1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Another confused by feelings & don't know what to do thread

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Tardis221B, Dec 12, 2014.

  1. Tardis221B

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2014
    Messages:
    312
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West coast U.S.
    So I don't really know what i feel for my guy best friend.

    But, I know we probably wouldn't work out as a couple in the long run. I might have feelings for him, but is it fair to settle for someone or have someone settle for you when they aren't sure if they have romantic feelings or not. This might be acceptable if you start casually dating someone, but for me I wouldn't want to risk hurting such a good friendship.

    And as he is romantically attracted to girls, and I might not be attracted to guys; I'd hate to get his hopes up- to have him invest emotionally in the relationship, only to have me realize that I don't have those feelings. His friendship means far too much to me to risk over "maybe feelings". But should I tell him about my maybe feelings?

    I'm probably asexual/gray-a (towards men, and maybe even towards women . . .) whereas he's straight. So that would be one major strain in the relationship and create tension. He wants kids, and I have no desire to ever have children. (The only way I'd ever consider having kids is adoption or if my partner were the one pregnant - obviously not possible as he is a cis-gender male.) He's a dog person, I'm a cat person. ect . . .

    I want him to be in a relationship with someone who gets giddy when he texts them, can't speak around him because she's worried about impressing him, and who wants to look nice for him; I don't really feel any of those things towards him.

    When I'm around him I'm snippy, snarky, sarcastic, blunt, and sometimes even a bit crass. My close female friendships I treat more delicately, like they are a precious gem. I don't know the sarcasm is myself hiding from my feelings or if they just don't exist.

    My feelings for him are, a form unconditional love and an intense bond that I've felt between us since I first met him. And as crazy as this might sound, I often I feel like he is a soulmate of mine. There are very few people who I can spend time with and not feel drained. They are very few people who make me feel better just by having them in the same room, they are very few people who I am open and honest with about everything, they're are vey few people who make me want to be a better person, and there are very few people who make me smile just knowing that they exist.

    And even though it makes me uneasy to see him with or talking about other girls, I know that they can love him in ways that he needs and in ways that I can't. And even though it hurts, I want what's best for him, and sadly what's best for him is probably not me.


    Well, thats all. Sorry if this was a bit lengthy. . .

    But do you think its worth mentioning any of this to him or is this just pointless as I would probably never do anything about it . . .
     
  2. phoenix89

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,121
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Youngstown, Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If you feel up to to it, an honest conversation with him might be helpful for the both of you. I had/have feelings for my best friend. We tried dating and it didn't workout, distance sucks!

    After we broke up, him and I talked about what we wanted to do about our friendship, and we decided to remain best friends. It is possible to remain friends if you breakup with someone, however, it requires open communication. I can't stress the open communication helps, whether it is telling him about your feelings or if you two decided to try dating.
     
  3. Sek

    Sek
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2014
    Messages:
    372
    Likes Received:
    2
    From what I read, I think you've got deep platonic feelings for him that you're confusing romantic feelings with. I'm not sure if this is true, but maybe you haven't felt so deeply for someone you're not romantically involved with before and now you subconsciously think that means you should be in a relationship. It isn't the case at all..

    If you can admit that a relationship probably wouldn't work out then now is not the time to enter one. A relationship that starts with doubts can only cause problems later on. But maybe you should talk to him and put your feelings out there slowly - admit that you deeply care about him and see how he reacts, since it's possible he could erase some of your doubts.

    I would say to take things slowly and play it by ear since you're entering unknown territory and I don't think you want to lose him if you don't get together.
     
  4. Tardis221B

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2014
    Messages:
    312
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    West coast U.S.
    Thanks @Sek. And I know you're right. It is solely platonic feelings, which I know can be intense as well, but nonetheless they are not romantic.

    Also I've actually never been in a relationship with anyone, so thats one of my big issues here with understanding everything. At 20 I've still never been kissed, never was asked to a dance, and only this October went on my first date. (Blind date with a girl - it didn't end up working out). (none of this bugs me as I don't place importance on romance/sex, but I don't have a solid frame of reference to compare my theory to.)

    My friend most definitely knows that I care about him deeply. I tell him all the time. He's the only friend who I've ever felt comfortable telling (in spoken words) that I love him. (And the reason I always had a hard time telling girls I love them is because the word hold a much different weight for me when its directed at women.) Of course I love him, he's like a brother - in fact I consider him family - but you're right, its not romantic.

    Also anything would be a moot point now as we have one week left of the semester, and then I'm leaving to study abroad for a semester.