Backstory: So for the last three years, I have been in love with this guy at school (who is a year above me). He was the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful and dedicated guy I had ever met (I'm just gonna nickname him "J" on here). I rarely had the courage to approach him, but when I got the courage, he was dating someone else. The school year was ending, and since he was graduating, I felt that he had to know how I felt about him, so I wrote him a letter. He had a boyfriend (foreign exchange student), so at that point being able to atleast be his friend would mean the world to me. On the last day of school, I approached him. We talked briefly, he said my letter was really sweet, and we agreed on hanging out during the summer. I texted him a few times, and the one time he replied (the first and only reply), he said "with friends ttyl?". My depression started getting worse, I felt like I screwed up, and I thought (and continue to think) that he hated me (or atleast didn't care). As my depression continued to worsen, my now ex-best friend constantly rubbed in how she had a new boyfriend, how great the sex with her bf was, others began to talk to me about sex and relationships, and I felt like an outcast. I wanted someone to love me back, but instead everything seemed to be against me. I saw him a week ago since he's in town, but he said nothing to me, despite exchanging looks. Now: A few days ago, I had to meet up with on of J's best-friends to plan for school stuff. We talked about a few stuff which ultimately lead to talking about J. I told her how I've had a crush on J for the past few years, and what she told me made broke my heart. Appearently, J is polyamorous, has hooked up with a lot of other guys, and is currently in an open relationship with some new guy. I always saw him as the ideal guy, which is why I loved him so much. But after hearing this, it just broke my heart. Now, sex has always been something sacred to me, something I believe should be reserved for two people who are actually in love, but with the J thing in mind, as well the desperate sexual urges I've been developing for so long, I feel like love is not worth persuing anymore. Somewhere in my mind, I know it is, but my mind somehow sees this J thing as a "whatever, fuck it, if he's like this, then theres really not much worth fighting for" thing. I am somfucing close to giving up and just turning into a fucking whore who sleeps with whatever guy approaches him. I am so fucking done, but at the same time, I know it would only hurt me more. Theres so much more I can say, but I'm still in a state of mind that won't let me think any further.
I'm sorry you're going through this situation. You sound like you need a hug (*hug*) As far as your specific issues, two main thoughts come to mind. First, although its a very natural thing to do, it's virtually never a good idea to place someone up on a pedestal and think they are perfect. Because no one is perfect, including ourselves. And by placing someone on a pedestal all we're doing is setting ourselves up for disappointment when they turn out to be just as 'merely human' as everybody else. By all means appreciate/admire a person's good qualities (while also appreciating your own), but at the same time remember they that are going to have some less good qualities as well. Second, regarding your thoughts about giving up your principles and becoming a 'fucking whore'. I pretty much see sex as a pretty meaningless activity, in and of itself. If your crush is fine with sleeping around (and is not cheating on/hurting anyone in the process), that is perfectly all right and there's nothing wrong with that behavior. For him. Based on what you've written here, I really really don't think it would be OK behavior for you. Not from any sort of supposedly objective moral sense or anything like that but because the values you've created for yourself, which form a big chunk of the foundation of how you view yourself and the world, dictate that sex should be something that is done when you are in love with someone. If you ultimately decide to re-examine those values and even modify them (in a calm, clear-headed manner when you aren't hurting like you are now), that's fine. But right now, what I'm getting from your post is that: a) You are looking at this through a lens of pain and unhappiness b) You would be changing your behavior based on pain and anger and ultimately would just end up feeling even more sad and angry than you do now. Because you will have stopped being true to yourself. You know this. You even basically say this in your post. I'm sorry you're hurting. But don't violate your values in response to the pain. That way just lies more pain. Take some time to grieve. Cry, mope, eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Realize (and you will) that this guy is not as perfect as you wanted him to be. And then, when you're ready, pick yourself back up and move forward with your life, keeping the values you make for yourself, whatever those ultimately turn out to be. Take care, Todd
