Let me applogize in advance because I'm sure there are thousands of posts just like mine on here. However, sometimes it feels good just to vent a bit and get some personalized advice. I appologize for any gramatical errors, but it's 3AM and I can't get this off my mind. So let me start with a little about myself and then I'll get into the story. I'm a recent college grad who is steping out into the "real world" for the first time. I think I'm fairly successful in the academic and professional side of my life, but emotionally and relationship wise, I'm null and void. I've never been in a relationship with anybody before (guy or girl); I just never really saw myself as an emotional person who was capable of affection if that makes any sense. I guess all the bullying I dealt with in school kind of forced me to be extra cautious of any sort of relationship. Likewise, the fact that I've been questioning my sexuality since I was 5 hasn't made the situation any easier. Hell, I even have a difficult time becoming too attached to people as friends and when I do, I'm always cautious about calling them my "best friend." Even then, I don't share my emotions with even my so-called "best friends." Basically I feel as though I'm walking around with a mask on. The other day I stumbled upon a Steve Jobs quote "Your time is limited...so don't waste it living someone else's life." While I wish I could do that, I feel like I've been doing just the opposite for the past 22 years and there's no escape. Now, enough about me and let's dig into the situation. Some of the story if not in chronological order for the sake of simplicity, but that shouldn't detract from anything. Over the past 4 and a half years I've been at school I met a lot of new and good friends. I've also become closer to some old friends from high school. However, this past semester was different; most of my friends had graduated the semester before and so I was alone. Yes, I missed them, but I saw it as an opportunity to try new things and meet new people. Unfortunately work got in the way and I didn't do too much of that. Plus I have a bad habit of making friends with my books rather than people. I'm not unsociable, I just have a difficult time meeting new people; especially because I was hoping to meet someone I could have a relationship with (girl or guy). I figured I'd better do it while I'm here because soon I'll be stuck in an office with lots of people old enough to be my parents or grandparents. While I didn't achieve my goal of finding someone (and I'm kicking myself daily for it), I did manage to make a really good friend. There was this guy who always sat a seat or two away from me in one of my classes. We made small chit-chat a couple times throughout the first 3/4 of the semester, but nothing really developed with him. Of course I was attracted to him and I'd sneak a glance at him now and then, but I just figured it was hopeless and I'd be condemned to my cubical in a couple of months (having gone though high school and college without ever being in a relationship, having sex, or even making a really close friend). Again, while I did have many friends before this (many of them good friends), I'm just very hessitant about getting on an emotional level with people and I've essentially become a very overcarbonated bottle of champagne (queue the New Years music). Similarly, as far as relationships are concerned, I'm not a bad looking guy (from what I've been tolded). I remember walking to my favorite brewery one day this past September for a refill when I passed by a group of high school kids. I remember one girl staring at me and whispering to her friends a little too loudly "he's so hot!" While it not only made my night, it gave me a huge confidence boost to this day; I had been lacking in that department since I started suffering from acne in elementary school. I only cleared up completely a couple weeks before this event (without having to resort to accutane thank God). Anyway, the semester kept rolling and i began to get the graduation blues as it neared the end. Then the professor decided to assign an awfully difficult project and nobody knew where to begin. This guy (let's call him Alex) and myself decided to exchange numbers and collaborate on it together (with some of his other friends in the class too). So we pounded away at this assignment and naturally conversation followed. Turns out we have a lot in common and we quickly became comfortable around eachother. Ultimately getting together to work on the project turned into getting a couple beers and chilling. Probably for the first time in my life I had met somebody I could mutually have a laugh with, have a good time, and talk about more serious things as well. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can be myself around somebody. I guess what I'm saying is that I've never really had someone in my life who I felt carefree with; someone who I could let my guard down with and just have fun. The fact that I'm saying this in light of a school project (which was by no means fun) gives it more meaning. I finally felt that the guy I descibed up in the first paragraph had loosened up a bit and learned to relax. The project came and went and so did the first week of finals. He had finished finals during the first week and was well within his right to go home; but he decided to stick around and hang out with me and my friends instead. But even before that, while we were studying for our class, he chose to study with me over his other friends who he had known for 3+ years (rather than +-3 weeks). He basically clung to me like glue (and of course I'm happy about that). So right there I knew Alex and I were bound to be really good friends (if nothing more). At some point during one of our conversations, he said something out of the blue to the extent of "I've never spent as much quality time with anyone on this campus before; I wish we met sooner." Of course I felt the exact same way. Again, while I am still hesitant to use the term "best friend," Alex is probably the closest I've come in a long time (we're talking 4th grade) to filling those shoes. Now here's where the "figuring" comes into play. You see, literally the week before we started working on this project, Alex broke up with his longtime girlfriend. and in the course of our conversations he was telling me how "freeing" it was to be single again. He would tell me about all these girls he met on ****** and other dating apps and how he wanted to bang this one and not that one and such. And of course he'd tell me stories of all the girls he's banged since Of course I went with it as usual guy talk, but it seems to me (and you'll see why later) that he's trying to overcompensate for something. I mean, he was talking about girls way more than your average guy (and he still does now that the semester is over). Maybe it's because he's newly single, but what do I know; I've never really been there? Putting the above aside, he's also done a number of other questionable things such as showing and rubbing his bare chest in front of me. He's also openly admitted to shaving his balls and complaining that they itched; he's even scratched his balls in front of me and made sure I knew about it. He also poked at a particular fetish of mine by asking an unusual question several times (and let's just leave it at that for now). Finally, back to my overcompensation theory, he tends to use the word "faggot" a lot; although he claims not to have a problem with gay marriage. He's even said (several times), in a joking manner, something to the extent of "I am a huge faggot, please sit on my face," and wrote the phrase in his project; which ended up making for a rather funny story. Of course all this excited me, but I did my best to maintain my composure and go with the flow of things. Now of course he could very well be (and probably is) straight; and I'm perfectly fine with that. I can't even figure out my own orientation, let alone someone else's. But then again the last couple paragraphs seem to leave some room for questions. Of course I'm probably greatly amplifying minute details to get my hopes up, but you never know. The thing is, how do I go about handling this situation? Yes, I have a huge crush on Alex (probably moreso than anyone before, guy or girl). But at the same time, he's my friend and I want to develop our relationship further as friends; I don't want to get into this sexuality business right away. Part of me is saying "He's the one, go get him!" and the other part of me is saying "Take a step back (you've only known him for a month), assess the situation, and just work on developing your friendship with him for now." Obviously the second voice in my head seems like the more rational one at this point in time, but I can't seem to shut the other one up. As I said, I can hardly remember the last time I had a friend as good as Alex and friends like him are extremely hard to come by; we only got to know eachother by chance after all. The last thing I want is to let my (up in the air) sexuality come in between that. Of course, I am still sexually fustrated (remember my fear of sitting in an office with a bunch of people my parents' and grandparents' age). I don't want to let my 20's slip by without finding any sort of companionship; I already did that in my teens and I felt awful for it after high school. So I guess what I'm asking is how can I put my crush for him aside (for now anyway) and focus instead on developing our friendship? I've seen a lot of answers on here and elsewhere saying that "it's impossible" and that the friendship should be abandoned. I don't want to accept that for an answer; he's filled a huge hole in my life and (as he's told me) I've done the same for him. Abandoning the friendship because of a silly crush will probably only make things worse.
I don't see anything that shows that Alex is gay. Instead, drop hints that you're supportive of gay rights, and maybe flirty with him. But most of all develop good communication and spend quality time with him to strenghten your relationship.
Yea, from an outside perspective I can imagine that'd be the case (and it's just me being hopeful as I mentioned). But again, I don't really even want to get flirty with him at this point in time. What I'm really struggling with is figuring out how not to get flirty with him, you know? I don't want to scare him off; I just want to work on developing our friendship for now.
I'm so proud of myself for reading this whole thing.. A+ for me. Okay, well... After reading your Harry Potter book, I don't see any signs of Alex from Target (I hope you get the reference) being gay. There may be a small chance, but who knows.. anything's possible. Him shaving his balls and telling you, talking a lot about girls, and what not is not a strong indicator of him being gay Don't lose your hopes though So you want to keep developing a friendship with him, well keep doing what you're doing! I would start by opening up to him; tell him any secrets that you're comfortable with sharing, talk about family, talk about your past. That way, he will see that you're comfortable with sharing such sensitive information with him, and in return he may talk about his secrets, which may or may not point to his sexual orientation. Keep hanging out with him, go out have some drinks, go to McDonald's, go to car shows, watch movies, do something that both of you will enjoy! You can even go to the mall with him together, and pick out clothes, shoes, etc. (might seem awkward, but it's very fun!) I mean, I can't really suggest anything that will stop you from flirting with him, it's beyond my control... maybe pretend he's your long lost brother that you've finally found xD? Anyways, good luck... and oh! keep us updated! I luuuv hearing what's happening in peoples lives! Cheers mate!
I see no reason for you to abandon the friendship, but I see every reason to listen to the rational voice.. at least for now. Your friendship with Alex is not only new in terms of time span, but it's also a very new experience for you and that could be skewing your thoughts and feelings. I don't mean that in a patronising way, but this is, by your own admission the first meaningful friendship that you can point to in 22 years. The whole experience is a bit of an unknown quantity and it could be carrying you along like the tide. So pay close attention to the rational voice and invest time in the friendship side of things. If/when it comes to conversations about sex and sexuality be as honest as you can be with Alex. Don't fall into the trap of pretending to be exclusively attracted to the opposite sex, just because he says he has "banged" this girl or that. Going with the flow may be easier now, but it will stifle any possibility of revealing your true feelings further down the line. If he is over-compensating, you will not help him (or you) by going along with it. Take things one day at a time and try very hard not to get carried away. Your friendship has some way to go and you don't want to risk it just yet. Good luck!
Congrats, you made it through. Sorry for writing a Bible haha (forget Harry Potter); I tend to do that when I'm depressed and confused. Yes, I do get the reference haha. But I think my Alex is even more attractive (hard to believe, I know; but that's probably me and my imagination at work). Again, not that it means anything, but he frequents the use of the word "butt-plug" over a-hole, which I found interesting. But again, I didn't go into this expecting him to be gay, so as his friend I'm happy for him in whatever direction he takes. But the irrational part of me won't let me think about anything else, even other guys or girls. Sure I can be trracted to another guy or girl physically, but it's really the emotional bond we've developed that's going to be difficult to replace. What kind of secrets are we talking about? I mean other than this and my questionable orientation, I don't think I really have any; I'm kind of a boring person haha. Honestly, he's done most of the talking and he's told me a number of secrets already, without me doing much. I don't know if I've just become a really good conversationalist (How To Win Friends and Influence People is an awesome book), if he's just really comfortable around me, or both. Either way, it doesn't appear like he'd be the kind of person who would hold anything back, he's very open with me about his life; I probably know way more about him than he does about me (and no, I'm not a stalker haha, he just seems really comfortable telling me about his life). Of course sexuality is a whole nother bridge to cross. As far as hanging out with him is concerned, that's obviously in the works. But again, what I really need help with right now is looking at him as a friend and not a crush (at least until and if something more intimate begins to arise). The thing is, I can't eat, I'm sleeping way too much, and I'm a trainwreck really. As I said, I'm not really the kind of person to show emotion (I can go for weeks being either extremely happy or incredibly depressed without anybody knowing unless I mention it; sometimes even when I'm happy people think I'm depressed), but this time people are noticing and I don't even know what to tell them. Again, I've had crushes before, but nothing quite like this; I really need to get over it so that I don't ruin our friendship. ---------- Post added 29th Dec 2014 at 11:31 AM ---------- Yeah, you're absolutely right, that's what is probably happening; it's a very confusing experience for me. And again, that's not to say I don't have friends (I'm not some anti-social monster, or at least not anymore); I've made quite a lot of them in college. However, I've yet to meet someone I feel so comfortable around, someone who I can hang out with just as well alone or in a group. Usually I find it extremely difficult to hang out with my other friends (even those who I've known since high school) one-on-one. In rare cases I've been able to do it, but the conversation usually ends up revolving around school work (yuck) because the few people I've been able to do that with have usually been lab partners with me at one point or another. The fact that I can sit down with Alex alone and have a conversation about something other than school is an enlightening experience. Sometimes we'll go out for drinks and I worry about what I'm going to say, but I end up worrying for nothing, the conversation just flows naturally. I never find myself fishing for words. So I have no doubt that my attraction for him is combining with this new experience and creating a sort of monster crush the likes of which I've never experienced before. Yes, I agree, that'll become an issue down the road if I keep hiding my feelings in general, not just from him. As sacred as virginity is, I don't want to become the 40 year old virgin and I'm deathly afraid of that. I just can't gather the courage to do something about it just yet and it's slowly killing me; I can't even begin to tell you how much I worry about it and my self-image. I know it's only going to get harder now that I'm a "professional" and I'm working full-time; my reputation is kind of everything. Not that there's anything unprofessional about being gay/bi/curious, but I'm so afraid to do something out of the ordinary if that makes sense. But back to Alex, as I've said he has already stated that he's ok with gay marriage (or as he says, faggot marriage), so I don't think he'll have too much of an issue with it as long as I don't mention my crush on him right away. But most of cour conversations about sex have revolved around his sex life, mine is literally non-existent. So as of now at least I'm telling the truth about my sex life. But in terms of expressing my sexual preference towards guys is concerned, that's a whole other issue that I can't even fathom yet.
Well I think I'd need more time for that, but he'd probably be the first person I could see myself telling.
You know ... secrets. That's really good that conversations flow easily with him! Perhaps that's where part of this crush is coming from. It's nice to have easy conversation with someone who listens (as well as who is easy on the eyes :icon_bigg ) Also, you can find things to bond over. Like watching a TV show together, going to concerts, playing pool, golf, volleyball or some sport (or watching sports), different girls you like I guess? lol I have several tv shows and movie series I'm into and I fangirl out when I meet another person who likes the same thing haha.
Like the others have said, just keep the friendship going and get closer to him. You might find out more about his sexuality. If you get close enough to him, maybe you could come out to him. Good luck!
Yea, that's probably the best thing to do, I just have to watch what I say and do I guess (not that I shouldn't be doing that in general); I don't really want him to suspect anything right now. ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2014 at 07:31 PM ---------- Eh, I'm not sure that I want to make a big conversation out of it right now. Yea, they have come up in our conversations occasionally (usually when we talk politics), but I think it'd be kind of weird, at least at this point in the game, to dedicate too much time to it. Of course I can casually bring them up now and then and observe his reactions. ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2014 at 07:38 PM ---------- Oh yea, for sure that's part of it. It's one thing to have a good looking guy in front of you and crush on him. But when he's easy to have a conversation with and fun to be around as well, that attraction increases exponentially. Yea, I've been trying to get into some of the shows he watches (I'm not much of a TV guy); now that I have more free time I wouldn't mind watching them now and then. Girls are a little hard to talk about (obviously, since I'm more attracted to guys), but I think I can hold my own on that front. But yeah, sports seems to be working for now anyway; it'll be interesting what happens when the season's over.
you might start by asking him how he feels about all the homophobia that's been exposed by Michael Sam being the first openly gay NFL pick, and see how open he is to talking about people coming out
