Ok let me start by saying that a little over a year ago I met an older cousin (older meaning 39 years older) and I really clicked with him. However I was quickly disappointed when he told me that he's "not small" about half an hour after meeting him and asked me if I was. I told him he didn't need to know. He was shocked I said this but wanted to get to know me badly so he apologized. I felt a bit creepy about this. Later on I found out we had a lot in common as far as our interests, life experiences and views on life. The only problem I have is when he mentions his masturbatory habits in an unwelcome way or how large his penis is. A few months ago I stayed a week at his and his "partners" house. I use quotations because my cousin doesn't think of them as partners but more as roommates, while his "partner" does think of them as partners. They're no longer intimate with each other. As soon as I got there his companion not only shows me a collection of various artifacts he has collected (which I loved) he also offered me access to his porn collection. I don't like sharing my private moments with others and he acted offended when I told him this was unnecessary. Though they're no longer intimate with each other they do sometimes have three-ways with a third party. He asked me if I would possibly live with them under some "arrangement". I'm not sure he meant this sexually but in light of everything else I'm not sure he didn't either. On the phone I heard my cousin talking on the phone with his partner. I had just come downstairs and he didn't know I was around so I was able to hear part their private conversation. He mentioned a walk the two of us went on and he had to urinate. He wondered why I wandered a short distance ahead rather than stay and watch. He also said he wished I would show "whats in my pants" Anyway his partner? house mate? works in Washington D.C. I have a lot in common with him too as far as intellectual interests. But he was, and to a certain extent, still is very promiscuous and the two of them were never monogamous even when they were a couple. He took me to the Smithsonian and one the way home he chided me for "wasting" my young years by not having as much sex as possible. I told him I would only regret it if I wanted to be that way, which I don't. I agree that I could socialize and possibly experiment more but I'm just not hardwired to be promiscuous like that. I'm more of a hopeless romantic. I once identified as a homo-romantic asexual and could still fit that label. He didn't seem to understand this or understand the concept of asexuality.:bang: He told me that I could cruise and tell if a guy was gay if I caught him staring at my crotch. I don't stare at guys crotches so I don't see why that would be particularly useful for me. I wouldn't have to marry someone to have sex with them, but I couldn't have sex with a total stranger. Sorry, that's just not me. We went to an antiques fair and to entice me there my cousin says that there will be "young gay men with nice packages" and for some reason this annoyed me. All these things make me feel creepy or grossed out. Am I being too prude? I don't want to paint them in a universally negative light. The rest of my family (excluding homophobes) love the two of them and I understand why. They're intelligent and generally good people. That's why I wanted to post this. I didn't want to share this with my straight family members so they didn't think differently about them.
No, you are not being too prude. If you feel uncomfortable in talking about certain things or participating in certain activities, then you need to clearly explain yourself to your cousin. You both need to agree on certain boundaries on what is acceptable to talk about. If that does not work, then I think it would be best to ignore him.
You're not a prude. You're just from a different generation, a different upbringing, have had different life challenges and ... you're obviously a different person. When they were your age, being openly gay would have made life a lot more challenging and dangerous than it would be in most places these days. Maybe you could ask them to tell you about their histories to give you a bit of insight about why they talk and act the way they do. It could be that they're a bit envious of how much freedom young gay men have these days and wish they'd had it themselves growing up. Or it could be that they're now acting out the freedoms that were not allowed/illegal when they were younger.
Let me begin with the fact that this man's actions are utterly horrifying and beyond unacceptable. :eek: Phew... ok... off of my chest :icon_wink Regardless that this man is related to you, no one 4 decades your senior (and practically two generations) should treat you in this manner. But mangotree makes a point: Assuming you are part of my generation... teens, 20's... we grew up with less promiscuity, more acceptance, less fear of persecution. I think that when you grow up with fear you have a greater desire to portray the attribute being persecuted. Gays were more promiscuous, flamboyant, "in your face" stereotype. And he's a product of the sexual revolution. That doesn't help. With regard to "being prude," I believe that we are in the same boat. I cannot randomly have sex with people. Even when I have that attachment there is something about gay intercourse that is pretty... gross... so I think I can relate to your consideration of asexuality. I like cuddling... that's about it. Ha. I have moved forward with the "experience" with the sole purpose to precipitate emotional connection in the other guy and to please him. It has never connected me nor pleased me. Do only as much as you feel comfortable... stick to modest relationships before engaging in anything. I think that's pretty straightforward advice. Be safe
No you are not, I'm just like you. I'm not into the mainstream gay culture with the dirty looks given to guys on the street, the random casual sex. The guy you are talking about sounds very slutty, lacks respect for you and the guys he is with. Also you should be careful with the habits he is trying to introduce you to because I won't be surprised if he or his buddies have stds, there are alot of weaker stds other than HIV/AIDS that aren't as bad that people don't realise they have, In fact these other stds are more common than HIV AIDS but people don't really care about them that much. You see older gays tend to be promiscuous because at that time being gay was more frowned upon, so they had to keep it secret and can't afford to have long term relationships. Yo stay safe they had One night stands, had sex with guys who they don't know eachother's names so they can't tell others you are gay. Go get tested with him before having sex? if you go get tested with a guy, you are spending alot of time with him, people will see you together he'll see your friends.
Hrm. I'm going to rather break from the pack here and disagree that your cousin's behavior is somehow a 'typical older gay guy' thing. Admittedly, I'm not as old as he is, but I'm gathering I'm considerably older than you (and can see I'm considerably older than most of the people who have responded so far) and I can say that I know a number of gay men who are considerably older than me (so putting them into your cousins age range or even older). In my experience, both among guys around my age and around guys who are anything up to significantly older than me, there may be a certain amount of 'locker room talk' and a fair bit of kidding around and innuendo depending on circumstances. This includes not only my life now, but also when I was the ages that I see for the other people on this thread as of my posting. However, by and large it was more focused on being funny or being clever and never on being as direct (and I would say crass) as what you describe with your cousin. It would honestly never occur to me to engage in some of the behavior you describe, like wanting you to check out his penis while he's urinating or talking about your relative sizes. And I don't know anyone (nor have ever known anyone) who would be into that, at least not outside the bounds of some kind of sexual relationship (for some people talking dirty to each other can be fun). With a family member? Absolutely not. If he's openly gay and was doing things like openly checking out a hot shirtless jogger or the like (basically doing the gay man's equivalent of checking out women) then I wouldn't see it as an issue, even if that level of ogling isn't necessarily to your taste (he should be sensitive to your feelings but also you should be sensitive to his and a balance of some kind found). And if he and his partner have some kind of open relationship or play as a couple with others, that's no one's business but their own. But from what you've described, he seems to be going a good bit beyond that. From my perspective he's actually crossing the line into creepy territory. Whether that is due to age (when you hit a certain age, you start to not give a crap - for some that tendency simply keeps increasing as they get older and the filters all vanish), personality, vagaries of his life over time, or something else (or a combo of these) is unclear. But please don't take him as representative of gay guys who are a generation or so older than you as a whole. Beyond that, I would suggest either arranging to spend less time with him or having a frank and honest discussion about how his behavior is making you feel and asking him to filter himself a bit. As part of that you might also try to find out something of his history to try to get a better idea of where he's coming from (it might be interesting just on general principles) as well as helping him understand where you are coming from. But regardless, if he's making you uncomfortable he should restrain his behavior a bit if he wants to have a friendship with you. My 2c worth, Todd
There are older gay men who have no boundaries and no concept of appropriate decorum. Your cousin sounds like one of them. He also sounds, to be honest, creepy as fuck. His behavior is grossly inappropriate. I'm in my 50s. I have some friends in their 20s. While we can have frank conversations, similar to ones here on EC, where we might discuss rather graphic things, it is always in the context of concerns or questions they may have. I would never have any reason to ask about penis size, try to sneak a look at them, or anything of the sort and frankly, I find it creepy, but it's also just disappointing because it's that sort of disgusting creepy behavior that, with good reason, makes so many younger people totally leery of having any sort of conversations with older people. Honestly, I'd avoid him. If you are the type willing to call him on his behavior, you could try telling him that, in spite of what he and his friends may think, not all gay men are like that, his behavior is grossly inappropriate, and he might want to reconsider how he behaves around younger people. Said the right way, it might actually encourage him to think and change his behavior.
I'm with Todd on this one. This guy's a creep and it's not being gay or being older it's just being a creep. I'm in my forties and have a lot of gay friends who are both older and younger and I've never met anyone who would characterize what you describe as "normal" or even "acceptable."
