Thanks for taking the time to read this as I feel like I just need some :help: First off, I'm a 23 y.o. male. I don't really know what orientation I'd consider myself but bisexual seems like a place to start. I've always had some level of attraction to women but currently I'm in my first relationship which is with a boy (its been about 9 months) and we're trying the distance thing since we now live on opposite sides of the country. However, I've been getting some, for lack of a better description, ashamed feelings after we talk (or what have you) about the sexual part of our relationship. These feelings almost always happen afterwards. I like being with him, and c'mon, who doesn't like having sex. But I cant help but think, maybe since this is my first relationship, some part of my mind is only in it for the sexual contact, which wouldn't be fair to him. I do feel like i love him but these feelings just make everything so weird and I really just want to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Should I just cut it off now and try to see if a relationship with a woman is any different? Will these feelings go away once we're closer together again? Sorry if this explanation is completely not understandable but I will try to clarify if you want/need. Thank you for anything you can provide. I'm so lost with what to do.
Hi, and welcome. You're totally in the right place. For guys who are just coming to terms with who they are, it is very, very common to have feelings of shame, disgust, and even self-hatred particularly right after orgasm and ejaculation. There's a biochemical reason for this: the hormones that are released during sex or masturbation that make you feel good... abruptly drop off after orgasm. (From an evolutionary perspective, if this weren't the case, we'd never stop fucking...) So for someone who is first experiencing same-sex experiences... you combine the hormonal/biochemical pattern that's there regardless with uncomfortable feelings that all of us have as a result of media, organized religion, and other messages we get growing up... and it is no wonder you have the feelings you do. It doesn't mean you aren't gay or bi. It just means you are still coming to terms with those feelings. If you are enjoying the connection with him, and finding the (presumably cyber-)sexual experiences, then it seems pretty likely you're gay or at least on the gay side of bi. So the main thing is to just remind yourself there's nothing wrong with enjoying yourself sexually with another guy, and with loving and appreciating yourself for loving another guy. I'm confident the feelings will go away as you come to love and accept yourself more. I seriously, seriously doubt that it is because you're only in this for the sexual experiences. Please keep us informed... talking about your experience will be helpful to you, but will also benefit the many, many other people who read the EC forums.
Perfect answer to your concerns. Don't worry about sexual orientation. Just do what you feel is right and what you love I hope the best for you and your partner!
Thanks for the encouragement! It is much appreciated. I'm hoping that once we don't have to be on opposite sides of the country that will help a lot. Does anyone have any advice about how to better accept yourself? It definitely doesn't seem like the easiest thing for someone who grew up in a pretty religious family.
Two suggestions: 1. Joe Kort's amazing book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has almost nothing to do with finding real love but everything to do about understanding and loving youurself. You don't have to be gay to benefit from it; bi guys will benefit too. 2. Brené Brown's TED talk videos. You can find them on Youtube, and I'd suggest "The Power of Vulnerability" and "Listening to Shame" About 18 minutes each, and give you a pretty good understanding of the issues that get in the way of loving and accepting yourself. If her presentation connects with you, I'd recommend "The Gifts of Imperfection", one of her books, to expand on the TED talk.
