Some backstory: Before I left for college, I had a male friend that I liked to hang out with. At the time, I was still in denial, and refused to believe that I might be gay, but even then I felt that there was something different about my relationship with him. We casually flirted all the time, but in my mind I passed it off as a joke, for to my mind there was no way either of us could be anything other than straight. After I departed for school, and had a bit more room to think and explore, and my bisexuality became more clear, I looked back on my relationship with him, and was finally able to let myself acknowledge that I like him. Fastforward to a few days ago, when I met up with him for the first time in several months, as part of a group outing to watch the first showing of The Hobbit. He gave me a hug, and kind of dug his face into my neck. When he did it, it was as if electricity shot out from the spot, and it made me rather hot and bothered. It might have just been me, but something about the way he did it felt different from the way we had interacted in the past, it felt more intimate, I think. I spent the rest of the evening trying to be as close to him as possible, sitting near him, throwing my arm around him for a photo, that sort of thing. With that backstory taken care of, here is my problem: Every time I fantasize about him, I feel guilty whenever I start to really get going. I'm not sure what all the guilt is, but I think part of it is that I'm fantasizing about someone I know and respect without their knowledge. It might also be because I've known him for years, and I feel guilty liking someone who was at one point nearly as close as a brother. Plus, I know him to be religious, and I'm not sure how he even feels about homosexuality. Still, this guilt isn't something I've ever felt before, when fantasizing about my female classmates and friends, and even one or two other males (my attractions are mostly towards females, and only occasionally towards males). I'm not sure what is different about this one person, but it bothers me, and makes me feel confused. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from posting about this here, maybe I just hope that someone can provide some clarity to my situation. Apologies for the wall of text.
I think your problem is that you are so accustomed to having a platonic relationship with him that you feel uncomfortable about trying to form a romantic relationship with him. Some people think romance with friends is gonna ruin the relationship because you lose the privileges you have in a platonic relationship like being able to talk about crushes with them, not having to commit to this one person and call them or text them every day and such, not having the pressure of date night and having to think of them with everything you do, being able to point out cute guys/girls without them being jealous..
Your thoughts and fantasies are yours and he doesn't need to know about them if you don't want him to. There's nothing wrong with imagining... the version of him in your imagination isn't the real him anyway, so you're not invading his trust or privacy or anything like that. Just make sure you don't get unhealthily obsessed,,, Will you be seeing him again soon?
What you are experiencing is very common, both in terms of attraction and the feelings arising from that attraction (your fantasies). Do you suppose he, or any other guy for that matter, doesn't fantasise about people they know quite well, or very well? The truth is, most people do and it's perfectly fine and normal. It's part of being human and sexual. Our fantasies are our own private thoughts and we don't have to share them with anyone else, or act upon them. In fact, if everyone did share their fantasies there would be a few shocks and surprises. If your friendship has always been based on honesty, truth and respect, you may feel that the secret of your sexuality and attraction is in some way diminishing, or undermining the quality of your friendship. Perhaps the guilt is more connected to the secrecy than the fantasy?
I think it's probably a mixture of both these things. It feels weird having romantic thoughts about a platonic friend, and not being fully upfront and honest with him also bothers me. I'm not sure when I'll see him next. We've pledged to meet before I leave in a couple weeks, but we live on opposite ends of a phenomenally large city area-wise, so we probably won't see each other too many more times before I head back to school.
