First relationship with a man but I don't want to have sex

There are plenty of people that don't enjoy sex despite of sexual orientation.

You're not abnormal and you don't have to change. Just make sure you let your boyfriend know that you don't want sex and to respect your decision.

If he breaks up because you don't want to have sex, what good is he? I don't wish to sound harsh, but that makes him seem as if he only wanted sex with you (if he breaks up with you for that reason). Enjoy your life, don't change and always be yourself

Good luck !

 

Um...handjobs and oral sex still count as "real actual sex", It's actually a misconception that gay men enjoy anal sex. In fact I think only 60% of gay men out there engage in it regularly and many dislike it completely and never add it to their sex lives. Besides you can't even have 'real' sex with a man; anal sex is regarded as just 'foreplay' between straight couples and a man who has anal sex is still 'technically a virgin' regardless if he does it with a woman or a man.

You like sex, you just don't like anal sex which is a completely normal and even common way for most gay/bisexual men to feel. He feels differently about liking anal sex, but that's just one part of sex that he might crave so you're not compatible. There are plenty of gay/bi men who love having sex with men without anal or penetration.

 

Fallingdown7 already covered the fact that not all gay/bi men like anal sex and that any activity where you're expecting to get arousal and orgasm counts as 'real' sex (although opinions differ on this).

Getting back to your issue, you don't indicate whether your issue is with topping, bottoming, or both. If it's with bottoming, then maybe buy a prostate massager and some lube and take some time by yourself to masturbate while trying it and see what you think of the experience (Massagers are thinner than a real penis and should be easier for you to insert). If you enjoy it, then get a dildo of around the size of your boyfriends penis (or just an average penis if he's on the large side - avg is about 5.5-6.5 long) and try that and see what you think of it. If you enjoy that, then consider whether you might enjoy doing it with your BF. When considering toys always make sure to get something with a flange or other design feature that will prevent it from going all the way inside and getting lost. You really don't want that visit to the ER to explain what happened.

If it turns out you don't enjoy anal penetration at all and still don't want to do it, that's fine. But then you and your BF may be incompatible in this area and will need to work out if you can find some other way to meet this want in him or get him to accept that it's simply not your thing. Or you may be incompatible.

If it's topping we're talking about, then again get some sex toys and learn to use them on him. He gets the penetration he's wanting, you don't have to penetrate him directly, and with a bit of practice you may even find that you can do things with the toys and the rest of you (you have more options of position and motion when using toys than when penetrating someone yourself) that will make him more than happy to play that way rather than doing 'basic' anal sex.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

It's true that not all gay men like anal sex, but only 60% do it? Haha, it's even laughable, it's much more likely to be around 95%. Anal sex as foreplay is something I have never ever heard off, no one goes into all that just for minor arousement.
For me and most men, anal is considered the key of sex. That's probably what your partner thinks too.
AKTodd already gave you good advice on experimenting with yourself in order to find more accurately how you feel about it. I don't mean to pressure you into doing something you don't want to, but if you're really not ready to try it you should drop your partner. You and him can't work without that sexual compatibility, you're already seeing the downsides. It's not worth it to torture both of you.

 

I agree with the general sentiment that you should both do what's best for you. You can decide it just won't work, or if you are both willing to give some of the things AKTodd has suggested you might find a happier solution that allows you to both be sexually satisfied and together.

I add nothing to the conversation except to point out my inner academic is cringing at seemingly random statistics being pulled out of thin air haha.

Are you sure your source is reliable?

 

According to this article in the BMJ (British Medical Journal), 2/3 of gay men have anal sex. ABC of sexual health: Homosexual men and women

 

By the percentage I mean more so the number of gay men who value it, not necessarily 'don't do it at all'. So those people could be doing it and either be disliking it or feel indifferent to it.

It's becoming more common in the gay community to count oral sex as a equal sexual act or a 'loss of virginity' even if they do anal sex later, and this is rather common at EC as well. People who think oral sex isn't sex are way the minority on this website (otherwise they should be fucking women instead of other men since the 'key of sex' factually refers to reproduction and not penetration in general).

Also, I said STRAIGHT people consider it to be foreplay, and you can find that fact everywhere on the internet and in real life (especially catholic schools). Straight people think that it only counts as 'real sex' if a penis penetrates a vagina. Many straight couples have anal sex to 'save themselves for marriage' or to 'play around' if they think they aren't 'ready' for traditional intercourse.

 

I don't know how old you are, Lear, but I think that you are making the right decisions. You should listen to what your heart tells you. Also, I agree with AKTodd in his advice. You may want to rethink your relationship with your bf if you feel sexually incompatible. You may feel like you aren't ready to do things, which is fine. The key thing is to think about whether you see yourself actually having anal sex with him some day. If you don't see yourself having anal sex, and your bf doesn't respect you for that, then your relationship is pointless. I think you are making smart decisions right now. I also think that your bf is being very understanding and is willing to wait for you to be ready -- he seems like he wants to keep the relationship going.

 

Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with. I'm a Kinsey 3 (on average). I like sex with both men and women, but there are some days where the thought or having sex with another guy turns me off completely, it's weird on it changes so rapidly day-to-day for me sometimes.

Give it time because it seems that you're still trying to decide what you identify as and what you like, and if he really loves you, he should respect your decision.

 

I don't know if you're still unsure but I thought I'd tell you something that might comfort you.

I'm in a relationship with a guy who cares about me. One day we were on his bed kissing, he made slow advances like getting on top of me, etc. All throughout this he was asking me if I was comfortable and okay with what he was doing. The first time this happened I denied having sex with him because I wasn't ready, he was completely okay with this. A few times later I felt comfortable enough to have sex with him, however I wasn't sure if I wanted anal or not. I was surprised to find that he wasn't ready to have anal so we stuck to other types of sex. We now have a great sex life that doesn't include anal (although touching that area does happen during foreplay).

My point is that we're an example of a couple that enjoys sex without anal because we both prefer other types of sex, and we both care about each other enough to respect the other's limits. If he is pushing beyond what you're comfortable with, then it sounds like he prioritises his sexual fulfillment over your comfort. Maybe you should talk it out and draw a line telling him that you're not ready for it, if he respects that then great, if not then I think you should consider breaking the relationship. Sex should strengthen your relationship, not be an obstacle in it.