OK... let me start this off by saying that this isn't about my current friends where I am now. This thread is about the friends I'm currently making where I'm hoping to head off to. So basically, I'm in a relationship with this guy (for those among you who know me, you know this fact already) and I'm moving to where he is next year. To do this, I have to leave all the friends I've made here behind and I'm trying to become friends with his friends, trying to get comfortable with them talking to me and with me talking to them. But honestly, I don't think it's working... I talk to maybe one of his five friends as if they were my friend, and even then, it's only when my boyfriend really starts off the conversation. I'm honestly terrified to really talk to them as I'm not that good at making friends, but he insists that it's all going fine, his friends like me, but I don't know if that's true or not... Is there anything anyone can really suggest that I can do that'll help me out? I'm friends with them on Facebook and Snapchat but I don't know what to really do to make them happy to talk to me :help: Thanks Doctorlysomethn~
Hey man! Honestly, I'd say don't sweat it. Once you meet his friends in person, I don't think you will have anything to worry about. That said, it really doesn't matter all that much if they like you or not. Case in point: I am a Federal Park Ranger in the US and my boyfriend of six months is in the US Coast Guard. I am "out and proud" at work but he is not (it's much easier to be gay in Park Service than in the military). As a result of this, he is friends with my friends, but most of his friends don't have a clue I exist... He doesn't have many to be honest. All of my friends, however, pretty much adopted him and now will invite him to parties and stuff even if I am out of town. It was super easy to integrate him into my social life, but they had to meet him in person first. We also met eachother's families, but that is a story for another time. So, TL;DR, don't worry about it, you'll be fine. Just focus on moving and let the rest happen organically. Peace! -The Seeker
It kinda does matter if they do or don't like me :/ The one friend of his, we're meant to all be flatting together in two years time, but that's only if she likes me... My boyfriends best friend... well he's leaving soon... and he and my boyfriend are as close as brothers... they're so similar, but I don't want to do anything that could possibly give him any reason to turn around to my boyfriend and say "I honestly don't like your boyfriend, I don't want him at any of my events" While his other friends aren't as bad, it's not a great importance that I win them over (but is advised as we will be doing a lot of stuff together), I don't want any of them to not like me. They know me, my boyfriend has told them so many stories about me that I've lost count, but they don't know me all that well... they don't know how to act even when talking to me... I've already been called a "sheep shagger" countless times by them with my boyfriend having to jump in because he knows that I hate names like that, or any nickname like that I want to be able to be able to hang out with his two best friends, as well as his two other friends, as though they were my own friends here in NZ, talk to them on social media without having to ask my boyfriend for advice on what they're talking about or what to say I want to be included in what they do and at the moment... I'm not... and I'm honestly finding it so hard to get them to acknowledge me, let alone talk to me
This is an interesting topic. First off, it is a sign of a healthy relationship that your BF wants to involve you with his friends. That being said, there is no guarantee that you will get along with them, that's just the way it is, and no amount of desiring it will change that fact. It is concerning to me that you felt you had to "leave all your friends behind". I think this is a mistake, and I speak from personal experience. During my marriage, my ex-wife either did not approve of my friends or was indifferent to them, making no special effort to welcome them into our family (but I was expected to welcome hers!). The result was a kind of 20-year hibernation from which I emerged after the divorce. I am thankful to this day that my friends would still talk to me after so many years... No one person can meet all of your needs. Let me repeat that: no one person, even your best boyfriend ever, will ever meet all of your emotional and relationship needs. You need your own friends, and perhaps more than ever when you move in with him. If he gets along with them, that's a bonus, but again, there is no guarantee. Make extra efforts to keep in touch with the friends you have, and when you move there, make even more efforts to make new friendships. If your relationship is secure, and your BF is secure in your relationship, he won't object.
I've been told I have quite a bit in common with his friends, we both share the same common interests, apparently I'm all of them all put into one guy, but it's the whole... talking that is keeping me from being on a actual "amazing friend" level I'm not leaving them all behind in that way I'm still going to do everything I can to talk to and partake in my friends lives in any way that I can, but the reality is that I will be physically leaving them all as I'm moving from New Zealand to Australia :lol: I've told my boyfriend that I want to introduce him to my friends as our lives in Australia forever are not guaranteed XD We might get there, take a trip to New Zealand and he wants to fully move here If that happens, then he'll get along perfectly with my friends (this I know for a fact) I will, he's being here for me every step of the way up to my move to Aus in April, and once I get there, he'll fully understand my finding other friends He has so many that he talks to which I'm completely fine with (I encourage it when he tells me he's talking to friends) and I know that he'll do the exact same for me, as he's done it already, even here on this site
I second what Greatwhale says, you do need to have your own set of friends, and have a degree of independence. Building a group of new friends after having moved will take time. But you can start by networking with your boyfriends friends, and meet friends of thiers, join other groups, and so on and so on. If you followed some of my threads, you will read how a few months back I was looking to build a network of new friends given most of my friends thus far have been through work or my career. I took a systematic approach to it - I met friends of acquaitences, I joined social groups to meet new people, I had numerous coffe "dates" (already have a boyfriend, this was strictly to make new friends) and just last weekend I had a small dinner party at my place with a group of new friends that I have been making (without my partner whom was traveling for work). It takes time and effort, but very much achievable!
Ok, ok... It does matter if they like you or not. I guess what I was trying to say was, now that you have a boyfriend, his approval matters more than his friends' although I can see how you'd be worried that their opinion could sway his... However, living with one of them does change things a bit, and I do understand why you want to get to know this person before you move in with them; both for your sake and also for Kael's. If he's as much like your boyfriend as you say he is then I doubt you have anything to worry about. I would caution you not to try too hard though, some people make friends better in person than online (my boyfriend's sister is a good example of this) and it can be a turn off if someone keeps trying to contact them via that medium. My advice would be to keep an open line of communication about this with Kael and express your worries and your doubts about being ignored by his friends. Your boyfriend knows his friends best after all, and if he doesn't think they'll have a problem with you then they probably won't. I didn't have a worry in my mind when I introduced my boyfriend to my best friends from college... I figured if they like me, then they will certainly will like him (we're eerily alike). I was right, and he was accepted very quickly. Moving to a new place is always intimidating, and I know what you mean by "leaving your friends behind". I have moved seven different times in the past five years, and two of those were spent on a different continent (Africa). I left behind circles of friends in each place, and it's actually been really cool to see who stays in contact with me. So, don't worry too much, talk to Kael, and good luck on your big move!
TheSeeker, I know exactly what you mean by people making friends better in person than online XD Kael has one friend who won't believe I exist until she finally see's me XD XD XD So it's hard to really talk to her because since she doesn't really believe that I'm real or trust me all that much as she's being a bit protective of Kael as her one friend got hurt when she met someone she'd been talking online to for ages in person and found out that they were lying to her... As for actually MAKING friends... I'm not really the best in that regard :/ I literally find someone I want to meet, freeze up, forget everything I want to say, look insane as I'm sitting or standing there with a shocked look on my face trying my hardest to remember what even the most basic things to say were, and in the worst cases, end up ignoring them as I can't even talk
Just want to point out that i didn't really read the whole thread, just skimmed through it. Friendship! Don't force it... Seriously, put yourself in the shoes of your boyfriend's friends... They are being introduced to this new person, who is so important to their friend. They are expected to like you, they don't know how to react, forcing themselves to like you, without actually getting to know you first. Trying too hard to appeal to someone, latching on to common interests and thinking that these similarities are enough to contribute to a strong friendship, is something that will backfire pretty quickly. Be a good friend, don't appear desperate, as that can also be a turnoff. And you do seem quite desperate... I mean, i personally would not want to be your friend, if i knew your agenda. As for old friends, why must you cut ties with them? There are tons of options for online communication, and it's not like you are never going back, are you? Also, the whole "oh, our future depends on whether this one girl likes me", is a terrible game plan.
The thing is Shinji, it's more... I don't know how to act in front of them, I don't know what to say, what to do. I don't want to cling to my boyfriend the entire time and be one of those gross dicks that won't leave their partners side, I want to have fun with them all, I want to be able to talk to them all as if they have been my friends as long as they have been my boyfriends Almost all of them have talked to me in some way, they've asked me questions about myself, I answered them truthfully, and they've made their own minds about me. I just want to find a way to be able to just... talk to them, without my boyfriend starting the conversation because I'm honestly too scared to. I want to be able to message them and be able to have a nice conversation with them I have no "agenda" no "plan" no "scheme" no nothing. I want to be their friend because I want to, not because my boyfriend wants me to. However, I don't know what to say to them because I am shy by nature, I don't like the idea of opening up to people because I've tried that and have only gotten hurt And I never said I'm cutting ties with all my current friends. Just the ones who I never really talk to. My closest friends I'm sticking with throughout the entire thing, we're arranging when we can Skype, we're still going to talk on Facebook, shit like that And it's not "our future together". It's "our living arrangements" as it does rely on the girl (who already does like me but wants to see what I'm like in person) to give the final say as she's the one who is flatting with my boyfriend, he wants me there and they both must agree to it so that's why I want to win her over completely. We've talked already, we've laughed, she's a good friend but I want to be her great friend.
One of the best ways to break the ice with people, is to be curious about them, not just what their job is, but also what kind of food they like, sports, etc. It takes a lot of pressure off when your focus is not on yourself, but on them. Ask open-ended questions (the kind that can't be answered by a yes or a no), smile a lot, use their name often, be curious about them, dig deeper if they say something that genuinely interests you. People love to hear their own name, and they are more comfortable talking about themselves. Listen actively, as if they were the most important person in the world...it makes a difference. One of the best books on this topic is How to Make Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie (you would be amazed how this old book has been able to change lives). Take the time to read it and practice what it preaches, it could just change your own life!
