1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I need help understanding my relationship... some LDR experience out there?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bmayne, Dec 11, 2014.

  1. bmayne

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2014
    Messages:
    25
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    so hopefully this is not too long. well im 22 now, in the military and met this guy on a dating app over a year ago when i was home. he is 30 now. he was amazing, i fell in love right away(this also my first love, and real relationship). we talked every day, i came home to see him for thanksgiving and christmas. and thats when he asked me to be his boyfriend, i was so happy. and thinking back, it really was amazing. we text alot, and i love him so much, we can tell its going somewhere. me not having a say in where i live, its long distance. im now in California and its very long distance. he just came to visit me last month for a few days, we had fun. we always talk about how hes going to wait for me to be done here (3 years)and us both talking about how we can wait.

    but this time and the last time i saw him i noticed something. i didint feel the same. wasn't as fun? how do i describe this feeling? im not obsessed with him as much? he seems to be gaining a small bit of weight, and maybe does not sexually satisfy me as much anymore? i dont feel like he does. is this subconscious? i love him and id hate to hurt him; nor do i want to date him for 3 years and come home and find out it wont work out. we have spend more time away than together.( we have probably spent less than 2 months together, maybe 1) when we talk about seeing each other and how its going to feel, i get so excited! and when i see him i feel about half of that. im still happy and excited but i just dont feel the same.

    possibly its the distance doing this? or just we are not meant to be?

    can anyone provide some advice? some experience?

    ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2014 at 09:07 PM ----------

    sorry double posted this

    ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2014 at 09:14 PM ----------

    another thing, i dont think he feels the same way. but how would i know?
     
  2. Quem

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2014
    Messages:
    1,288
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Netherlands
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey bmayne! :icon_bigg I'm in a long distance relationship, so I'll give it a go!

    (However, I think that people who are not in one, can also give advice)

    You've been together with him for some time already. =) In the beginning, everything is new (and thus exciting). But now, fewer things are new now. =]

    For me, when I fell for my love, it was very exciting not knowing whether he loved me back. It was also a bit of an uncomfortable feeling, we both couldn't take that at some point (so he told me he liked me more than a friend). :icon_bigg Then, we started to get to know each other even more, we made plans and all that. :slight_smile: Right now, with us, it's more like "This is all we want, the life we will have. We'll make it work. :slight_smile: ". In the beginning it's more like "Gosh he's so amazing!!". Personally, I love this so much. We get determined to spend our lives together (though I must confess that this happened very soon with us :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: ).

    You give another reason, his weight, which might play a role. You could indeed find him less attractive. It could even come to a point where you think "it's a shame he gained weight" (as in, you think of him as he was, rather than as he is now). There are 2 things you can do (or a combination of the two). The 1st is accepting that he's gaining weight, and the 2nd is trying to make him lose some weight. It could be a very sensitive issue for him, I don't know that, so you should decide what is best for you two. =)

    I think the expectations may be too high. If you picture it as perfect, you might be disappointed in seeing that things are not like that. =) My boyfriend and I have yet to meet in person. We can imagine our first kiss as perfect, but we don't do that. We know that it's very possible (or even likely) that it will be clumsy in a way, or that we/one of us will be nervous. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: You should try to keep the expectations as realistic as possible. :icon_bigg

    It could be, I'm not sure. For my boyfriend and me, the distance is something we need to overcome, and it's something we will overcome. :icon_bigg He said "time is on our side" which is very true. We'll have to wait, but it will be totally worth it. :icon_bigg

    For the "meant to be" part, it depends on how you see it. =) I did say to my boyfriend that we are meant to be together, it's so obvious for us that we need each other! :icon_bigg I don't know your way of viewing the statement, so I can't tell (nor do I want to, because it's not up to me to decide it. The only thing I'll do, is giving you advice, so that you can make a good decision).

    This is rather simple, yet complicated as well.. Tell him. Simply tell him how you feel, that you struggle with it. You should not keep this to yourself, you should work on it together. It can be complicated, I know. I share everything with my boyfriend and he shares everything with me, and it works perfectly well for us. :icon_bigg
     
  3. Filip

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2009
    Messages:
    2,355
    Likes Received:
    105
    Location:
    Belgium, EU
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, part of it is probably something that happens in every relationship, whether it's in person or LDR.

    When you first meet someone, it's the perfect hormonal storm. You're wild about them, everything is new, everything is a first time, everything they tell you about themselves is a discovery, and every time you kiss or hav sex it feels like the first time.

    And then, after a couple of months to years, it starts to lose the freshness. You can do a lot of fun things still, but much of it becomes variations on a theme. Not every story they tell you is new anymore. And even sex occasionally strays into repetitiveness.
    Also: this is actually something that can be measured. When you're fresh into a relationship, you do actually have more hormones in your blood to keep the temper hot and to make your mind gloss over the boring stuff. Oh, it's there. You just don't notice it as much.


    This does seem to happen pretty much independently of how long you're physically together. If you're spending every day together, it takes about a year, and if you're spending a few weeks together over the course of an LDR... it takes roughly the same time.

    So part of it might be going on here. The initial rush and the newness wore off, and now you're noticing stuff that you didn't before. When you're planning, you're planning a perfect week together, and when it actually happens, you notice the boring moments. You're not continuously high on your own hormones, so the physical attraction comes a bit slower.


    Now: that doesn't need to be a bad thing. Love starts out like a raging bonfire, but raging bonfires are unsustainable. Afterwards it can become a warm campfire, which can keep you warm for a long time. And in the soft light of the camp fire, you can see details that were drowned out by the brightness of the bonfire.


    To give a personal example: yeah, the initial excitement between me and my boyfriend has died down, despite it being long-distance enough that meeting up needs to be planned weeks in advance. We know most of each other's background by now, we started noticing that neither of us is exactly a supermodel, and on some evenings, we essentially go "well, we could have sex, but let's just have a good night's sleep instead!".
    Yeah, boring :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    On the other hand, there's a lot of perks. We've been through some good and bad times already, so I know can count on him. There is a certain cuddly warmness to knowing there's this special other person out there who loves me. I know that he understands me without explanation needed (and vice versa). Despite noticing he's not a supermodel, there's tons of little things about him I could point to that make him typical. Etc...


    So yeah: over time of being in a relationship, you win some, you lose some. And the only guaranteed way to keep always newly excited is to switch to a new partner every year or so. But then you lose the cosy warmness of having a special person you've been through bad and good times with.

    That's not to say that you should stay with this guy no matter what. But in part, this does sound fairly normal. So in part, the solution is accepting that the excitement doesn't all come by itself anymore.
    Also, you might want to plan some stuff off the beaten path when meeting up. Go on a city trip together. Do something you've never done before. Mix things up a bit. See each other in different situations.

    And, Quem is totally right: it does help to talk about it. I guarantee you: everyone has doubts. But if this relationship is to work, it helps to get some of them out in the open. There's nothing wrong with ocasionally honestly discussing where you are and where it's going. Not as a list of complaints but just as a series of thoughts to discuss together!