I don't know what's wrong with me today. It's probably because we decided to decorate the tree. This was always my favorite part of Christmas (we did it early cause a dinner thing is happening here next weekend), but last year I was doing this in a flat with my ex. Who subsequently ended it when I accepted I was trans and made the decision I was going to transition. I hate that this stuff is getting to me. Is this going to be something I now experience every year? I'm still getting over the guilt/regret that our relationship got screwed up because I spent three years fighting myself. But surely this shit should not be bothering me. I'm in a new relationship and while things aren't perfect (cause let's face it, there is no such thing as a perfect anything. Not even my old relationship with my ex was perfect) I really like the person I'm with. Maybe it was naïve of me to think I could just banish all of it, but I didn't expect this to hit me quite so hard. Today has been a mess of dysphoria and really wishing I could've just identified with my birth assignment. My life would've been more straightforward and simpler. I guess that's obvious though. I'm not in any way questioning that I'm trans, I know that. I can't wait to take hormones already (damn slow NHS waiting lists in the UK). I guess I'm just ranting for no real reason other than to rant.
Hi there! It's quite normal for memories and emotions to come up, especially during something you used to do with somebody who was close to you, and was part of your life. Plus, with having other thoughts come up, it's quite easy to feel overwhelmed. (*hug*) And this might be the reason why you are still becoming emotional. You are still trying to let go of what happened, and be okay with it. Being in a new relationship will help in letting the past be the past. Will you ever forget everything (the good and the not so good things) that happened in your past relationship(s)? Probably not. But you will learn to 'work around it' as time passes. When it comes to life, it's never quite that straightforward and simple but that's okay too. When you think about all the things you have already experienced, you will probably discover that you have become stronger as a person.
