The never-ending struggle of my complex friendship

I've made a topic about it before but it got way too long (over 500 posts). This is basically a recap plus an update

So basically, I'm a closet bi and the only person who knows this is my friend who I have feelings for, and one other friend (Who is a girl) that I'm close to.

So I have a very, very weird friendship. We're both guys. We met each other around a year ago, but I didn't enter his circle of friends until 4/5 months into knowing each other. He's a touchy guy but he's touchy especially around me. At first I thought he was really weird, and then I would ask myself "if I think it's so weird, why do I let him touch me like this? I should admit that I like it" and then I eventually grew feelings for him.
It all started when he asked me to hold my hand one day as we walked to the car with a group of friends, and I accepted. He tried holding my hand another time, when we sat next to each other in the car. A song was playing, and he tapped my leg, and then grabbed my hand. This went on for 5+ minutes, until my friends commented and said how weird and gay it is, and then he said "Yeah this is weird" and then I tried letting go, and he grabbed my hand back and held it.

And another time, we were watching a movie. He told only me to sit next to him on the couch. During the movie, he tried to slickly hold my hand numerous times, and he would also yawn and stretch so he could put his arm around me. And a few other times he's tried to hold my hand.

And during a hangout, he once said "Holding hands is base one," which is weird, even as a joke. And another time, we were watching a vine and he said to me "oh, get it, these guys are gay because they're holding hands."

Aside from that, when there's music on he would try to grind on me (and I wouldn't grind back) and even when it wasn't the proper music, he would slow dance with me, and only me.

At a dance I went to, my date (a girl) pulled me aside to tell me that "he wants you really badly, he's been staring at you constantly and he seems way too comfortable around you."

When we went on a weekend trip together and I was in bed, he came up to me and kissed me on the forehead and said "goodnight."

There's been another instance where he kissed the back of my hand. And there was another time where I was behind him in the car and I was bugging him by touching his face, and he grabbed my hand, rubbed his face, and then kissed the palm of my hand twice, then turned it around, and then kissed the back of my hand. And he randomly grabbed my hand and rubbed my face again. In terms of other ways he'd be touchy, there have been times where he would just turn around, ask me a question like "how's studying going?" and then carress my face, my mouth, and my beard. He's put his arms over my shoulder a lot, and there have been numerous instances where he's just grabbed me and held me.

At hangouts he'd follow me around and make me accompany him everywhere, including the bathroom. Even if it's a one-person bathroom. And he'd say things like "if you've ever wanted to look at my penis now's your chance" or say "best piss ever because I was with you." And sometimes when I would go away for literally a few seconds to throw something away he'd say things like "you think you can escape me?" or "where do you think you're going, huh?" with a smile on his face. And when I intentionally ignore him, or I'm not paying attention to him, it's blatantly obvious that he scratches his face and looks at me for a quick second or stretches to look at me. And sometimes I can just see him staring at me for many, many seconds. Hell, sometimes during sleepovers, when I'm on the floor, and he's on his bed, he'll be facing my direction and I guess staring at me, because right when I wake up he'll turn around in the opposite direction.

And speaking of sleepovers, we slept next to each other one time, in the same bed, and we would lightly be touching (ass to ass, or legs next to each other, etc.) and sometimes he would use me as a head rest, and when we woke up he smiled and hugged me while we were still in bed. And when guys who slept over in another room were talking about morning wood, he said "I think I had an accidental boner too, didn't you?"

And in terms of our friendship, we'll just always flirt. We'll stare at each other and jokingly say "I know my face is beautiful but stop staring." Or we'll constantly tease each other. Sometimes when we're sitting across from each other we'll mouth words to each other. I'll be the mean one and say "I hate you" and he'll smile and say "I love you." And one time he was across the room, and he whispered my name. I turned around, and he blew a kiss at me. I blew one back, he grabbed it and rubbed it on his mouth.

And even when I'll be mad at him and he won't know why, he wouldn't ignore me. He'd try his hardest to get my attention and to be nice so I'll snap out of it. There would be days where he'd just constantly try sneakily staring at me. Other times he'd still approach me and ask him to come with him somewhere even though he knew I was avoiding him. Or he'd just smile and butt into another conversation I'm having and say "I love you," etc. Speaking of saying "I love you," it's realistically about 20% of his vocabulary towards me. A lot of the time, when I'm not saying anything, he'll randomly say "I love you." I'll be talking to another friend nearby and he'll just butt in and say "Oh. I love you." Even sometimes when I jokingly say something mean he'd say "God I just love you. I love you so much." And one time when we were about to go to bed at camp, he'd say "I love you." I said "what?" And he said "I love you." And I didn't say anything. And he said "I love you." I didn't say anything back and he said "pft... ." And then a few seconds later he'd say "(my name), I LOVE you, alright?" And sometimes he'll yell it out as him and I are leaving and say "bye (my name)!!! I love you!!!"

And in terms of hugs, they were extremely romantic and we hug all the time. He'll hug me for zero reason a lot of the time. Sometimes he'll just be standing somewhere and I'll pass by and he'd grab me and pull me and hug me. Sometimes I'll be talking to another friend and he'll just walk up to me and hug me and say "this is going to be a long one." And our hugs are full body, cheek-to-cheek. And sometimes they'll be weird. I'll be sitting, and he'll be standing and hug me how we are and then he'd look down and I'd look up and we'll be smiling. And another time, I was just sitting and he came up to me and said "has anyone ever hugged your face before?" and he wrapped his arms around my face and rubbed our faces while smiling.

And there was one time in particular where we were having a small conversation and then he just gestured for us to hug, randomly. And then while we hugged, he said "I wish I could just be in your arms forever." At that hang out, we constantly hugged for a good 15/20 minutes, and purposely hung alone inside the house while the others were outside. And after that, our hugs would be longer. If we hugged for less than seconds and I'd let go, he'd say "no, that's too short." And hug me again. And sometimes if I reject a hug he'll just say "no." and forcefully hug me.

And in general we've had many lingering touches and little play fights. If our legs are glued next to each other one of us won't move it until a while has passed, and if our arms are on top of each other or next to each other we won't move it until after a while. And there have even been instances where he's hugged me, then looked at me and then tapped my face, my shoulder, and then my arms, and then slid down my arms slowly before hugging me again. And in terms of weird things he'll say to me... early on, when we just became actual friends, he'd ask me stuff like "if you could make out with one guy, who would it be?" about two times. And then two times, he asked "if you could make out with one guy in this group, who would it be?" And then another time he said "making out with (my name), I wonder what that feels like."

And another time we were having a pillow fight and he hit me twice, then dropped his pillow and hugged me. A few minutes later he said "If there's one guy I would want to watch getting head, it'd be you." And a few weeks ago we were staring at each other and he said "why do we always have so much sexual tension?" And then when I tried bringing it up at another hangout he said "don't try to change the subject."

And as for more weird comments, one time we were just talking and he said "what if I was gay and in the closet and I came out to you? How would you react?"

And when he was just playing a game and I was watching, and for a few minutes he would just constantly say "(my name) I love you" and I wasn't saying much, or anything at all. And then he looked at me and said "sometimes, I just want to love you."
And sometimes he'll just be weird. He'll say "oh I've never noticed that mole on your face before" and I'd say "oh, great..." and he said "no I like it, it's cute. I love you." A few weeks ago he couldn't finish his burger, so he gave it to me and he said "finish it." And I said no, and he said "eat it. Eat it or I'm going to have sex with you.... okay that was weird." And he pretty much always tries to be controlling and protective... exactly like a dominant boyfriend would act.

And there have been so many times where people have asked us "so how long have you two been dating?" And our guy friends have constantly asked us "are you guys gay?" "what the hell? (when we're hugging or staring or talking)" "will you guys just make out already?" And yeah, even when we hug, people will say "what the hell?" "what the **** was that? (sometimes we'll hug when we're both sitting down and he'll do something like rest his head on my chest and rub my stomach)" "well that was interesting..." "I'll leave you two alone in your love fest," etc. etc.

So based on all that... I grew feelings for him. And the thing is, it would drive me crazy, because after staring at me, and flirting with me, and doing stuff like resting his head on my shoulder or chest, or some of the other stuff I described, he'd say stuff like "man we need girls" or "you know what we need? Girlfriends" or if we're in a group hangout with guys and we're doing something stupid he'll be the one to say "wow notice how none of us have girlfriends" etc. and a few times he's hooked up... but then again, even while I've been crushing or in love, I have hooked up with girls myself.

And aside from the comments people have made, just like my prom date who said that he "wants you so badly," there was a girl who was talking to him about how he's flirty with girls and she pointed to me and said "you're even flirty with him for some reason." And there have been friends who say "sometimes he acts gay but he especially acts gay with you."

So basically, I told him that I loved our friendship so much (when he would give me the attention I described) that I grew feelings for him. I told him basically everything I just said here but in a condensed form. He told me he only meant it all as a friend and that he'll never do anything like that again. This was a little over 2 months ago.

Now, he's practically almost the same; he's slowly becoming more touchy again and is saying "I love you" again, and we still talk to each other the same way, always teasing each other. And my friends have been talking around and saying things like "(me) and (him) have this really weird tension..." and have suspected that we are gay for each other. And last week he wasn't sober and he pretty much acted EXACTLY like he used to; he was constantly hugging me (sometimes forcibly), saying "I love you," following me around, etc. And whenever I'm ignoring him or acting cold towards him he'll try to get my attention by stretching and scratching to look at me. And he claims our friendship is "awesome," but I don't feel that way at all. We don't communicate enough, I feel like we hold things back, sometimes I feel like he uses me, sometimes I feel like he just wants my attention, sometimes I feel like he doesn't care, I dunno.

For the past week or two I kept trying to ignore him or be cold towards him and he kept trying to get my attention and I felt bad and I ended up basically hanging out the entire time over the weekend. Hell we even slept in the same bed and our asses were against each other and we were lightly touching, not a big deal but it was weird. And basically at the end of the weekend I randomly stopped talking to him and I decided that it was becoming an issue.

I texted him exactly how I felt. I apologized for the absurd amount of times I've been cold towards him and given him the silent treatment. Then, I told him how I feel about the friendship; how I miss the old friendship, that even though I shouldn't miss it I do, and that I feel like that was the real friendship and that we're undergoing an artificial change and a downward slope, how I don't like how he has to be non-sober to act the way we used to, but that I also understand that when I revealed everything and pointed out how it was pretty gay plus all the comments and stuff our friends made it made him not want that friendship anymore, how I don't like how I feel like he avoids thinking about the friendship which is why he can claim it's "awesome," how he makes me feel sometimes (used, just wants my attention, embarrassed or uncomfortable around me, etc.), how I feel like he's not open and honest most of the time, etc.

And I also told him that I care about him more than anyone else in the group despite what it may seem like sometimes and that I care about the friendship. Even though distance is the smarter route, I don't want to let him go, I want to stop giving the silent treatment, I want him to be more open and honest, and I want us to fix this friendship that has been slowly but surely heading south.

He responded by basically saying "you do probably think about this more than I do, but that doesn't mean I never do. I have been, especially lately about everything we say and do to each other," then apologizing about how he's not more open and honest saying that's how he is with everyone because he's done it before and gotten judged, though he says he knows I understand him best and that I'd never look down on him or judge him. He said a few more things, then asked if there was something he wanted me to cover.

I said that it's basically fine and that I aired out what I wanted to say and he chose what to respond to. I told him that the only thing I'm wondering about is his thoughts on our friendship.

He responded 12 hours later at 1:30 AM, apologizing for not responding yet, because he said he couldn't think of how to say what he thinks about this friendship, or that he doesn't know what to think. And he suggested that we should talk about it in person, to air things out and to get things off the chest, and that it's not "bad news or anything."


Thoughts?

 

That's what I think but will he ever admit it? I dunno. You know one time he was complaining to me and I said he had an identity crisis and I suggested a few causes including not being straight and he didn't shoot that down... But I dunno.

And yes I would love to date him lowkey, or at least be very best friends and experiment with each other.

 

Did you not read my full post? Lol

I admitted my feelings to him and told him that the friendship was giving me anxiety, I pointed out all the things he did and said and all the comments other people said and he said he only did it as a friend

 

I really don't want to push things though. If he's not straight I don't want to force him to come out to me or anything... I dunno. How should I approach him? I don't even know what he's been holding in and I doubt it'll be something positive like his sexuality

 

I know, I texted him apologizing for the millions of times I've done that. And I haven't thought of that. I don't know if I can think of him as a strictly platonic friend

 

Saw him at party and he hugged me and said "I love you. See, I don't have to be non-sober to say it" and basically he went back to pretty much how our old friendship was. He kept putting his arm around me and dancing and he kept following me and asking to take shots with me and wanting to have a cigarette with me. Teasing each other all the time again. Constantly saying "I love you" again. Hugging me a million times for no reason again. Across the room he saw me and said "hi (my name)" and I gave him a jokingly disgusted face and then he made a heart with his hands.

We talked outside for a while in between all this about our friendship but we didn't get into the nitty-gritty... At one point I was making a sad/disappointed face and said "....this friendship is toxic" and he said "...wait so, you don't want to be friends anymore? Is that it?" And I said "idk..." And we worked it out from there.


But this is frustrating. Why in the hell is he acting this way again

 

I didn't ask him to. I said I miss it but I told him I know I shouldn't because it made him uncomfortable especially when I pointed out that it was pretty gay. I was not expecting him to act like his old self yesterday.

And please. I may be frustrating but I'm in a frustrating situation. And stop acting like he's a saint and I'm the devil. He's done a lot of screwed up things to a lot of people and on my part I've been a very good friend to him and he's told me I'm the only person who understands him and cares for him this much. And any time I feel like I'm bothering him or something is wrong I communicate. So stop making me seem like some delusional psychopath when that's not the case.

 

That's funny, because I don't have a deep down gut feeling that you're right. I know what I see and feel in person and there's many, many things I skimp out on. And if there's one thing I'm not, it's definitely immature. In fact, in real life, people tell me I'm far, far more mature than him. Unfortunately it's impossible to get good advice at this point, because you guys don't know everything.

 

Good point. In terms of being a good friend, he's told me I'm the one person that understands him best. I've told him that I care about him probably more than anyone else family-aside and I've been through a lot and yeah, he pisses me off, and yeah, some of his personality traits really get to me, but I still love him regardless. And he's opened up to me numerous times before and I've been willing to help him. And I'm usually one of the only ones that are willing to accompany him with something or help him out with something when others aren't. Basically, I let him know and I show that I care about him a lot. I think that's being a very good friend.

Well anyways a lot has happened this past week. He wasn't sober when he was acting all lovey-dovey the other day but he wasn't drunk either, but he still had some of his inhibitions let go... which is why I guess he was saying stuff like "I love you. See, I don't have to be non-sober to say that I love you" and like I said, he kept dancing with me and telling me he loves me and he hugged me a good 20 or so times, following me, made a heart with his hands when he saw me across the room, etc.

But basically on that day we talked outside alone for like 40 minutes. We got some things out of the way, like how we communicate, how we keep things from each other, what I feel that he does that doesn't make me feel good, that our friendship is toxic etc. etc. but we worked it out and he told me that he cares about me a lot and that he loves our friendship.

Things continued to be lovey-dovey and before I left he said "I love you. If you have anything on your mind, ever, let me know. I mean it" and I said "ok I'll text you" and he said "do it"

And I texted him in the morning and I said "So I'm glad we got things out of the way and we had a good time yesterday, but it still didn't make me happier. There's still one thing that's making it toxic. Like I said I have feelings for you, and I'm sorry. Doesn't that bother you? Doesn't it annoy you that you have to treat me differently from the rest of the guys, or other guys in general? Don't you look down on me? I'm sorry that I still like you. I suggested distance for this reason. If we continue how it was yesterday, on one hand, it'll be much less toxic but I'll still have feelings for you and that'll bother you. On another hand, if we continue how it's been lately, I'll lose my feelings for you but the downward spiral will most likely continue. To be honest it started because I thought you were at least bicurious and then when I revealed everything to you and all this happened, it changed things.

I don't know... maybe I'm overthinking things. I want to be happy when I see you and not sad. I'm hoping that I am just overthinking things and we'll still be good. I care about you a lot.

Thank you for staying outside for 30-40 minutes by the way. It meant a lot to me. Despite what I've said, I'm glad I met you, no matter what."

Or something to that extent. My phone doesn't work at the moment so I can't check.

But he didn't respond.

And at my house, people were over, including him. And he was avoiding me at first but in the kitchen he was acting a little normal and he said "sorry I didn't reply to your text I needed to get my thoughts together." And I said "oh... it's okay. Do you want to talk in my room and get it out of the way?" And he said "Yeah let me just play a few matches of (game) first."

And he played... for a good hour.

And we talked to each other again and I suggested to talk again and he said "later later let me have soda first and then."

And he went back and played the game... for another 3 or so hours. And he would look around occasionally to see where I was. And he'd say "(my name), come and play" and I wouldn't want to play because I wanted to get the conversation overwith. And I would just give him blank/disappointed looks.

And then he took a 10-or-so-minute break and when I came outside he went back inside. And played the game.

And then when everyone except him and his brother and one of our best friends were left, he started talking to me. I was talking to one of our best friends and he interjected himself into the conversation and I didn't respond to him. I cleaned stuff up and went inside and he went inside with me and he said with a smile, "why do you always hate me? Like why. Aaaaalways hates me."

And then I was just standing in my living room and he got a hold of two of my games (of a series I'm obsessed with), the original and a sequel, and he said with a smile "(my name) why? Like come on these are like the exact same game two times. You have to play it and show me that they're not the same. Like why. Come on"

At this point, and for the rest of this convo, we were standing extremely close to each other (about 2 inches away from each other) and looking at each other in the eyes.

And I just had a blank/disappointed face and took the games from his hands and put it back and said "Stop... just stop." And he said "what?" with a smile. And I said "you don't respect me." And he said "Woooow... I can't believe you just said that." And I said "you don't. Why didn't you talk to me? You were avoiding me the whole time." And then he got serious and said "Idk I just didn't feel like it." And I said "Why? I don't get it, don't you want to get it overwith?" And he said "Idk I didn't want to." And I said "I don't get it. It would be a good thing for me" and he said "it's not a good thing for me?" and I said "well if it is, I don't get why you wouldn't want to talk and get it overwith." And he said "well... I just didn't want to."

And we had about a good 20-30 seconds of just looking at each other in the eyes, and one of our best friends passed by and asked "how many months has it been?"

And then I said "Okay well if that was the case why didn't you just tell me that instead of avoiding me?" and he said "I don't know. After a few games I was like "....naaahhh not down" so I didn't say anything. If I could go back in time I would tell you."

And I said "okay." And he said "So I didn't feel like it, but there's always a next time, okay.... alright? Alright? Next time. Alright?" And I just nodded my head. And then he held out his hand for me to shake it and I said "no, not this time."

And his face got red and he said "Why. Why" and I said "because I don't want to." And he said "okay well maybe I don't want to either. But you gotta learn how to fake it instead of making things dramatic. Like now we're gonna part ways and you're gonna feel bad and I'm gonna feel worse it's not making anything better." And I said "okay yeah you're right" and he said "It's a sensitive topic and I get that and we should talk about it. We'll do it next time. Okay?"

And then we shook hands and did a cold hug and he left.

During this conversation, a good 3 times, he said "(brother) get up let's go hurry up."

And his brother kept asking me "what sensitive topic? What's the topic? Tell me tell me" but obviously I didn't tell him.


I then messaged him saying "Before I knock out I just wanted to say that on my end I'm sorry for making things dramatic especially in front of others. (Best friend) and (brother) didn't need to see that. Like you said I need to learn how to "fake it" much better. We should talk only when you're comfortable. In my opinion it should be in person and we should get absolutely everything out of the way so that we can have an actual friendship and not one where it's great one day and complete shit the next like how it was this weekend. If that's even possible at this point. Neither of us deserve the things we've been doing to each other. But it's up to you. Goodnight."

And he responded a few hours ago saying "Yeah there's a lot we should talk about and that I want to talk about, so in person and when it's an appropriate time we'll do it"

And I said "Alright let me know"


So... hopefully we talk it all out by Friday and make things work.

 

Also, just to clarify, I never tried to kiss him. In fact, I specifically told him to not worry about me trying to cross boundaries because I never do that with anyone unless I know the vibe/feeling is mutual. I was only thinking that when a few people suggested it but I never actually tried that. I wouldn't dare to. I'm not a touchy-feely guy (unless I'm not sober). Seems like some people on this site have misinterpreted some of my posts, which is understandable considering that I've pretty much written a novel's worth at this point. And when I'm cold towards him it rarely ever has to do with him "not wanting to kiss me" or anything ridiculous like that. 99% of the time it's things he says and does aka the way he acts that tick me off. And either way I've communicated to him very well and I've apologized for my frequent bouts of silent treatment and being cold/mean at times. Unlike him where he has trouble being honest and admitting things (which he acknowledged).

Also, mystory, you're right in the sense that I need to choose. Or compromise. Which is what I'm trying to do. At the very least, I'll try to subdue my feelings.

And about the "don't you think you would have tried something by now???" comment... absolutely not. There are so many aspects to consider that make me believe that this is totally understandable. But either way, this week, I want, and need, complete clarity.