Ok so there's a kid at school whom I like. I have liked him on and off, perhaps mostly because I don't see him that often; he's only a few months younger, but in the grade below me. I don't want to go into too many details, but he acts flamboyant but presents as straight. Anyway, another gay friend matched with him on ******, which I won't be using because (and the guy I like who was using it) are too young for it. So I was wondering, how do you ask a guy out who is likely gay and has maybe accepted it, but isn't out? Especially because when I talk to him he's normally in a group. I wouldn't be crushed or anything if he said no, but he's like the 1 maybe-gay guy in my school who I would think about dating (there aren't a whole lot of options) and I would like to at least get experience asking a guy out without taking the most awkward or humiliating route.
I think patience is the key. You say he is normally in a group, but not always, so you need to wait until you can get to speak to him alone, even if it takes a while. If you really like him I'm sure you are willing to give it a bit of time. Otherwise, you may have to think about leaving him a note, but that's rather indirect and will not give you the experience of asking guys out. It's good that you are thinking about this. If he is not out it could be rather humiliating to him (and you) if you go about it in the wrong way. Good on you for being considerate.
Here's the weird thing with this whole scenario and it has to do with roles which are uncharted territory. When you are dealing with straight guys, it's just about getting together to get something to eat, drink, or hang out and, if you get turned down, it's more about the fact that they run with a different crowd and don't see slotting you into it. When you are dealing with gay men, or men who likely are, it becomes "dating" or a "date." Therefore, there's more ego at stake, it seems. And then there is added confusion with the different levels of being out. Tread lightly here. It will take some time. You will have to be around this person when he is away from his group, which might unconsciously or consciously act as a shield for him. Then, the most important thing is that you can proceed with this person casually and not come across as too jittery, so you almost make it seem like there is no interest. Sometimes that is NOT easy to do. I have never gone down this road. It's not a game I play. If I want to go do something with someone, their gender and sexual preference are irrelevant and, if they aren't interested, they are the ones who have read way more into it and I will either walk away without saying anything or tell them they are a head case. But that won't work for you and this situation. That's just the way I go about these things. Tread lightly. Take your time. Build a casual rapport that has had the edginess taken off of it. Good luck.
Thanks for taking the time to respond! I haven't really noticed a shielding sort of thing, but we're not close, so that could affect it. I am friends with some of the other people he hangs out with, so if I spent a little more time with that group than I do now I could probably be closer friends with them as well as get to know him (probably not much would happen otherwise, we don't have any classes this year, so I don't see him that often).
Well, you could ask him out of the blue if he wants to go out with you next time you catch him alone. Or, you could try to get closer to him as a friend first. Your choice. I agree with Patrick
