Hi. My girlfriend and I are together for nearly a year. We are not married, but both have expressed positive feelings about it happening one day. We never believed in marriage or understood why people want it until we met each other. She is the love of my life (she said I am hers too). Her mom on the other hand, is a terrible person. She is the most (or one of the most) nasty, mean, miserable, self-centered, aggressive, bitchy, childish, big mouthed, impulsive, jealous, inconsiderate, interfering, moody, quick-tempered, rude, selfish, tactless, manipulative and vague person I have every met. She comes to our house as a visitor and we all need to serve her. We feel like we are her babysitters. Get me this, get me that... My girlfriend tells me it's annoying but does nothing about it.. Her mother always has a ton to say about the way we decorated our home or where we placed certain things.. She just never shuts up. My girlfriend is the most loving, caring, amazing person I know and believe will every know and she talks to her mother every single day. Her mom always complains about life, about her job (which she had just lost today because of her big mouth) and instead of saying Thank You to her daughter for always being there for HER and always listening to HER and always trying to make HER feel better about herself, all her mother does is bring her down. Her mother calls her names, says how she isn't in her top priority, how she doesn't care about her, how she is lonely, how selfish she is (my girlfriend) and whatnot.. Cries on the phone hangs up. She has no friends (because she is such a bitch and can't be happy for anyone or understating), her father helps support her (at age 54) and she shows near to zero gratitude to her father (but as long as she makes sure her daughter who she treats like absolute shit licks her feet all is good and she is a saint). She refuses to take her daughters advice when she cries on the phone (which is to go out once in a while, sign up to an online dating website, relocate to a more central area where she can meet more people) and she just yells back not wanting to hear anything. She can't expect anything to happen if she just sits at home feeling sorry for herself. When my girlfriend was drugged a day before she was supposed to visit her mother (who doesn't live far away!!) at a bar after I got home (nothing happened to her thank god because we live really close to the bar) all her mother cared about when my girlfriend called her to tell her she isn't coming because she doesn't feel good is how my girlfriend can't keep her word to her and how she doesn't care and how she is this and that and calling her names... My girlfriend never sticks up for herself when it comes to her mother. I understand that part of the reason that she is such a strong, caring, selfless and loving woman she is today is because of that, because she practically had to raise her mother and always be there for her and always take care of her. She knows very well how to stand up for herself when she needs to. She is not afraid or shy at all, but when it comes to her mother, she kind of gives into her mothers hunger for bringing her down with her and trying to make her feel bad and calling her names and making herself the victim all the time. Her mother is ALWAYS the victim of everything that goes on in her life. And my girlfriend just takes it and says sorry sorry and when they finish the call my girlfriend is like back to normal. I seem to be hurt by her mothers phone calls to my girlfriend more than she is. It baffles me how she just jumps back to normal after such a horrible phone call as if nothing. It bothers me a lot (as you can tell) and I don't know what to do or say to share this with my girlfriend. Her mother is her mother and she is not going to change or go away, but can't my girlfriend at least react in a different way that stands up for herself? A way that says "hey, I'm always here for you and I'm always listening to you and you never seem to appreciate anything I do, so stop right there I am not going to listen to this anymore."? Talking to my girlfriend will just make her feel bad about it and it's not going to change her mother, but I want her to react differently to her mothers insults and manipulations. I want her to stands up for herself. I'm not sure exactly what advice I'm really asking for, this is more of a rant, but if you have any advice I would love to read it. Thank you
Uh, are you sure your not talking about my mother? Do I have a sister I was unaware of? Coming from a very similar family dynamic, only your partner will be able to come to terms with how to best deal with her mother. I would do my best to be patient with your partner, and at all costs, do not let her mother come between you and your partner. I am sure your soon to be mother in law will do everything in her power to try and drive a wedge between the two of you. If you antagonize your partner, you lose; if you do nothing, you lose just the same. Its a very fine line you need to walk. Reinforce with you partner how much you love her and express an openess to work with your partner to find a solution that works for the both of you. Because if she goes on driving you crazy, that's a loosing proposition as well. Wish I had better advice. One day, in the future, your partner will most likely realize that she needs to live her own life and get out from under her mothers shadow, regardless of how painful that might be for her.
First of all, thank you for you comment, I appreciate it. My girlfriend is 25 years old, I wish I do but I find it hard to believe that she will realize she needs to live her own life. Her mother is a very manipulative person and she has got my girlfriend on a leash at all times. She believes that because it is her mother then it is normal and is OK to tell and share and talk half an hour more or less each day and listen to her problems. Maybe it is, I don't know, my mother and I are close but we don't share every detail on what we ate, what we are doing, what we were doing, who were we talking to, where we werere or are etc..
How about creating some forced space or independence? Set some boundaries with your partner as to how and when you would be ok being with her mother, but discuss with her the need for you to have your own space. Discuss it in a way that does not challange your partners relationship with her mother, but in a way searching for a reasonable accommodation?
I tried a few times but her mom has her own mind and will do and say what ever she wants to. It is not my girlfriends fault, but I think it might help if she would make clear rules and NOT LET HER CROSS THEM. Her mother stayed over a few months ago and and my girlfriend put food in the microwave for all three of us. It was the second day her mother was staying at us. My girlfriend took the food out of the microwave and brought it to bed for her and I. Her mom started a huge fight over the fact that she didn't bring her her food. (Because she needs attention). She yells at her, calls her a selfish horrible daughter, cries and tells her to shut the door. After about 15 minutes she comes out of "her room" and acts as if nothing just happened. It drives me mad. And of course my girlfriend went along with it and suddenly everything was ok. The point of me telling this story is she will do and act however she wants because she knows she can shit my girlfriend over nothing and she will do nothing about it and keep going on as if nothing.
I got it, trust me. I totally get it. This really does describe my mother to a T. I have learned not to give in to her selfishness, not to reinforce her need for attention and to call her out on her BS when I see it. It took me a very long time to get here, but had I not, she would have destroyed all of the relationships around me (she has come very close at times). Only hard lessons from experience will resolve your partners inability to push back I am afraid to say. I really struggle to see how anything you do or say can help it get through to your partner that she needs to stop pandering to her mother without it coming to a state of risking your relationship with her. And as I eluded to previously, thats a dangerous proposition. In fact, I spoke with a therapist once, and was advised that my mother was most likely clinicly ill, that helped me put a lot into perspective.
Clinically ill you mean Major or Manic depression? Because if so, my girlfriend believes that's what she has and her mother doesn't want to seek help.
Borderline Personality Dissorder (BPD)... also known as "Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder" by some journals.
Thank you for your help and advice. I am writing myself notes to a conversation I'm going to have with my girlfriend about this. Her mother is probably coming to sleep over in a couple of days. I believe our relationship and love is strong enough to go through this, it will probably bring up a fight and she will probably get insulted and hurt by this, but I just cannot keep going as if nothing. Do you ahve any advice on what to say? or more importantly, what not to say?
Several key messages: 1. You lover her and support her 2. You are struggling with your relationship with her mother (I would avoid putting her on the defensive by saying your struggling with her relationship with her mother) 3. The way her mother acts is not normal, and her mother may not be able to help herself 4. But you can not sit ideally by as the situation, left unchanged, has the ability to interefer with the relationship between each of you 5. How can we set some boundaries so you can have the relationship you want with your mother, while allowing me to avoid the potential for continious interference?
your MIL sounds like my ex wife with the "need" for making others feel like crap to make herself feel better. distance is the only thing i can recommend. her mother, my MIL, used to do the critizing, "but im only trying to help....." crap till i said one day this is my home as well as my wife's, if anyone and i mean anyone comes here to complain about our home should either leave that at the door or not enter. went over like a lead ballon, but it worked.
(Sadly for me) she won't distance herself from her mother because she always has this fear that if her mother does something to herself she won't be able to forgive herself.. Basically what she is saying is that she rather be a punching bag.
i was thinking about distance for you as well as her. i had to do that with the MIL, for my own sanity, and her safety:lol: because i could have strangled her at times. about all you can offer your girl friend is a soft shoulder to cry on, a kind heart, and all your love. we can't fix everything as much as we want to. hope this helps.(*hug*)
if her mom won't go, and she probably won't based on what you've written maybe she could go herself to get some coping tools to deal with her mom or you could both go. to show her your support and maybe to get some coping tools for yourself. couldn't hurt.
Good idea but I think my girlfriend will laugh (well not exactly laugh, but might find it humorous) for suggesting that, because she thinks she has it all under control. In my opinion, she is just making matters worse by giving in to her mothers manipulations and tantrums.
Hi LS213 I have often described my in-laws as the type of people that give psychopaths a bad name, even to my wife (married and gay - long story). My wife was emotionally in a really bad place until she decided to have nothing to do with her family. She has had no contact with them now for over 20 years and she could not be happier, despite being married to a gay man. All I could do for my wife at the time was be there for her. I know what you are going through and I feel for you.
