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In love with a friend/work colleague

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PatrickPH, Nov 23, 2014.

  1. PatrickPH

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    Hi everyone!

    I am new here and have a problem of my own to submit you. This might be a little long, and I know that everybody says that, but I would really appreciate your help!!

    So let’s start with the background details: I am in my mid-twenties, and in my last year of university. I have been working in a pharmacy for 2 years as a “pharmacy student” (help the pharmacists with consultations, etc.). Another very important detail is that I probably have social anxiety, which means I am not at all comfortable in developing friendships, and I don’t have too much self-confidence… (and by the way, I am already thinking of seeing a psychologist for that). And most importantly, I am gay and am a closet case (nobody knows). Not sure my parents would be supportive, so I don’t really see the point of coming out until I really am in a relationship…

    Everything started when a new pharmacist (approx. 1 year older than me) started working at my pharmacy in May. I found him good-looking at first… but then gradually when getting to know him more at work, I started to develop feelings for him and now I really feel that I fell in love for him. :icon_redf When he first arrived, I wanted to be nice to him, so I was helping him as much as I could. I friended him on Facebook after a couple of days, which he seemed to be happy with. He seems like a shy person also… The major problem is that he has a girlfriend (well that’s what it seems on Facebook) although he never mentioned her, and actually told me he is living alone…

    I work part-time, so I am there every weekend, but he is only doing 1 weekend out of 3, so I don’t see him as often as I would like too. I really miss him during those weeks, there isn’t 1 day that I'm not thinking of him! And these days, I’m just ALWAYS thinking of him… :confused:

    We haven’t done anything outside of work yet. I would really like to invite him to do something but I am so shy and I don’t really know how to approach that without it being awkward. I know it’s stupid, but it makes me really nervous to do anything that could make him understand that I like him, even if it IS the goal! And I have no idea what to suggest doing!!
    We have a Christmas party for the job coming up in mid-December for which I will be going. I never go usually but had to tell him yes when he asked. By the way, he is not coming with his girlfriend, and did not ask me if I was coming with anyone when he was filling the form for me.

    Also, there are conventions and conferences for which we get invited since we are in the same domain. I tried inviting him 3 times now, but he was always working (and it’s true)… :frowning2: There is another one in June in another city, and it lasts 2 days. I’m thinking of inviting him, which would allow us to really spend more time (and 2 evenings) together.

    The last times I worked with him, he was really nice. I couldn’t stop looking at him! I hope he didn’t notice too much! (see, there I go again, I hope he doesn’t notice when I should be hoping he does if I want him to know I’m interested! :bang: ) Since I am still a student, I have to validate everything I am doing at work, so we talk very often. I find we are both smiling a lot to each other when we talk. I am often teasing him, but this is something I like to do in general when I get comfortable with people. And he is kinda starting to do that too! I found we were standing quite close most of the time when talking together. And he sometimes comes to me just to tell me something funny he heard, which makes me quite happy when he does that! :icon_bigg
    I am currently doing my internships. He has been VERY supportive with offering his help and reassuring me, especially when we talk on Facebook. He is always putting a lot of smileys in this Facebook messages, but that could be something he does with everyone…

    I don’t know what to think/do about this situation.
    There’s a part of me that tells me to forget it since he is in a relationship with a girl right now. But he could be bisexual… or have a girlfriend to hide his homosexuality.
    But another part of me just can’t let go because I feel like he is THE one. If it is only a crush, then it’s really 10 times more intense than any other crush I have experienced. I’m always checking if I have a message from him on Facebook (we are talking quite often recently), and counting the weeks until we work together again! We seem to have a lot in common!

    Please help me with this. What is your opinion? What should I do? :help:
     
  2. dopplershift94

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    Do he know that you're gay? If not, tell him that first and see how he reacts. If he takes it well, that's great. Then after a little time has passed, tell him how you feel about him. That's what I did, and although he didn't feel the same way, I was able to move on after telling him. I was in the same situation as you as well, he had a girlfriend too.

    You should read my experience here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...u-tell-your-straight-crush-you-like-them.html
     
  3. PatrickPH

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    Thank you for taking your time to answer me, I appreciate it! :slight_smile:

    But no, he doesn't know! When I said that nobody knows, it definitely includes him also. Of course, I know that I should tell him, but I'm not sure I am ready yet... If ever he is not gay, I don't think he would be homophobic... but that would mean someobody knows about me after that and it makes me very nervous! Also, we will be working together for probably years to come, so it could be weird if it does not go well. I was thinking that MAY BE I could tell him next summer if we go to the convention together for a couple of days... or may be before if we do more things together.
     
  4. PatrickPH

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    Please, anybody else could give me their opinion/comments?? :slight_smile:
    Just writing this here was actually very hard for me, and only 1 person answered me... I would really like to have more opinions!
     
  5. MrPotato

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    I think that the advice "dopplershift94" gave you is really great advice.

    You need to be able to be open with him if you want him to truly be your friend. Even if it turns out that he is 100% straight... it will give you an immense pleasure to finally be able to not hide from someone.

    In this day and age, it's very common for college boys to be educated on sexuality so I don't think his reaction will be negative.

    Besides if he has a gf... his mentality is probably "okay, so I have a gay friend and that's his business and I respect that"

    seriously.

    I used to be scared about telling people, but the truth is that I'm gay and it's really no one's business but my own. and people respect that.

    Be confident about yourself... it's no biggie :slight_smile:

    you can do it!!!!!!

    oh and btw... I go to university.... in TEXAS!!!!! and i'm telling you... so far 0 negative reactions to my sexual orientation.
     
  6. PatrickPH

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    Thanks for your advice "MrPotato".

    The thing is, I know you are both right and I should tell him... at least eventually. I guess I'm just not ready to hear that... I'll have to give it more thought, and I still have to get to know him more before I dare telling him.
    It would be so much easier if he was bi, was interested, and was picking up at least some of the signals I'm trying to send him. But I can always dream...
     
  7. Leslie Vu

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    Hi PatrickPH. I am in your shoes that I find myself in love with another colleague. I guess that it's not long since you got to know him. You should wait a bit longer to search yourself if that might be a crush and know exactly if he is in love. Working environment is important so you should consider thoroughly. I have been thinking about my feelings and asking myself the same questions as yours many times. For me, the additional difficult thing is expressing myself may affect my work and I am not ready to let it happen. After thinking about it, if you believe in your feelings, you may tell him tenderly. That is who you are and he will respect that.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    Over time, you have developed a closer working relationship with your colleague and the beginnings of a friendship, but the [probable] social anxiety is feeding the shyness and nervousness and stifling your confidence. You talked about visiting a psychologist to address the issues with social anxiety and that may be a good first step. You need to have a feeling of confidence to get on in life and build and nurture relationships with all people, including your attractive colleague.

    When we have strong feelings for another person we become very alert to the subtle signs of connectedness and affection, but we can be blind to issues that may tell a different story. In your case PatrickPH, this is evident from your awareness of smiling during conversation, standing close when talking, friendly sharing of funny stories, the support, encouragement and reassurance he offers and Facebook smilies. Whilst these things together could certainly be signs of a deeper attraction they could equally be friendly gestures and nothing more, because:

    Towards the end of your original posting you offered up the possibility that he may be bisexual or hiding his sexuality with the girlfriend and followed it by saying that you feel like he is THE one. I'm concerned that the intensity of your feelings could be leading you towards speculation that may not match reality. I don't mean that comment to sound harsh or critcial, but you do seem to be quite invested in the relationship with your colleague and it could lead to you getting hurt. Try to pause and take a step back.

    By all means, enjoy the friendliness, warmth and support and maybe in time you will be able to come out to him. If you can address the issues with social anxiety and shyness through therapy it may give you the confidence to do just that.
     
  9. MrPotato

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    Yeah,

    It's going to take a while for you to feel comfortable about sharing your story with people.

    I would suggest you trying therapy if your school offers it. I can honestly tell you that going to therapy was the best decision I made this year. Not only does it help you be more at ease with your sexuality, but it can also give you the confidence boost to actually take some steps out of your comfort zone.

    I'm not saying you need to do this NOW... lol... it took a whole 6 months for me to finally break free... the hardest step is starting a change.

    I wish you the best of luck and hope you can find someone to confide in. :thumbsup:
     
  10. PatrickPH

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    I have always been reluctant to seeing a psychologist, but I am definitely considering it now. And I am financially comfortable, so I can pay for it anyway. I found one which seems good, I just have to convince myself to send him an email...
    Thanks for your help!
     
  11. PatrickPH

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    Thank you for answering me! By the way, I did not intend to "copy" your name when joining! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    First, I totally agree with your point that I'm probably confounding friendly behaviour and attraction. That's what I'm thinking most of the time. If I try to coldly analyze the situation (which is not easy!!), I find some "positive signals" which are the ones that I told you, but definitely I realize they are not much or could mean nothing.
    The thing is, with my low self-confidence and social anxiety, I'm mostly always thinking that people won't like me or won't have any interest for me, so most of the time I have to tell myself to stop being negative like that. But with this "friend/colleague", may be I should really think that it means nothing, so you see how it can get very confusing for me...

    Secondly, I also think that you are right in saying that I should take a step back... And I have tried. But I'm not very successful since everything comes back when I talk with him or see him. Just seeing that I have a new message from him increases my heart rate! :confused: And I have to see him again on Thursday...

    And yes, I'm definitely enjoying his friendliness anyway and could be satisfied with a friendship only. If it's with his girlfriend that he is happy, I can accept that... I don't really have much friends to do things with outside of university/work, so I'm happy to have him.
     
  12. dopplershift94

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    When I told my coworker that I liked him, things were a little awkward between us for a while. but it was me making it awkward. It will be a little weird between you guys, but with time, you'll move on and you guys will laugh about it or even forget about it. I think that if he doesn't take it the same way, then he is a jerk. But none of my coworkers besides him and me know what happened between us. And I don't think that your friend, if he is truly your friend will tell anyone either.
     
  13. PatrickPH

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    I know you’re probably right, and he wouldn’t tell anyone. He seems too nice to do that.
    Plus I don’t think he is the average homophobic straight guy for two reasons:
    1) He likes to compose music, and I found out that he wrote a song in which a LGBT couple was involved... (and not negatively)
    2) He has at least 10 openly gay/lesbian friends on his Facebook (and that’s only for the friends that I know).

    Still, I prefer to wait a little longer, at least until we are closer friends.

    So I saw him again on Thursday… I had to go to work and he was there.
    When I don’t see him for a couple of days, I can go back to thinking of him less frequently (still everyday but at least not every hour!). I didn’t want to talk to him too much (just as I would do with any other pharmacist) to avoid having my crush come back too hard again… but it didn’t work! I must say that HE was the one constantly coming to talk to me about non-work related subjects!! (and MUCH more than the other pharmacists!) So there I go again, still confused as to what I should think of it… :confused:
     
  14. pixelfrontier

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    I agree with the people who say you should come out to him, especially since you say he seems to genuinely like you as a person and there's clear signs he's not homophobic at all. That way you will know right away if you have any chance with him at all, but most importantly, you will have gained a friend you can be yourself with, which will help you build self-confidence and fight social anxiety. Bon courage à toi, Patrick, keep us posted!
     
  15. PatrickPH

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    Hi again!
    Christmas “party” (I would say more “supper”) for the job happened yesterday, which was fun (he is really nice!), but leaving me confused yet again! So I would appreciate your opinion on the confusing facts to come.
    We saw each other a couple of times during the week before, because I had to go to the pharmacy and he was there… We kinda reminded each other that we were going every time (like I say bye, but he says “See you Friday?”, or vice-versa the other time).

    At the party, we were with 2 other male coworkers and were seated with 8 other coworkers (table of 12), and sat down next to each other. We talked together quite a lot during the evening, to the point that a female co-worker mentioned how he was talking way more than usual.

    Now the confusing part:
    1) At one point after eating, he said something that really sounded like, “It’s the first time I go to a supper with a boyfriend”. Now I don’t know if I heard him right with the noise around (probably I haven’t and my brain was playing tricks on me!!). If I really heard right, it seems a little weird that he would say that because we are not boyfriends (not that I wouldn't want to!), and we were not officially going “together” from my POV (apart from asking that the first one to arrive should keep a spot at the table for the other). So I probably must have heard him wrong, isn’t it? I should have asked him to repeat, but I didn’t dare too. I was way too stressed and was thinking super fast on how to react to that. I may have made a mistake, but I just said "Yeah me too", then laughed it off.
    2) My boss offered to bring me back home since I don’t have a car (he lives very close-by). Then my friend is like, “I could have left him home too”. But it really wasn’t on his way so I had to accept my boss’ offer not to look awkward. Wasn’t it weird for my friend to say that from a friend-only perspective or am I just overthinking it?
    3) Well, he still has a girlfriend. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: But he NEVER at all even mentioned her since I know him, isn’t that abnormal? Like wouldn’t he at least once say things like, “Yeah I went there with my girlfriend”…

    I’m not sure how to go from here. There is an exhibition that I want to see at the museum, so I'm thinking of telling him about it and ask if he wants to go next weekend... As you have said before, I should come out to him, but I am still waiting to know him more as a friend first.
     
  16. PatrickPH

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    So I talked to him about the museum today as I had thought, and suggested that we go next weekend, but it didn’t work. Apparently he already has plans with his parents for next weekend, so too bad… :frowning2:
    I probably was hoping for nothing, he’s probably really straight. I think I will try not to talk to him at all (except at work of course) for now and see if/when HE initiates anything.
    Anyway, I will be happy if I just gained a friend at the end…
     
  17. PatrickPH

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    Sorry for another post with almost no progress, but I have no one to talk to about this, so it helps to talk about it here.

    A few things:
    1) I’m so confused with him! I mean, most of the time I think I’m hoping for nothing, but then he does some things that get me thinking again… -_- Eye contact would usually be a flirting sign. But I’ve read that with shy guys (as he most definitely is!), avoiding eye contact might also mean something. And lately what I notice is that we will have normal eye contact, but when we are standing quite close to each other, then he will try to avoid eye contact as much as possible while we talk. But then other times when working together (and facing each other) I see him glimpsing over at me multiple times (ok I do it too assuming he doesn’t notice, but he probably does if I notice when HE does it!). After a couple of times, I looked back at him for a few seconds, so I think he knew he had been caught and he just started saying something. And that’s what he was doing also at Christmas Party! (I think we both caught each other looking “all around the room” but mainly glimpsing at each other multiples times throughout that evening) Also, when we work close to each other, I see him mirroring some of the things I do, like if I stratch my head or something similar. I’m probably looking way too much into details, but I can’t ignore them. Do I look too much into it or could he really be gay/bi?

    2) 2 coworkers (at different times) started teasing us about each other!! :eek: (because of how we are talking more together) That really worries me because I’m not ready to be out, and I am afraid that I might be showing more that what I thought! I tried to look casual and laugh about it, but inside I was like “OMG, no, that must stop!!” Élizabeth kept teasing him about it because she knew it was bothering him, and I’m almost sure he was blushing…

    3) Still no mention at all of his girlfriend?? And we know each other for many months now… Even other colleagues don’t know that he has one. Shouldn’t he have mentioned having a girlfriend when people were teasing him about me??

    4) I have not been able to do anything with him outside of work yet. Should I suggest again doing something eventually? Or wait for him to do it? (which I am not sure would happen considering how shy he seems) Won’t he be suspicious that something is up if I suggest things too frequently or could he see it as friendly behaviour only??

    So that’s all for now, any advice is welcome! :slight_smile:
     
  18. PatrickUK

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    I wonder if you have asked him what his plans for Christmas/New Year are? Presumably, he will be spending some time with his girlfriend? If you haven't asked yet, give it a try.

    Definitely invite him to another event outside of work. As things stand you are friends and that's what friendship is all about (spending time in each others company). There is no reason why he should be suspicious of your motives.
     
  19. PatrickPH

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    lol that should be a good tactic! I will definitely give it a try when I see him in a few days. We are working together on New Year, but I'll try asking him about Christmas.
    I have already tried bringing up many topics when we talked for which it would have been appropriate to mention his girlfriend, but nothing has made him mention her yet.

    Ok I'll follow your advice, but I don't have any idea what I will suggest doing...

    Thanks for your answer, I appreciate it! :slight_smile:
     
  20. MilansMele

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    Aloha, Patrick

    To start, take it slow, simple and easy-going. How about asking him if he wants to go out for coffee or to eat after work? This could be a great opportunity to just talk casually and get to know one another better. Don't go into this with an agenda! Go purely to enjoy the time together.

    My concern is that you are somewhat obsessed with this man and are trying too hard. This, in and of itself may scare him away.

    Slow, simple and easy going, Patrick.

    (My two cents worth.)

    Hope this works out for you.

    ~Milan