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Friends are judgemental butts; what to do?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Mysz, Dec 11, 2014.

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  1. Mysz

    Mysz
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    To use a more polite term. I've switched universities and made a group of friends, but they're all kind of dicks; people that in other circumstances, I would never speak to, but somehow we all came together under the stress of advanced studies and shared nationalities in a strange country.

    They accept my sexuality, but then marginalize others. For example, if I were a gay male, they'd be bullying me instead of supporting me. A couple of them make a lot of transphobic jokes, rape jokes, and only talk to women if they're attractive by their standards. Two of them are cruel to one to the point where I'm not sure if they're actually his friends. There's a line between friendly teasing and outright bullying, and I'm quite sure they've crossed it, using the word 'gay' as an insult and repeatedly telling him that he has no dick, that he should just admit to himself that he likes bending over for people, and other things I don't feel comfortable writing. I've stopped drinking and going to clubs with them because 1. Clubs in this country are no fun for LGBTQ anyway, and 2. I just can't watch one of them try picking up women anymore, you do NOT offer a lady you're dancing with a shady-looking drink from your jacket. I know him well enough by now to know that he would never drug a drink, but he has openly admitted and is even proud of how many women he's hooked up with by getting them drunk. What an asshat! :bang:

    I like people; all people, and we get along because they're not complete assholes all of the times. Aforementioned asshat likes cute animals and we like a lot of the same shows, and always makes sure that if we go out, no guy is making me uncomfortable at the club. I study with the others, go for coffee, dinner, sit with them in lecture and practicals, etc. They can be nice. They have it in them. But some of the things they say and do... I'd like to stay friends with them; we have six years together, after all, and I do not wish to make enemies so early on; but at the same time their attitudes really bother me. :icon_sad: One time the subject of rape came up while we were waiting for some specimens to get wheeled in to class and one of my- I hesitate to use the word- friends said "Well, she was practically asking for it." and meant it. I really needed to restrain myself from hitting him.

    Sorry if you've read this far. It doesn't even have the decency of being an organized rant; just a mess of frustrations. I just cannot figure out what to do in a situation like this. Six years ahead, and losing patience in the first half of the first one. :icon_sad:
     
    #1 Mysz, Dec 11, 2014
  2. Chriswe

    Chriswe
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    Well, maybe you should talk to them about how you feel? It might open their eyes a little. A lot of people joke about way too serious/offensive things and someone got to let them know that it's not okay. Just my opinion, and I know it's hard to actually have a serious talk to someone that is your "half-friend" I'm in a similar situation. Good luck
     
    #2 Chriswe, Dec 11, 2014
  3. wasgij

    wasgij
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    Are you sure it's not an age related thing? Maybe I'm just getting old, but Polish people around university age seem incredibly immature by some western standards. And they've been brainwashed by the church. Maybe call them out on their prejudice from that angle? Maybe say something like "did your priest tell you to be homophobic?" or "homophobic during the week, pleasuring the priest on Sunday". You know, something that will register in their 14 year old brains, which you can have fun with.:lol: Many young people seem critical of the catholic church, so it could just be ignorance.

    Also, if that's your real picture, pretty much anything you do will be a serious power move. Guys will learn to obey your wishes :icon_wink (but maybe don't tell them about the lesbian thing too quickly. Mankind needs false hope...)
     
    #3 wasgij, Dec 16, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2014
  4. mangotree

    mangotree
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    One thing I've noticed about uni students is they generally love to debate.
    So maybe research some of the topics that your "friends" are ignorantly talking about and have an educated debate with them about it.
     
    #4 mangotree, Dec 16, 2014
  5. EpicConfusion

    EpicConfusion
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    Srop hanging out with them as soon as you can. Try to make a few new friends. I don't think you want to be assosciated with these type of people.
     
    #5 EpicConfusion, Dec 17, 2014
  6. kindy14

    kindy14 Guest

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    They sound like typical immature males to me. The tormenting of friends is dog pack behavior and someone has to be the alpha and omega parts of the pack...

    They are acquaintances you should be socializing with for academic purposes, but I wouldn't for any other reason.
     
    #6 kindy14, Dec 17, 2014
  7. LibraryKitten

    LibraryKitten
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    The thing that jumps out at me the most is the fact that they seem to accept your orientation, but if you were a guy they would be so cruel. All things considered, it doesn't seem like they truly "accept" your orientation. There are a lot of straight guys out there, typically who haven't met many lesbians before or who tend to lean misogynistic in general, who tend to exoticize and eroticize lesbians. It's like they want to to try to get a "lesbian" to sleep with them as if it's some kind of "challenge" that will prove their own worth as a man. I don't know these particular people personally, so it would be hard for me to judge if that is the case for them, but from the information you have given me here, I'm suspicious. Hopefully they'll grow out of it. If you're willing to put the extra stress on yourself to try to open their eyes, they could probably learn a lot just from being your friend. You might "humanize" lesbians (and maybe even other women and lgbtq people) for them. But it's up to you to decide if it's worth it to you to spend your time that way. If they aren't really your friends and you can't rely on them to be there for you when it matters, don't waste your energy on them. It's not your job to broaden their horizons just because you're the first (or one of the first) minority of your kind that they have ever met.
     
    #7 LibraryKitten, Dec 17, 2014
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