Ok so I'm very new to the site and I must say that reading other people's experiences has helped me enormously. So I have decided to sign up and idk just relate my story for it is confusing at times. And sorry in advance if you bother to read this for it is long! So I have been best friends with (let's call him) Mark since we met in the seventh grade. We are now both 24 and transitioning from our platonic friendship to our current romantic and sexual relationship. I'm still wary to refer to him as my boyfriend but I suppose that what he is. I truly do love him and he does me. He came out to me as gay a few years ago, when we were 18, and I was fine with it and even admitted I was bi since I had had sexual encounters with both sexes. We were inseparable (still are) and told each other everything, spending a lot of time together. We moved on and remained the best of friends just like we always were. It wasn't much of a surprise that he was gay since I had only seen him with one girl ever and it didn't work out. He told me he had no doubt he was gay. Myself on the other hand was and is very confused. I never had a girlfriend either and never really had the drive to go out and meet girls. I hooked up with a girl online and that was it, it felt like I had finally grown up, but there was no connection and I must admit a little boring. It felt the same with the few girls I have kissed since then also. At that point I also had a few sexual meet ups with some guys which were very fun but filled with guilt and denial. I thought bi was ok because that meant there was still a chance for me to be normal and have a normal life. But anytime I secretly dreamt of being gay or watched gay porn it felt right. But then I would be filled with guilt and swear I never would again. Fast forward a few years and I have had sex with MUCH more men than women and was being more comfortable with it and really exploring my homosexuality. The sex was great and I became infatuated with a few guys but I still was holding onto that possibility of meeting the right girl and being normal. Though i never really thought about girls anymore and only thought of men while ...ya know...Anyways one night we were driving back from a get together with friends and I was drunk ehh...So I suggested we fool around since I had secretly dreamt of it and desired it. He was very intruiged but admitted he was with a boyfriend (he never talked to me about his gay relationship s). He also said he was meaning to break up with him but nothing happened. A few nights later the roles are reversed, I'm driving he's drunk. He now tells me he had a revelation and was crying and telling me he thinks we are soul mates and he loves me and always were meant to be together. I was thrilled and told him I love him also and we talked and held hands for a while. Since then he has broken up with his previous bad influence of a boyfriend, and we have broke the barrier and had sex a few times. We took a risk and promised to be friends still if it didn't work out but it did so much! I had never felt so close to anybody nor had the desire to be intimate with anybody else much. It was beautiful. We now talk all the time about how we love each other and want to be with one another. I have never felt so good in my whole life and he said nor had he (we were both severely depressed teens). My only worries now are this: he is out to his family and friends and all that. Everyone always asked him over the years if we were a couple but he always said no, cause we weren't yet haha Only he knows I have had sex with men and now do so exclusively. I am pretty sure I am gay since I never think of women that way anymore, though there are moments when my brain screams this is wrong! You ate not gay and you're just pretending, don't give up on being normal with a girl and all that. Eventually I am starting to admit to myself that those thought aren't right and I am gay but it still feels weird. It feels strange kissing my best friend and having sex with him but it's the best feeling I've ever had. Now I don't know if I can hide our relationship from my friends and family for ever, if I really am gay, if this relationship is right, if I should come out? I just don't know and am so confused. I only know that we love each other I think about him all the time, and being intimate and close to him is the best thing I have ever felt. Any advice or words of wisdom? Thanks and sorry again for such a long post!
The thing that really comes through in your posting is how much you love Mark and want to be with him. You have been friends for so long and now have a more intimate relationship and deeper connection with him. It hasn't gone wrong, it hasn't spoiled your friendship at all - if anything, it's brought you closer together. My best advice would be to enjoy it and dedicate yourself to it. When you cast the doubts aside you can give it your all and deepen the love you share. It is normal to have some anxiety, doubt and uncertainty. Even though the world is changing, we still, for the most part exist in a hetero-normative bubble. From early infancy we grow up with and around people who are straight (like our parents) and absorb their ideas and societies expectations that we'll follow the usual patterns and maybe get married and have kids. It's a kind of ingrained thinking, so once we accept that we are gay, we turn our backs on all of that and then face the prospect of correcting those expectations. It's not easy and it's not without risk either. We know it could put at risk those relationships that have nurtured us through the years and nobody really wants that. If Mark is the one for you (and it sounds like he is) then you might want to take the plunge and come out. It sounds like some people will not be surprised, afterall, you said: With Marks love and support you can do it. The love you share for each other makes it worth doing, I'd say. If you're not sure how to go about it, come back to us and we can share our thoughts and experiences with you. Thanks for sharing all of this with us and very good luck!
