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"Straight" Guy

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Dins3label, Jan 3, 2015.

  1. Dins3label

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    Hello All,

    Haven't posted here in a while since I came out but I remembered the fantastic support I was offered for something that many people in my life lacked a certain perspective.

    In the past almost two years since my coming out I have grown somewhat as an individual. However as a 20 year old I'm still seeing some kinks...

    Expectation: After a year of gaining my footing, I find a great boyfriend that I fall deeply in love with and marry.

    Reality: After a series of hookups and two failed relationships, I am now faced with a "straight" guy, lets say his name is Colin, who is exactly my type but also extremely confused and doesn't want to reconcile his sexuality.

    Background: Colin and I met in an art class last year. We found out we were in the same major during the course of the semester and even ate some meals together (in a group setting). The guy I had been dating at the time was convinced Colin was into me by the way he looked back at me passing down papers. I quickly shrugged it off.

    Fast forward to this fall. Colin needed a place to intern and my office was hiring. I sent him the request form and he got the internship. Since I am staff now, I have my own office and he got placed into an intern office next door to mine. He would often come over for help on projects, or with general questions so he wouldn't have to bother my boss.

    He began to drive me home from work sometimes and we talked more and more. Often times, we were assigned to tasks together, so during work we would spend countless hours interacting.

    We've always had an interesting dynamic. He likes to get "fake mad" at me, while I sarcastically write him off. There is always a bit of tenseness between us.

    The night before a neighborhood marathon we both signed up for, Colin and I were texting. He owns his own home, but his Dad was staying with him. I asked if I could have a ride, but he claimed that it was too far to come pick me up before the race. I said he could crash at my place and that way I wouldn't have to take the bus over in the morning.

    Soon enough, Colin was walking through the door. I offered him my couch, but he said that didn't sound too comfortable. We chatted on my bed for a little, which wasn't too weird. Then our legs started to move closer to one another. He jokingly put his legs on mine. Then he accidentally hit me, there was some tickling, but it escalated quickly: we started passionately making out on my bed.

    He is straight. Or... "straight"?

    Now, this isn't going to be fan fiction haha. But I can tell you that it was very intense - probably more sexual than I have ever felt in my entire life.

    We laid there in bed afterwords and all he had to say was "well, that was unexpected". And pretty soon thereafter we began talking. One of my first questions was, "have you ever been with a man before?"

    Apparently he had experimented with a friend before in high school. His friend turned out gay, wanted something more, but Colin started to date girls. Apparently it's been weird ever since. He then explained that he never felt like he could be with anyone long term, and that to him, a body is just a body, and gender is unimportant. I pretty much felt straight used after this. But the next day we did the marathon, went out to lunch, and did volunteering together and acted like NOTHING had happened. I was so confused and dumbfounded.

    If you are curious there are more weird developments in this story. Let me know if it's worth it before I write it all out....

    My question is - what the heck do I do with someone like this? We obviously have great sexual chemistry. And in all aspects other than the long term thing we see eye to eye. He also doesn't feel like a closeted gay guy - which is super weird to me. I haven't experienced a gay with such a fluid stance on sexuality before.

    Any input would be appreciated, maybe from a guy who sort of thinks in this mindset? It's so hard to get through his brain.
     
  2. Jax12

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    Some possibilities here. He could be the following:

    1). Pansexual
    2). Confused
    3). Bisexual
    4). Gay
    5). An open-minded straight guy

    But from the quote above, it sounds like pansexual. However, no one can say for sure since that isn't enough information. Just by "copy and paste" definition, it does sound like it, though.
     
  3. Dins3label

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    Right. That seems to make sense.However its disconcerting to hear that he has done stuff with a guy and left him for other girls.

    We went out to get food and I kept asking him what he was into and he said "I don't know". I told him that I had already been down a road of confusion and didn't want to go back down it. He did say that he think he did like me however.

    We watched a movie after this conversation over dinner, and then hooked up once more. He said he had a great time. We talked for a while and once again he asserted that he didn't think he was a long term person. After getting uncomfortable again, I asked that he would drive me home. We didn't speak the whole way back.

    A week later, he insisted that he would drive me home because we "had to talk". On the ride home, he said I really confused and overwhelmed him at dinner,claiming that I couldn't expect him to "figure everything out all at once".

    I then asked later why I confused him and he said that I was, and this is verbatim, "everything I thought I wanted in a girl, except you're a guy". But then I really couldn't get more out of him. What do I do with that information??
     
  4. geroni211

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  5. geroni211

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  6. Composerbpc

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    This really to me sounds like him saying basically "I really like you and I don't know how to say it, you're not the gender I expected and that confuses me..." I think he's into and he has a hard time believing it, like he doesn't want to admit it. I would say maybe continue getting closer to him, I can almost guarantee there will be more instances like the bedroom one. Unless you don't want there to be, in that case tell him I either want you to be with me or not. Then give a while and some space to think it through. He'll wrap his head around it eventually. Patience s a virtue. But hang in there.

    Best,
    bpc
     
  7. bookreader

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    I think he's into you but is confused about who he really is. I would just give him sometime alone and collect his thoughts.
     
  8. dapulu

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    He likes you and you're what he's searching for...except for the gender. Which translates into: "My future self had a girl in it" The life he imagined is being challenged and that's not something that can be solved in a few days.

    A metaphor of this: you want to be a professional soccer player playing in forward, but suddenly a chance comes up and you can be pro except that you'll be middle field for an undefined time. That's not the position you usually play in, and it isn't exactly the more famous or the one that gets the golden ball. The truth is people love forwards like Messi, Ronaldo, among others. Likewise, his life would be a lot different. Family, friends, social standing, it all changes...and having the life you imagined being changed like that is way too scary. Nobody'd like that. And the gay life has a bit more challenges than the straight one...

    Don't try and put him in a label because that'll only corner him more into choosing one or the other, and he'll probably go with the safe, comfort choice...which probably ain't you. He likes to have sex with you, and he likes you a lot... but because he really hasn't seen himself spending his whole life with another man, he can't call himself gay. Putting a label like bisexual, pansexual or others can be usefull because you feel you belong to a group group and you have a way of recognizing others like you by searching for that group. This is not the case. He probably wanted to spend his life with a woman, so in a way he's "straight". It's a lot easier when you divide the romantic and sexual orientation. I've met guys who have sex with other guys and that's it, then they get married with some girl and raise a family. There are those who can truly love a guy (bromance) but in the end they can't get hard with a male body. Anyway, the point is that he doesn't want to be in a label right now because that'd mean he needs to decide what he wants for the near future, and that involves a life-changing decision.

    Now, do you want to squeeze the routes with this boy and see if you can reach a happy ending or he can decide after some time? Then I'd suggest is going along with the experience if you're up for it. I mean it. Keep going out with him, enjoy the sex, have a nice time. But don't forget BOUNDARIES. The rules of the game not being defined is what drives crazy most of the guys I see going this route and why sh*t happens.

    Words matter. You want to be his boyfriend? That won't happen right now because he doesn't see himself with a man, and having a boyfriend is like being in a commitment. Then what's the next best thing?... Do you want to be exclusive? Say so, but don't go all "let's marry and plan our life together", because that's a red flag for him to get the hell outta there. By saying exclusive it only means you or him won't be doing the whole city, if that's what you want. Remember that he hasn't had his first gay relationship...so going step by step may work better than just forcing him to decide his life. Maybe he just wants to be Friends with Benefits...will you be up for it? Sometimes the relationship gets stronger as time passes and then one or the other starts getting crazy jealous and so comes the exclusive and so comes the boyfriend. But it's not a surefire way to go.

    So choose: keep going for the next best-thing with him or say goodbye.

    Do you want to try things with him? Then do so, but define what you want AND what you're willing to bear, and what's a dealbreaker for you. You don't really need to pull out all the cards at once. What I'm suggesting here is to try and make stronger the bond you have with him so that little by little he'll see himself with you long-term. But that requires time and patience. Will you be able to hold out, or would you rather focus on finding someone who knows that wants to be with a man in the future?

    Good luck and best of wishes :slight_smile:
     
    #8 dapulu, Jan 8, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2015