My husband and I were married last April (Ontario Canada). He is 47 and I am 48. We both remember a time when it was necessary topick and choose times when we could be out and other times when it was best to remain in the closet. Thankfully, times have changed and it is now a safe time to be out in Ontario. We are blessed with wonderfully supportive family and friends. Something happened last week that bothered me a bit. My husband and I met a former coworker of his while shopping...he introduced me as his "friend". He later explained that when they worked together, nobody with whom he worked knew that he was gay. This past weekend we attended my workplace Christmas party. Everybody with whom I work knows that I am gay, married, in love with a wonderful man. After dinner was a dance. I special song started and I asked my husband to dance...he said "no". He later explained that he didn't know anybody there and he didn't feel comfortible. Are we not beyond this? I don't want my husband to do anything that makes him feel uncomfortible, and I don't want to sound petty. Any suggestions on how I can approach him with this subjest? Has any other couples faced this mindset?
Hey Quill, welcome to EC! It is sometimes hard to let go of old habits, and hiding one's relationship when it was not accepted is a hard one to break. I would suggest meeting him halfway, yes, it would be wise to accept his discomfort, but ask him to try being a little more open in safer venues where the likelihood of being bothered about it is very low. Part of loving someone is respecting who they are and who they wish to become. Respect his fear, acknowledge it, discuss it with him and ask him in which exact contexts he is less comfortable. Before going somewhere, negotiate a little, ask for what you want, give a little, get a little. If seen in the right light, this can be an excellent opportunity to strengthen your relationship by improving the way you communicate. It's not easy for someone to admit he is afraid, this requires an unusual degree of vulnerability, so when discussing this, do it privately, and with loving kindness.
Wise advice GW, thank you. I love him more than I ever thought possible and I don't doubt his love for me. I just don't want him to be afraid anymore. We will definately have a discussion, as I was planning to do. However, I think that your suggestion of taking some time to negotiate prior to an event is a wonderful suggestion. It will allow us to consider the individual dynamics of the particular event. Thank you
I am out to everyone, including my entire company. I am bringing my partner to our holiday party in short order as well. That said, dancing would not be on the agenda for us. For one, my partner actually does not like PDA; second, I am still taking baby steps myself as it relates to being completely out, so I am not comfortable with the idea of dancing. I think it works for both of us.
