going through a ton of crap.

    She was sad, and angry, and confused. It hurt her, they had known each other since like 6th grade, dated on and off in jr high and high school, but when they weren't dating they were best friends. So mostly she felt betrayed that he had this secret and never told her before.

    I'm assuming by your age that if you have kids, they are grown, out of the house, possibly with grandkids already. Or just never had them. Either way, not having school-age kids in the house is, not a plus per se. Let's just say having kids in the picture complicates everything even more.

    If you are going to come out to her, I would suggest maybe going to a therapist by yourself a few times, and figure it out with them. Them inviting her, and maybe even coming out during a joint session? Having someone there who is aware of the situation but not directly involved could help her a lot. She's going to probably feel as she has no support, so having a trained person there to help her might be a good idea. Hope that helps?
     
    #2 I am Kakashi, Nov 21, 2014
  3. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    Given I came out to my spouse within days of coming out to myself, I can not relate to the specific situation. However, I do believe you might be surprised that your spouse is actually stronger than you perceive, and I would think that being open with the person you have shared your life with after 35 years is better for the both of you than continuing to live under such difficult circumstances. As you might have read from others, its not unheard of for couples to even stay together later in life after one of the spouses comes out. Stranger things have happened.
     
    #3 OnTheHighway, Nov 21, 2014
  4. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks for the advise. Kakashi, I have begun the search for gay-friendly therapists in my area. I will actively seek out therapy next month when I get back from some trips I have scheduled. Just knowing that I have that much of a plan is enough to give me hope, something to look forward to. I won't plan out too many steps in advance, because that has been too much a characteristic of my life in the closet -- always having to plan out the game ten steps in advance to be sure that things came out the way that I needed them too, and never being able to enjoy the moment. and USxUK, though I do not dare to hope for those blue sky results, it is good to know that they are not completely outside the realm of possibility. Oh, and I should mention to you both that I am gay (yeah, I know that you know that already, but I'm just getting to enjoy saying that so much. the few times that I have told people that before were always agonizing and guilt ridden. It's getting to feel better each time I say it. I said it to someone with skin on them a couple days ago, and they didn't even bat an eye.)
     
    #4 Wildside, Nov 21, 2014
  5. HTBO

    HTBO
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    First thing I suggest is breath, and next I suggest posting this in the coming out later in life section. There are many of us who have come out to our spouses and the stories vary greatly. As for me, he had suspicions, and so far it hasn't been too bad, we are roommates and have told the kids. But, like I said, there are many different experiences and you will find a lot of help in that section.
     
    #5 HTBO, Nov 21, 2014
  6. I am Kakashi

    I am Kakashi
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    Sounds like you are headed in the right direction. :grin: Posting in the "later in life" section would probably get more advice form people in similar situations. Forgot about that :slight_smile:

    *Sidenote: After coming out to my dad (the one I was super worried about), I came out to so many people. By high school, I was working it into convos with new people all the time. being able to take the power from that little phrase and have it help you, instead of strike the fear of god into ya is awesome!
     
    #6 I am Kakashi, Nov 22, 2014
  7. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    yes, it is amazing how something that has given me SOOOO much fear over the years can also be so empowering, when I take control of it, in those moments and with those people with whom I can be open and honest. and thanks to both of you Kakashi and USxUK for the suggestion to post in the coming out forum. I'll see what comes of it over there
     
    #7 Wildside, Nov 22, 2014
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