Well I never thought I would be writing in one of these type of forums in my life. Growing up I always knew that I had an attraction to woman..My first love was even a girl in high school (well I thought it was my first love)and I thought it was easy to just tell everyone that I was a bisexual. I had boyfriend and girlfriends ya know? No one ever told me how really hard life gets after high school. It is hard to find your true identity as a person outside of the little town you grew up in. I started relying on drugs and drinking because nothing could ever fill the void I had in my heart.. Growing up in church my entire life, it has been instilled in my brain that being gay was wrong. I could never make a lasting relationship work with a girl because this was always in my mind; even to this day I think I will burn in hell for just loving someone. My best friend from high school came out as a lesbian a few years ago and we pretty much fell in love. She has done everything for me for the past two years that I could possibly ever ask her to do..all she wanted was for me to give her my entire heart and I couldn't do it. It had been broken so many times before, and I was going to hell being with her. How could I tell her that? This situation is breaking me down on a daily basis.. I love God..He has really helped me in life in places where I was suicidal..but I love my best friend with everything inside me. I truly believe that once my heart is completely healed and if i could get rid of this stupid voice in my head..I could treat her like the princess she is. I just don't know if its too late. I have ran away from her so many times..I told her I wasn't in love with her because I didn't think I was..I couldn't be ya know? I am slowly loosing her..she is starting to move on I think and our friendship is barely existing. I do not know what to do anymore. Should I just let her walk away? I want her to be happy..but I also feel like she is meant for me. I cant live without her..for anyone who has taken the time to actually read this..thank you. I know its long..I really have been praying and crying my eyes out for the past 3 days. :icon_sad:
I'm sorry to read about your struggles. I understand how difficult it can be for people of faith to accept their sexuality in the face of pious hostility and dogma from some churches. The Bible is often presented in a very slanted and manipulative way to justify some horrible invective towards LGBT people. It defies all common sense and demonstrates a level of biblical illiteracy that's hard to believe. To place great emphasis on the meaning and syntax of any verse from scripture is both naive and dangerous, but it's what so many people within our community encounter from some quarters with the church. Is it really the case that Lesbian or Gay people will burn in hell for their orientation? Is there any basis for accepting this distorted viewpoint? No. Emphatically not. I don't know what church you grew up in, but would I be correct in assuming it to be a rather conservative institution that idolises the Bible, taking at face value its every word and believing it be the inerrant, infallible and unchanging word of God? Would it be fair to say that you have been indoctrinated in that way of thinking since childhood? If so, you have my sympathy. When you have been told for years and years that the Bible is all you need and that it contains the supreme truth in all matters of life and love, it's very hard to shake off that idea, and I can see why you are so conflicted about the love you feel for your best friend. The reality about the Bible is actually quite different, it is not inerrant, infallible or unchanging and it never has been. That's not just my opinion, it is an absolute and undeniable fact that is very easy to demonstrate to anyone with an open mind. Am I saying all of this from a position of unbelief? No, I'm not. I am a gay Christian (there are others on this forum too) who loves God and takes an active role within my own Church. I'm also in a long term relationship with another man and I'm out to the entire congregation. The thing is, I don't elevate the word to a false position and I don't put it above my personal relationship with God. I respect the Bible, but I refuse to mis-quote it to justify prejudice, or place it on a pedestal and close my mind to the reality of life and the modern world and nor should you. You have the right to live and love and the only prayer you need to offer to God is one of thanks for bringing a special person into your life. I hope this alternative perspective has given you some food for thought and I will pray that you can accept this chance to be happy with someone who you clearly love and adore. Go for it without guilt. (*hug*)
I know how you feel. I was the same way in high school I dated guys all through high school and college and had feelings for girls but never acted on them so I just chalked it up to being bi. Well my first gf treated me like I wanted to be treated and was everything I thought I wanted. Needless to say we didn't last for numerous reasons but then I met someone I thought was the love of my life and became one of my best friends and we talked online for almost 4 years before we met and while I thought it was one of the best vacations I had taken when I got back things between us changed and to make a long story short we ended up not speaking for 3 years. I thought I would never be able to move on past her and well low and behold I met my current fiance and I was able to start mending the process of healing my broken heart. While it is still healing I have let her know that I've been through a lot and she knows she doesn't have my entire heart yet she loves me for me with all of my flaws. Point being if you really like your friend and know she is the one for you try talking to her and let her know how you feel. If things were meant to be they will be but sometimes you have to be willing to take a chance.
